One of the biggest discovery of my life is: “God” is man-made. A creation conceptualized to be real by man — for man — not a truth we should base our lives on.
This realization did not come easy, not at least for someone like me. Lost between realms and timelines. I desperately seek to connect and needed an anchor. I thought “God” would be big enough to give me what I need.
For as long as I can remember, I have companions, guardians, protectors, and mentors’ unseen, and unconfirmable by others. Those higher entities are associated and translated as “God” because I did not know of another word to represent them in this world. Misguided and misinformed I am taught to believe there is an association and no differentiation, between the “Gods” I know; and the “Gods” taught to me by the people of this realm.
It took me a long time to accept this falsehood because I know it is not “God”. It has even show me so as a child. But in order to express myself, I had to have a “word” to represent it by. So, I used the only word I know and is familiar with to this world I am in. Along the way, it became a habit to associate the word used and its definition to those entities. But as I have said throughout this book, words cannot define nor describe what is not meant to be defined nor described.
In October of 2014, on a long, lonely drive home with no radios or music to distract me. Because of the side-effect of the injuries I acquired in my accidents the previous year that made loud noises unbearable. For a moment, I was mad at the unfairness of my situation. My life was a mess. That was nothing new, I can handle it. But after the accidents my life was more than a mess, it was Hell.
Anything that could go wrong — went wrong. Those closest to me cannot hear my cry for help even though I am shouting at the top of my lungs. I was so very alone. I always felt set apart and alone, but never like this before. It felt like being locked in a room with a two-way mirror. I can see people on the other side, but they cannot see me. The intercom was broken and they cannot hear me no matter how much I cried out. I know they are there, and they can help me if only they realize I am on the other side trying to reach out to them, but they do not.
It truly stunned me all the memories I had of reaching out and trying to tell people where the problem lies and asked for help during that period. Only to be repeatedly told by even my best friends afterward, “Why did not tell me?” or “I did not know that.” It stunned me how much power my “companions” have over my physical life, and even when I am taught, I am “unworthy”. I could not denial the iron grip it has on my lifepath.
It is one of the biggest factors that makes the confusing mess that is my life, back while growing up, even more confusing. To be taught by everyone around me that I am “unworthy” and taught by all the hardships that occurred that I might somehow be hated. Yet, I cannot understand why a “hated” child is so “noticed” and why extraordinaries measures are taken to show her that there is higher power at work in her life.
Back then, I have very good reasons to believe myself to be “cursed”. This is due to the confusing “mess” of tangled lessons and veils that blocks me from realizing who I am. Because life was a series of endless hardships and trials that results in nothing, but more hardship and trials. My accidents and all the events that follows — was perceived as just another series in a series of endless “punishments” that the higher power rain down upon me because it can. I felt hated and discriminated against by this higher power. I mean, why else is it in my life? Why else would it continually interfere, direct, and always making things so hard for me?
At the time, I have been in this existence 32 years and 30 out of those 32 years. There are not many days I could remember where the physical nor spiritual worlds give me a break. Before one series of traumatic events ends, another arises to take its place. Thus, there are not many days where I could remember that I do not feel emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically exhausted on all facets. I accept life for all that it entitles: poverty, starvation, homelessness, abuse, betrayals, discrimination, prejudices, injustices, trials, violent, hardships…etc.
My life was the embodiment of some those words, and when I accepted this gift of life — I accepted it all. But the higher power did not have to go overboard with it by making me lived through it all before I am yet 30! I had hoped by 30, I have earned at least a small break in all the trials. But instead of a break; things just kept spinning out of control. That October day everything became too much. “God” became too much. “God” was hope for a desperate soul, one that have nothing left to live for but hope. But when even that is beaten from you — there is nothing left but the natural truth.
Knowing myself, I know I would not come to a theory until I am almost sure of the answer. I would not give up on trying to disprove it until it is solidified with undoubtable experiences, and I have exhausted all my resources. Thus, when I am cornered by life to challenge my belief in “God”; I met it heads on with full determination, reckless abandonment, and everything I have got! Stripped down to below basic with nothing to lose — “God” was my last desperate hope to become “normal”.
Due to the way my life was — I rarely get mad, because I have learned long ago that there was no point being mad over things you cannot change. You can live life in one of two ways: Beat it or be beaten. I chose to beat it. I refuse to fall prey to my nature. I refuse to surrender to the blinding addictions to bitterness, anger, envy, and self-pity.
A year after high school for a period of three days, for some reason I was mad at the world. For three days I live in bitter disgust with the unfairness of my life compared to those all around me. My visions were fogged by envy, pettiness, and self-pity. On the third day, around lunch time, it was like I was smack in the head and was startled awake. Suddenly I saw my life in two shades: Black or white, despair or hopeful. I reflected upon my memories and realized though my life was not a piece of cake up until that moment.
I do not want to live my life in the dark as I have in those past couple of days. Life is a gift; I have been fighting my entire life to be able to live it to the best of my abilities — I am not going to give it up now. Heck, if I cannot have what I want, then I do not want it! I obviously do not need it, because I have been living without it up until that point and — survived! Up until those days, I have accepted life for what it is. But I did not question the wisdom of the acceptance behind it.
I was not aware of why I have the acceptance until I experienced those three days. I did not fully understand why this acceptance was a part of me. Being consciously aware and understanding the reason behind the acceptance solidified my perception and validate its truth. It helps me become aware and clarifies what all the disoriented images I have been seeing means. It gives me a point to start to help me unscramble the pictures I have been seeing; to make sense of the story behind them. To make sense of the wisdoms that guide my decisions in life.
Yes, I want things, but I do not need it. I got what I need from watching people who got exactly what I want. Repeatedly, I see it and the priceless lessons I got by mere watching them have it. But do not know how to recognize and cherish the gift for what it truly is — made me realize I do not want to live the rest of my life the way I did those insightful three days. I do not want to be blind and lost to such dark feelings, and only to have those feelings to look forward to in my future.
Life has endless possibilities, both good and bad, to give into despair and wallowing in self-pity — Is pretty pathetic. At least to me, someone born knowing her strength and potential. So, from that day forward, I was determined to beat down anything that try to beat me into such a pathetic stage of existence. Ohhh…how that determination inspired by ego was challenged by my guardians. I was hit harder and harder each time I was tested, but I survived and accept the challenge.
However, in the period of 2012–2014, let just say, I am only human. A confused, disoriented, lost, and conflicted one at that. To be cornered and attacked from all directions of time and space at the same time — surviving was the only thing I could do. Beaten black and blue till an inch of my existence, I surrendered the last of my ego. I gave up. It was too much. I had enough. With no ego left to drive my determination to survive. I thought I had no more strength to fight or endure the beating anymore. I admit defeat.
Then suddenly the beating stopped. I was ready. But ready for what?