ASR: B14: Chapter 1: Nothing In Life Is Guarantee But THIS Moment — Right Now.
Not knowing who I am now, how could I accept and want to be the person I know I will become?
All my life I am taught to survive. To survive I must live in the here and now. Therefore, that means, I need to be practical, rational, logical, and realistic. I need to be so, to quickly be able to adapt, adjust, accept, and embrace all the lessons and hardships I was put through to keep my sanity. Yes, extraordinary, and out of this world things happen to me a lot. Because it happens “a lot”, it is ALL I have ever known. Everything in my life is extraordinary normal to me. It feels surreal to be telling my story. To record and remember all that has happened.
Almost ten years since I have started writing this book, and yet every time I go back to re-read, so that I can proof it. I am consumed by surrealism. So consumed and overwhelmed that I must stop to ask myself: “Is this for real?” “How can this be real?” “How is it possible to have experience this or that?” “Could I have imagined and made it up somehow?” “Maybe I was influenced by a non-fiction and made-up tale or movie, I was watching at the time. Maybe my mind warped my memories somehow…”
This book feels more like a fantasy novel, than a record of my life’s events. The surrealisms of my experiences sometimes become too much for me while proofing it. Too much so, that I must take breaks from it before I could continue. Breaks to do “reality checks”. Breaks to ask myself, “Are those experiences and words I use genuinely what is? Am I recording facts or am I exercising my ability to be creative and imaginative with words?” Because I know how powerful words can be. I learn to be mindful of its weaknesses and respectful of its strengths. Hence, is cautious to use it mindfully where I am aware.
Because I am not a writer. I have no aspirations to be one. Because this book is something I feel I must do, not something I wanted to do. I poured my heart and soul into it, hoping to fulfil this mission and move on. Because I hope that this book will help those who struggled as I have, I want to be as accurate and genuine as I can. Because it is not intended for entertainment’s sake. The surrealism that the words created made me cringe in repulse at how it “romanticizes” and “exaggerate” my experiences. It made my lifelong painful journey of hardships and struggles to learn my lessons; out to be like “a gentle stroll in the park.” Like a meaningless fantasy, over after an hour.
Taught to be a skeptic of life’s surface lessons and obvious “wisdoms”. After having experienced the damages, it does to me and those around me. Hence, why I took my time and made so much effort to be mindful of the details of my journey. When the words cause me to cringe due to the too-surreal image it creates. I become most conflicted. Therefore, I would take breaks from it. Breaks to check my diaries for recorded facts of the events.
To truly grasp, understands, and accept higher wisdoms. All my life, I am not only taught but conditioned to be practical, to be realistic, to be logical, and to be rational to overcome my lessons. To see things as is. Not as I hope it would be or want it to be. To see truths beneath the secrets that tries to bury it. To see beyond my “entitlements” to perspectives, and my attachments to identify and defining different aspects of life by those perspectives — instead of what is. While I am taught and conditioned to be so — Extraordinary measures are taken by the higher power. By my spiritual guardians to make sure that I stay connected to my other half. That I stay aware that I am “here but not really here”. That I am mindful and grounded to the fact that I am not of this world. Therefore, the out-of-this-world, fantasy-like events in my life.
In times when practicality, rationality, logic, and realism overwhelm and consume me. Times when I cannot wrap my head around the idea of a higher power, a greater design, and other worlds of wonders. Miraculous things would happen to catch me off guard and thrown me off balance — To rebalance me again, to both worlds I am a part of. It is hard, SO hard to have faith. To believe, to embrace, and to accept there could be more to life than practicality — Than rationalization, than logic, and realism. At least for me, it is so hard. Hard because I was conditioned to relied on those factors to survive my lessons. To keep my sanity and ground myself to my surroundings — and keep the relationships that are important to me.
Hard also, because faith, hopes, dreams, and believes are concepts that were shattered before they can even be formed. The little that can materialize to take form, often resulted in nothing but dashed hopes and bottomless disappointments. Because before it can even be absorbed as a possibility, it has already been crushed to nothing. Therefore, to remain sane and sharp to survive.
To not be caught up in enthusiasms and optimisms to have high expectations — only to be plunge into the depth of disappointments. Then, allow myself to falls into endless “depression” and “negativity”. I choose to embrace and live in the here and now. The past is gone, tomorrow might never come. Nothing in life is guarantee but this moment — right now. Dragging the baggage of the past that is gone — and packing for the future that might never come. Cannot help us appreciate the miracles of each moment of our lives.
Therefore, I could not afford to live on faith and hope alone. Cannot afford to believe in what is beyond this moment. Beyond my reaches, beyond my touches, and beyond what I cannot physically hold onto at this moment in time. Cannot afford to identify myself with entitlements to believes and perspective of what is not there. For example, the phrase: “You can choose to see the glass as half empty or half full. The choice is yours.” Because of my abilities I am taught by source that I do not have a choice in this matter, and even if I do. I do not want to identify, define, and be blind-sided by the choices I have — to see what is not there.
To me, whether the “glass is half empty or half full” — Does not matter. It is a glass. If there is water in it — great! If there is no water in it — O.K.! Why must I choose to see what is not there and be define by it? Why must I identify with “half empty” or “half full”? Why must I choose a perspective? A viewpoint? Why can I not just see the whole picture — as it is? And accept it, as so? Life is not black and white. Nor is it all “negatives” or “positives”, so why do people keep insisting on seeing it only this way or that way?
To be frankly honest, I am so sick of people using the word “negative” and “drama” to describe an objective point of view. Or higher truths that are pointed out to them. To describe what-is. Just because it is not aligned with what they are used to. Or what they choose to bypass and be ignorance about. Nor can they grasp or understand it because they cannot get over their own sense of attachments to things they identify with.
The truth is not “negative” — it can be harsh, and it can be blunt. But it is what is. Accept it. Embrace it and move on. Bypassing its lessons and acceptances, to continue holding onto our perspectives. Our sense of entitlements to what we choose to identify with. Which is sometimes a distorted and warped image of what is in front of us. Will not help us move forward. Will not strengthen and tone us to be better student of life.
Because unlike other people, all my life, I must survive — Not only this realm, but the many other realms beyond this as well. Chaos and calamity are constant in both my worlds. Before a series of events end, another arises to refocus and monopolize my attentions and time. Thus, I have little time to absorb and digest all that happens to me. Every event whether they are good or bad — is fleeting. Because it is fleeting, it became surreal. Within this surrealism that is my life. At the center of it all is a lost, disoriented, and confused person who is buried within a massive mess that she cannot make any sense of.
Buried beneath: lives past lived, a life to be live, a life currently living, and lessons forgotten to be remembered, and lessons newly taught. Buried beneath abilities and experiences I cannot explain but unconsciously know its higher truth. While being taught that I am not “qualify” to be worthy enough to know such truths.
It was difficult to untangle myself from just those factors, being a normal human. Living a normal life in this realm of existences. But to be more, and living in multiple realms where “times”, “logic”, “rationality”, “practicality”, and “realism” are redefined by different terms and definitions. It is unbelievable to me, that I have made it to this present moment in my life where I am writing these words.
Surreal that I am starting to understand what used to be nothing but a massive mess of chaos. Surreal to be doing all that I am doing now to step into my role. To ground to the power of acceptance and understanding. Therefore, I can tell you it is not easy to learn the skill of being objectives of yourself. Of disconnecting with all that you identify with and allow yourself to be defined by. To be mindful of what you want and aware of what you need, and objective enough of those personal factors — to learn the deeper lessons life is trying to teach us.
It is too easy for us here in this realm, to lose ourselves in all the possibilities that we are given. To all that we can choose. To all the privileges and gifts, we are showered with to be grounded. To be mindful and to be aware of all the harder lessons life is trying to teach us. Because we have options. We sometimes forget those privileges come with responsibilities and lessons. Also, forget that the greatest obstacles to our success to ascension into higher wisdoms and higher dimensions — is us.