ASR: B10: Chapter 1: The Side-Effect Of Being “Spiritual” In Spiritual Places

Even though I know and accept the fact that religious and spiritual places strangely affect me in ways I am unable to describe since I am young. I am unable to understand why it is so. A few times in my foolishness and ignorant. Due to the taught believes that churches, temples, and other religious places are sacred homes of the Gods. Thus, “evil” are not allowed entrance. I even contemplated the thought that maybe my experiences are triggers by my “unworthiness” or the “darkness” that is inside me. Therefore, that is why instead of feeling the awestriking serenity and peace that everyone talks about when describing their experiences in such places. I, instead have strange experiences and sometimes feel discomforted and upset in some of those places.

I could not find the words to describe how I feel to even explain it to myself to comprehend the reason why I feel that way. Until recent years when I uncover the origin of my many “problems”. Or to some people, blessings. I have always been unable to “ground” during religious ceremony or at random spiritual places. When I enter such place, I feel automatically “unanchored”. It is as if my physical senses become scattered or a blanket of extreme “blankness” (Which I now call “peaceful acceptance”) have fallen over me to dulled down my existence. I cannot focus, I am light-headed, and my surrounding become surreal, fuzzy, and somewhat distance.

The physical world become blurred and yet vivified at the same time. My mind become a whiteboard where nothing can be written on it and yet everything is there. My senses are heightened and dulled at the same time. Staying “presence” and “anchored” is a tasking labor; because “reality” feels water-like, and I feel like I am “drifting” or trying to “swim” in it. I feel light, disconnected, free, drifty, and “floaty”. Yet heavy and held back by frictions causes by the gravity of this “reality”. I feel literally suspended between two worlds. One part of me feels displaced from this reality; while the other feels the natural comfort of “home” being suspended outside of it.

I am split into two, a part still inside my body going through the motions, seeing everything through my eyes like I normally would. Another part somewhere else, outside of it. Watching the on-going from another perspective and perception; where I can see into this “reality”. Seeing it as a whole (360 degree in every direction) that spread out before my “eyes”. The moments feel like a dream, but I am wide awake and in the center of it all. I can feel everything. I can see everything and react to everything (sluggishly) — but from two different perceptions and perspectives.

Other than the surreal heaviness of the feeling of “drifting” while being “chained” or “anchored”. It is not an unpleasant sensation while it is happening. But when I am pulled back from the experience, the physical effect it has on me is beyond unpleasant. Usually right after an “episode” I am left with what feels like a head made of lead. For a slight moment, my vision would blackout and I would feel dizzy and nauseated as my world spin and shifted back into position. At the same times, a sudden large weight seems to have fallen upon my chest.

It is the most terrifying “side-effect” because it makes me feel like I am being suffocated suddenly by the very air I needed to breathe. The air itself feels solid and too heavy for the passage into my lungs, like muddy water. This does not happen all the time, and in all places. But happened often enough for me be cautious and somewhat tense, whenever I now venture into settling, I am unfamiliar with that are associated with spiritual activities. Or where people suffer and are stuck in the in-between worlds.

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However, it was not the strange effect spiritual places have on me that took me off the path of religion and kills what little faith I had in the “expert/master” on “God” in my mid-teen.

Growing up I am told repeatedly that the “expert/master” are special people send from the “Gods” to guide us on the right path. Due to my unusual “senses”, though I do not see “God”; I know “God” exist. “God” exist in the form of presences that are my companions since that faithful day when I “woke up”. I accepted it as a normal part of my life, as a fact, but as I got older. The weird and unexplainable things that keep happening to me increases in more frequencies — as if “shouting” at me to give it attention. To investigate and discover why it is trying to get me to become aware of it.

Thus, as I begin to wonder; I had hope to meet one of those “master”. I wanted and desperately hoped that they can explain to me what was happening to me. Thus, one day when my soul sister asked me to go see a “master” at a temple who was rumored to have special abilities. To get her fortune told, I jumped at the chance.

I was so hopeful, so excited to see what one of this “master” looks like, and how they can do what they can do. With nothing but hope and the assumptions of what I am briefly told by others. I went with my best friend having high expectation to see “fireworks”. Or at least something a little beyond slightly normal in the “Wow” categories.

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Hence, I did not expect to be totally stunned with — nothingness! This happened at the beginning of my physical “awareness” stage of spiritual discovery. I have so many questions, but no idea how to word them or express them. Thus, I had desperately hoped that the answers would drop into my lap that day, and I would know exactly what was going on with me. Because I believed that once I know. I would “grow-up” and “grow out” of this awkward “phrase” in my life where I do not feel connected to this world that I am currently existing in.

Thus, I did not expect to be sitting inside that small room with my best friend and the “master” and her assistance; stunned by — NOTHING! Oh, there was something — just not what I was taught to expect. Later, when I am shaken from my state of shock, an amused “voice” in my head spoke up. Telling me to pay attention to my lesson by watching, not listening to what I am told. It even pointed out by interrupting numerous times during the after ceremony all the flaws and falseness of what was being preached and taught.

I did not expect to become a religious skeptic that day. Nor did I expect to lose so much common ground with my fellow peers of this realm in a single day. I came willing and ready to believe in almost anything. I came to “connect”. But I left with one of the biggest epiphanies of my life: no one should claim to speak for “God,” and “God” does not reside under a roof just because we build it for that purpose.

I was taught that day to beware of those who proclaim themselves “experts” and those who claim they can speak on someone else’s behalf. Especially, if that someone, is someone we are taught to put so much faith in. Yet, has no specific physical form; where others can see or hear, but have so much power and influences over our lives.

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Before that day I never questioned what I have heard in passing about religions and spirituality. I do not disbelieve or believe, though I have wanted to believe. To me it is a big part of the lives of those I know, and it is important to them. It gives them hope, motivation, and inspiration to live a better life and be a better person. It is also a good guideline for me to use as I walk blindly upon this road I am here to journey upon. It is a good thing.

As someone who often experience other worldly presences and unexplainable events in her life, it helps me feel “normal” to believe the “Gods” exist. That it is normal to feel presences in empty rooms and hear voices where there is no one around. That there are beings not of this world who cares, understands, unconditionally love, accept, and watches over us and live among us. The fact that they seem very human because they have wants and needs like us is comforting.

It never bothers me what people believes in, because of my gifts, I have insight into the reasons why some of us need to believe in the things we want to believe in. But the worry and honest fear that radiate off my best friend after having been told her fortune; made the experience and lesson I learned that day one of the most significant turning point of my life.

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Please note: Before this experience I have never met anyone who claim they are a messenger of the Gods. Those I did met, they are unassuming encounters. Because they do not present themselves to be anything more than ordinary. They appeared and disappeared in and out of my life suddenly and briefly — only when desperately needed. Their significant and our encounter are felt and remembered as a defining moment; but not realized until recent years.

My encounters with those strangers both in the physical and metaphysical worlds always left me feeling surreal and baffled. After every encounter I always feel very perplexed and “disoriented” afterward; because even though the encounter is very brief it is always remembered with extreme clarity. The kind of clarity that is only associated with a pure connection. A what is. A higher connection — a oneness that I did not understand then.

Even though I have never met them before, most of the time the people I encountered all seem able to read my thoughts and needs. They show up out of the blue when I needed them most. When I am the most lost and alone. Some of them rarely say anything and those that does; often say things that I do not expect any stranger to say to me.

However, what they all have in common was a similar look in their eyes when we made eye contact. Always, they seem to look right through me. They know what I think, how I felt, and through their eyes I read things I am not yet able to accept due to my lack of memories and blockages.

When I am the most alone, most conflicted, and troubled. Because I had to make hard decisions to do what was necessary that are outside of people’s expectations and comprehension of me. All those around me, especially those I love; looks at me with suspicion, fear, judgement, accusation, hostile, and sometimes even hate. Because they do not understand me no matter how I try to explain myself.

Yet, those random “strangers” that wanders into my life at that time; looks at me with bottomless acceptance, kindness, encouragement, and understanding. It baffles me after every encounter how total stranger could seem to know me so well; when I say nothing — While those in my life who should know me. Does not know me at all; no matter how much I try to explain myself.

Over the years I have tried not to let people’s judgement and perceptions of me affects me. But sometimes even the strongest of us have our weak moments. Most time I am kept too occupied to mind what people think about me. But there are times where I feel it overwhelmingly. It is usually, when I have some “down/reset” time. (Which I know now, some people call the “void”.)

A time where I am just another person in a sea of people trying to deal with the pressure of daily life. Those are the time where people’s words and intimate thoughts about me catch up to me and affect me. Because I feel the most isolated, alone, and lost. It is during those times that I feel the most conflicted and frustrated with my inability to “be like everyone else”. To be human.

A time where my differences are glaringly spotlighted, and I am unable to escape the strong walls of destiny as it closes in on me. Shrinking my already very tight prison. Thus, a time where I hated myself the most — because there was no one else to hate as I was taught, I have “free will”. Thus, it was my choice to stuffer and my fault for choosing to limited myself to be who I am.

A person who everyone hates — even the “Gods”, as it seemed at the time. Because of all the hardships that were rained down upon me. The hardships were taught to me as “punishments” or “karma” because I must have “deserve” it somehow. I accepted it as something I “deserve” even though I did not understand what I have done to “deserve” such sever punishments from even the Gods.

The “Gods”, whom I am taught is supposed to love everyone — Therefore, I must have done something horrible and unforgivable before I came into this life for them to hate me so. Because in this life, the only thing I ever truly wanted for myself is to see everyone around me happy. It was all I wanted as a child, all I wanted as a teenager, and then as an adult. I did not understand what I could have done so “bad” in this life or any other lives — I could have or might have lived to be “hated” this much to have the life I am given. To be disciplined directly by the “Gods”.

That would be when random strangers would approach me out of nowhere and tell me for no reason, “you are special, don’t change. Do not ever change. There is nothing wrong with you.” When people who do not know me say things like that to me even though I hide well my struggle under a neutral mask — It baffle and confuses me why they feel a need to say those words to me. When I tried to ask why, they would not explain. Thus, the encounter left me bewildered with an overwhelmingly strong sense of surrealism, and an “otherworldliness” feel that I cannot explain nor comprehend to this day.

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Because of the over exaggerated and blown out of this world, superficial teaching of romanticized figures of myths and legends. I am led to believe that those unassuming encounters; have no significant. Thus, I did not realize and connect the encounters with any association to entities beyond this world. I was taught to look for a face, a profile, a feature, and an identifiable stereotype, when in actuality — there is none.

Real angels do not have wings and halo. True Gods and Goddesses that walks among us are not perfect beings that radiant beauty and power. They cannot snap their fingers to make things happen nor can they do magic tricks to proof themselves. Hence, I come to realize that my experiences and encounters are not there for bragging rights. They are there because it is needed.

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For years I am taught under the false assumption that the higher power above is beyond humanity. They come into creation with ultimate power, wisdom, flawlessness, and automatically perfect. Thus, a symbol of the unreachable, untouchable, and unmatchable. Above our mortal struggle and tenancy to error. Even if they do error, it would not be an “error” because their position would make the error acceptable and “right”.

Because I am taught that we were created as insignificant beings born to serve, born to slave, and at the mercies of those ultimate beings. Thus, I must live up to the expectations and guide of those who taught me about them. But if I cannot, then I am not “worthy”. Hence, my human half, is raised by a world cultured to believe in this false assumption to view myself as inferior and undeserving of existence. Therefore, that is why I am given a “suffering” life. But despite what I am taught by the people and the environment I live in, a whispering presence within my soul taught me otherwise.

Taught me to think beyond what is in front of me, challenged me to venture further than the limits that is placed upon me. In some cases, forcefully pushes me forward over the fear that kept me grounded within limits that never should have been. Humanity is created to evolve and revolutionize. But we forget this fact little by little with every comfort routine and privilege we accumulate.

The “bumps in the roads” are meant to teach us lessons in wisdom. The experiences are meant to strengthen and propels us fearlessly into foreign and new ground to ascension. Not hold us back. But hold us back it did. When someone decided to use our ignorance against us. Use our weaknesses to manipulate and control us. By teaching us that flaws and failures are unacceptable expectations from the power that puts us here. And that they know best. Hence, we allow ourselves to be dictated to and manipulated. Resulting in us being controlled and led to commit crimes not only against each other, ourselves, but the “Gods” as well.