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Chapter 3: If Light Have Mass
I was not sure why the “Gods” where so ruthless and merciless to me, in compared to everyone I can see around me. I see people all around me makes reckless decisions and countless mistakes all the time and yet they seem “rewarded”. While I am disciplined for the “smallest” of deed since I was a child. Not by my physical parents, but by source itself. I did not know back then that I was being “trained” for a big exam. One that can break me or make me. One that not only determine my mortal path, but eternal one as well.
My human ego was beaten to submission and mindfulness, because to accept who I am with a mortal ego — Is high risk to damnation. Source and my higher teams, know it can be detriment to my higher self and its missions for being here. If I am not taught to realize that. Hence, the moment I let it go. Was the moment the beating stopped, and I was ready. But ready for what I asked myself at the time.
Then as clear as day, I heard a voice whispering next to my ear. Have you ever heard evil/darkness speak? I have, it spoke first through my head by sneaking in impressions and thoughts that made me think it was my own. Then as clear as day, in a dark voice; as if it sat right next to me, it speaks clearly in words directly to me. Its presence suffocating.
I am aware darkness exist in both worlds I belong to. There are many times since my youth I have been threatened and attacked in my “dreams” and then in “real life” while awake. But was protected and defended by a brilliant light that flare up and kept it at bay. A light I thought was only a part of my imagination and that I can only see in my thoughts or “dreams”. A light I did not understand.
Not until almost a year passed from that cold November night of 2012 in New York; when the biggest piece of puzzles of my life was confirmed with the re-confirmation “…You’re a being of two worlds…”. I did not know there are others like me out there. In fact, I wanted to be “normal” so much that I did not want to believe. After a string of unusual events that I now know as obvious signs that I refuse to acknowledge. Because I just simply did not want to believe. I was corned into looking further into the meta-physical world. Even in my rebellious and denial stage of acceptance; what I found stunned me.
I was stunned to discover that some of the unusual experiences that I turned into theories. Have tested repeatedly throughout my life — that I write-off as nothing but my vivid imagination playing tricks on me — have happened to other people too. In my fear of finding out I can never be “normal” if I know the truth. I tried to unconvinced myself of the theories I came up with despite the experiences I have lived through.
I was in tears of frustration the first time a book literally “pop” out at me, and I have an irresistible urge to pick it up. Only to then open it to see that page after pages of confirmations that my theories are natural truths. That there are others out there like me. They have experienced what I have tried to convince myself was my imagination and was not “real” in order to stay grounded upon this “reality”.
As I read my first book about spiritual gifts, acknowledging and becoming acquainted with my physical “spiritual” path for the “first” time. I found mention of a light that only near-death experienced people can see. Since I have never been near-death during my many encounters. At least, as close as I am sure most of those people who described they have. I am unsure if that light is this same light, I have been seeing in my “dreams” since I was a child.
But if it is…How do I explain that at various times throughout my life, the light and I have become old companions? How do I understand and explain that I can see it, at first only in my “dreams”, then in “real” life? I saw it while sitting surrounded by people. I saw while awake and in perfect health while attending my first funeral.
I saw it not only with my higher self, but with my physical self. With physical eyes. While sitting on the bench listening to the speeches. The light coming through the round stained-glass window above the alter, in the slightly dimmed room — suddenly went blinding bright. Something is “wrong”, I looked around to see if anyone but me is noticing it. To see if anyone but me is affected by the strange brightness. I could barely open my eyes because the light is blinding. It is blinding even with my eyes closed and my head turned away. It was a warm raw, golden white, pure light. Not hot and glaring like the sun, but brighter. It burnt pleasantly through my closed eye lids into my brain and my soul like nothing I have seen before.
In compared to any other the lights source that I know of, the light feels like “air” if you can imagine that light have mass. It feels like “air” yet more solid than anything I can feel at that moment. It is so superbly brilliant in its brightness that it feels all consuming. So powerfully raw in its purity, that it makes your soul tingles in the wake of its touches as if its presence is tangibles. As it consumes your senses, you would think something this powerful would feel at least slightly uncomfortable if not overwhelming. But instead, its embrace feels naturally peaceful, secure, and comforting. Like being cradle in the arms of love.
Since young, whenever I am threatened or attacked by ominous darkness throughout my youth. A similar light would suddenly flare up around me in my “dreams” or in my “foresight” to protect me and chase the darkness away. I did not make the connections between the light from my many “dreams” and from that funeral day as the same light until just recently. But it was.
The very same, except I was not sleeping, relaxing, or “dreaming” this time. I was awake, surrounded by people. So, I was very alert and afraid something else would happen, and others would find out and ask questions I have no answer for. My physical body started to feel light, I begin to “drifting” as if ascending. Unlike the experiences in spiritual place of worship, this time there seem to be nothing “anchoring” me. There was also no “splitting”.
I kind of “panic” because unlike previous times. This time everything was vivified and so graphic. Before, whenever this happened, I feel as if I am almost “dreaming”. It always happens suddenly, but very subtly. Sometimes I did not realize what was happening until something “snapped” me back, or till after I leave the premises. This time however, it happened quickly. Vividly, naturally — so naturally that I was thrown even more off guarded. Because this time unlike other times, I could not differentiate the “split”.
In previous times, I still see everything as is. There is nothing obvious from the realm beyond. I see everything from this realm. Just with different perspectives and perception. I also feel different. Like I am two parts trying to “split”. The physical me still experience the weight of mass and pull of gravity. While the higher me is light and “anchored” like a balloon to the mass of my physical body.
Both have their own set of “eyes” looking at the same things. Hence, the different perspectives and perceptions. Also, because of the “splitting” I get disorientated and “foggy”. Because I am trying to adjust to understanding how I can be viewing the world with high-definition vision and not at the same time. My brain is trying to process how I can be seeing the same thing so differently at the same time. Like going to get your eye check or putting on only one contact lens. So, with one eye you can see everything clearly, while the other is blurry — together it disorientates you.
I honestly did not know what made me keep looking up toward the window that day. But I feel drawn to it, as if waiting for something I cannot explain. It was near the end of the speeches when I felt drawn again to look up — suddenly the light “flared” into sight out nowhere. It literally blossomed into existence out of nowhere and flooded the ceiling and much of the room. Consuming everything in its rays. There was no two perspectives and perceptions this time. Just one. A unity of perspectives and perceptions from my higher self and physical self. Therefore, it is completely unveiled and more “real” to my physical self than anything at that moment. Hence, it made me “panic” a little because there were so many people around.
I did not want to be rude by getting up to leave in the middle of the speeches. Hence, I stayed because this was a professional event and most of the people are from my workplace. I told myself I am imagining things. That all the other previous experiences are “manageable” so this one would be too. I tell myself that I am strong enough to handle it. But I did not realize that this was one of the strongest episode I have ever had in my life. It felt like forever for the speeches to conclude, and just as I was ready to throw etiquette out the window — it was done.
I made a break for the door. As soon as I was out of hearing distance of others; my soul sister/best friend — approached me and softly inquired if I was okay. All I could say was “I need a bathroom.” Quickly she helped me there because I felt so light-headed and weak. I was ready to collapse, but I willed myself to move away from the crowds so as not to draw attention. In the bathroom, the feeling of something being stuck in my chest was more powerful than I had ever felt it before. It was so heavy. The “pullback” and resistance shocked my physically system so much that I was visually pale and shaking uncontrollably.
Always before whenever I visit a spiritual sitting, this has happened, but never to this degree. I did not think to guard myself because I did not think funeral homes are considered “spiritual” for some reason. Also, everything felt “normal” for the first little while, so I assumed I was safe. Therefore, I was completely caught off guarded by how sudden and powerful the experience was.
Before, I usually do not feel the side-effect until after I have left the immediate premises. Or until I became aware of what was happening and “pull” myself back. It happened often enough that I even made a checklist of “symptoms” that I experience during and after such events. The lists help me keep “records”. So, that I can analyze the experiences to determine and factors out the possibility of any medical conditions. Or other factors that could have triggered those experiences. Or if it was just a “coincidence” that means nothing.
It also helps me become more aware and mindful so that I can be on guard at certain places. Or catch myself going into that “state” sooner so that I am not catch so off guarded by the side-effects after. The symptoms I feel are “dream-like/surreal” (yet everything is very vivid). Almost like I am “drunk”. I am unstable on my feet and “just going through the motion” sluggishly. A part of me feels unbelievably heavy (hence the sluggishness), while another part feels like I am “air” with an anchor.
Those feeling extends beyond my body and into my mind as well. I feel free and chained at the same time. I feel “off”. “There but not really there”. There are prickly sensation all over my body, like my cells wanting to dissolve into a more “airy” state of itself. Then, when I “pull” back. I would feel a heavy weight, like something heavy and solid is placed over the crown of my head and inside my chest. I feel uncomfortable in my skin — restricted like I am wearing my clothes too tight. Or have on too many layers. I feel suffocated and stuffy by everything physical. Dizzy, daze, and nauseated. Lethargic and weakened. Unfocused and “sick” to my stomach because the air feels too thick and heavy for me to breathe in.
Most time I can control my reactions and hide it very well due to years upon years of training myself to hide such reactions out of necessity. But this time, I could not. I was visibility shaken badly and pale from waves of hot and cold flashes that alternate throughout my body. It had always felt harder to breathe; but this time I literally felt I could not breathe. I know I need to “throw up” to get back to “normal”, but I could not. I have never felt so out of control of my existence. It was by sheer will and stubbornness alone that kept me bend over the toilet trying repeatedly to throw up air.
Another friend saw me and came to see what was wrong. When she saw my horrible condition; she dragged me over to a chair and let me collapse into it. After given some water to sip on and realizing I am attracting attention. Now motived by the idea that I really did not want to answer any questions about what was happening to me. I drag myself back into the stall to try to empty my chest again of whatever it was so I can reorientate myself.
Up until this time, the soul sister presence was the only witness to my strange episodes. She was also there over 10 years earlier at the first serious event. No one knows about this condition and whenever it happened, I have always isolated myself to avoid concerns and questions. I have been too afraid to tell anyone just because I am tired of being called “crazy” by almost everyone in my personal life. I did not want my professional life to be involved as well. Even if I allowed people to know about my episodes, what would I do when they ask me questions? I would not know how to answer them; because their questions would have been the same questions, I have been asking myself most of my life up to this point.
Thus, by sheer will and some help I went back into the stall and threw up the water I drank. As usual, as quickly as it came, it was gone. All symptoms instantly disappear, and I was back to “normal” as if it never happened. But it did. The memories are as vivid as the moment it happened and there are unwanted witnesses this time round. Each time is different, and each time is randomly unexpected and have taken me off guarded.
Each time is then “sealed” away by overwhelming feelings of “fog” that makes it hard for me to wrap my thoughts around. The vividity of the experiences are imprinted into my memories like a scar. Cannot be forgotten. Thus, hard for me to deny it happened. Yet, at the same time hard for me to believe how something like this can be possible. Because I do not know how to process, explain, rationalize, and logicalize having such unbelievable experiences. Especially, being so ignorant of “spirituality” (due to the layers of veils). Especially, not wanting to experience it because I wanted to be “Normal” and to “fit in”. Yet, I spontaneously keep experiencing it outside of my control.
The spontaneous aspects of my experiences are one of the main reasons I am always completely taken off guarded and throws me into a bewildered state afterward. Because I cannot wrap my head around the idea of how I could be experiencing it — Against my will. Because I was also told that I was the “unworthy” one. Hence, I never even contemplated the idea of being privileged to such experiences. Having witnessed the tireless labor, dedications, and the extensive devotion others have gone through to set up ceremonies and rituals in hope to have such experiences. Therefore, it totally baffled me because the ease and spontaneousness of my experiences goes against everything I have been taught and told how the experience should happen.
Like I have said before if I am “Superman”. I can lift a car over my head or shoot laser out of my eyes. Thus, burn objects until I become satisfy that my abilities are physically “real”. But I am not “Superman”. So, yes, I accept it. Because a part of me is wise and intelligent enough to realize not everything in life can be explained by terms. But being gifted with gifts I cannot control makes it too surreal to believe. The layers of “veils” keep me lost in the “fog” of surrealism and ignorance. While I am being conditioned by my environments to fear the reactions of others for my “extra” abilities.
Thus, forcing me to migrate toward “logic”, “rationality”, and “practicality” to balance and ground myself to this realm. While denying the truth of my experiences and burying it deeply due to my desire to “fit in”. Also, growing up seeing people through two different sets of lenses side by side. I can see how easy we can brainwash ourselves to believe in almost anything. Thus, how do I know without the ability to control my gifts at will, that all those experiences are not just “coincidences” or me making something out of nothing?
Side Note: All my life I know there is a reason for why I am kept in ignorance. Why I am not to know about my path from others. I know it, but curiosity and pure desperation sometimes makes me want to seek out “gifted” people to see if they can prove me wrong. However, after my encountering with the “master” when I went with my best friend, I learned to be careful who I trust to read me. Back when I was growing up people with spiritual ability are rare to come by — especially in my orbit due to my life mission.
After, the few people who I found and can trust to do reading for me, suddenly lost their ability before the reading. Then, someone very gift die when I tried to seek them. I stopped looking. I tried to tell myself, it is probably my ego thinking it is more important than it really is, and all those events are just “coincidences”. But wise people will know that there comes a time when we just have to accept truth for what it is. Even if we cannot yet understand how we know.