ASR: B14: Chapter 10: Standing Now Where The Beginning Meets The End.
What we want to know and what we need to know are different. That is why most “Awakening” is so horrible and chaotic. Yes, we can learn to want what is different from our higher self because we are taught by the experiences of our lives to want it. But it does not mean we will get everything we want. Because what we want at this current moment might not be what we need — nor good for us.
But we do not know that because not all of us can see the bigger picture from a different perspective nor into the future. We are taught we are creature with “free-will” because we are given choices. Because we can manifest some paths and choices, by working hard or going after what we want. We become receptive to the believe that all the choices we make can be ours to choose.
Therefore, a big event or events need to happen to rip away our comfort and forces our “awakening” so that we remember why we are here. So, that we can fulfil our mission and purpose for our existence. Some people choose to practice a path that can lead to their awakening early. Others will stay “asleep” because it is not their time. But when it is our time, and we are needed to fulfil our role. We will be forced awake by any means necessary.
The source created us as part of a greater design, and some of us choose to come into this world as volunteer to be what we need to be and do what we are here to do. So, it is within its right to wake us…when we are needed — by any means and method necessary. Sometimes we become too comfortable while we waited. Too “protected” by the routine we created for ourselves, and too arrogant to believe that anyone but ourselves is in control of our life.
We are taught and brainwashed by our wants, our ego, and the privileged of all our achievements to think life can be any other way. Until we are smack in the face by events beyond our control to bring us back to ground. We struggle as our higher purpose emerges. The more we have, the more we achieve. The harder the struggle to let go, the harder the fight against our destined path.
In my case, it is not all that I have achieved that makes acceptance hard. It is all that I know, all that I remembered, all that I have experienced by being “spiritual.” Whereas others live their life trying to learn to be spiritual again. I came to life living as a spiritual being with no idea that I am one. No idea what it means. For some reason I never thought that someone can come into life as one. At least, I never consider myself significant enough to be such a person.
I was taught to learn to become one. That the process to be one is long, trying, and reserved for special being. Not an insignificant girl who was extremely awkward in her own body. Who is so uncoordinated, lost, and confused that she could not even reacted as others can. Hence, the possibilities that the “Me” from my many “dreams” could actually — be me, was too hard to grasp. From her lives, I lived the resulting consequences of being such an entity. Therefore, it scares me into not wanting to be “spiritual”. Because I remembered all the pain and tragedies of what trying to fulfil my higher purpose and missions caused her.
However, when your destiny is written by The source itself — is not something that can be ignored. Over the past 10 years, during times I needed re-confirmations that I am a being of two worlds. That I am who I suspected myself to be. I would get directed, often pushed and — dragged — kicking and screaming. If I become too practical, logical, rational, and ‘normal’ for my higher purpose and mission. Whenever I am leaning too much toward being dependant upon specific physical resources. Resources that give me the “evidence” I wanted, so that I can ignore my higher knowing. My world would fall part in a way that cannot be understand by mundane terms.
During the past 10 years (after my, hopefully, last “awakening”) there are moments I lived in horror as I learned bits and pieces about “spirituality” in this realm. Too many times I feel despairs as I discover how vastly different, I truly am from both the “normal” people in my life; and the now “spiritual” people as well.
Through those physical spiritual coaches of this world; I learned that unlike many of them — my destiny is not written by my higher self…but a greater source. I was shown by the higher power my incredible abilities. Abilities that make me want to melt into the floor with absolute humbleness, gratitude, and awe to be trusted with. However, it also freaked me out so much that I want nothing but run from my destiny. Run from the path that will one day build me into the person that can embrace those gifts. I am only human. No one of this world should have the ambitions to be able to hold that kind of abilities.
If my “dreams” of the “past” and the “future”, and if current events are of any indication. Then it is too big a responsibility. I already feel buried beneath my situation as a being of two worlds as is. I do not think I can handle anymore. Therefore, I am so grateful and humbled by what is shown to me in my “dreams” and visions recently. Those “dreams” and visions gave me the courage to start me onto the road to acceptance. I feel deep gratitude for the love, the encouragement, and the trusts shown me.
I am so grateful to be love so completely. So grateful to be viewed so highly. But unlike the “Me” in my “dreams” — As a human in this realm. I do not think I can handle the test that would free me to be able to handle that kind of gifts. Free me to be her. I am not saying all I have said because I have low self-esteem. Nor an ego too big to contain.
I am saying it from the experience of being human. Of realistically knowing my strengths and weaknesses. Of knowing from experiences, the struggles and battles humanity faces within themselves. Within their environment to try to be the best they can be. Of also knowing what it means to be “spiritual” as well. Of the struggles to maintain true to myself as life and all its factors tests and tries to overwhelm my higher wisdoms and instincts.
From the insights of being both, and the perspective of being able to see the bigger picture of both world I currently belong to. Of knowing what is ahead but also behind me. Of finally understanding my higher missions and purpose to this life. Of knowing my place and my positions within the realms. I now know my journey here is not in search for the “beginning” as a “spiritual” being. Nor am I searching to find the roadmap to “the end” as a mortal of this realm. Standing now where the beginning meets the end. I know what matters most currently — is not the beginning nor the end.
What matters is knowing the joy and pain of what it takes to be a current student of life. To have personal insights into what our world is currently struggling with. To understand how to be compassionate with our current struggles. Then, using what I have learned on the roads passed, to help others understand what lies on our current path. To guide, to support, to show, and to teach others how to keep from being derailed upon their journey into the spiritual path. To help clarify illusions and expectations. To also tame optimism and enthusiasm so that they can stay grounded with higher truths.
Being a “spiritual” being living through an avatar in this physical realm — As a normal individual. Not someone surrounded by high expectations, obligations, responsibilities, influences, and duties to fulfil. Nor trapped within a role and positions I need to maintain. Nor given things I need or want to make my life easier. So that I can stay in align with the image and positions people want to see me as. Or what people want to believe me to be or should be. I was given a “normal” life. One, where I struggle as you have.
I have financial problems as you do. I have health problems as you do. I have mundane daily setbacks, upsets, and stress as you do too. Knowing what it is like to have a mortal body with vulnerabilities. With limitations. With hormones, with needs, desires, and wants. A spiritual being living emerged in life surrounded by people who can influences and dictates or block my path. A being that has darkness and light co-existing inside — always trying to unbalance me. I say it from a grounded position. When I say no one of this world should have ambitions to hold the kind of powers I was shown.
Therefore, without any ego, conceit, pride, and arrogant…and with utter humbleness. I admit my fear of being unworthy. Of not being able to become her — The “me” from my “dreams.” Of wanting something else. Being someone else. With all that I have experienced and know, I feel my fears are legit. With battle scars decorating my soul and days when even the hair on my head causes me pain. How can I not fear what I am shown?
How can I know I can be strong enough to be all that I am shown? All that is expected of me. All that I must be responsible for? When I am getting weaker as I feel worn down and exhausted with age and the burden of a tough life. I have not even stepped into my power. Do not even want it. Yet, I have had to make great sacrifices — on all levels of my physical well-being. Just to get the privilege to know that the power is mine to have. If the price to know is this much.
How, am I to survive the trials to hold it? From what I was shown that I can do. From resulting proofs of all that I have done when I was “testing” and trying to find the answers to questions I want to know. I feel extremely grateful to be so loved — but unworthy to be trusted with such gifts that I was shown. I am only human. I dare not think I have the kind of strength necessary to hold that kind of gifts responsibly.
I now understand and humbly respects why source, and my higher teams are so strict in their training lessons to me. If I had been exposed to what was taught by the “spiritual” coaches of this realm instead of blocked from them. The “problems” we have would not be “problems”, because I would already fix it. However, I would become a problem. Hence, the iron grip the higher power, my guardians, and protector have on me growing up. I used to hate it before I “remembered” enough to be shown the reasons why my life must be so. Thus, now, understand and accepted the wisdom behind it.
Because I am the result of my lessons. And my lessons are the result of this record that is part of my higher purpose for being here. I think I can safely say that unlike most of the “spiritual” coaches that are here to tell you — You are free to do basically whatever you want, and you have the power in you to do it.
I am here to tell you: You. Are. Not. I am here to confirm that, “yes, we all have power within us to do almost anything”. But that does not mean we should. We are here in the mortal realm to learn, to experience the lessons we need. It would not be taught if we do not need it. Therefore, we should not use our dimensional gifts to take short cuts. Because the creator and the design will just shift it, if we do. And the lesson we cheat on now — will only come back harder later. But we, ourselves, is limited on time due to our mortality.
The problem with the modern world is we have become too spoiled by the options and choices we have. Hence, we have become too sensitive and too weakened to tolerate, endure, and manage what we consider “hardship” to our comforts. Because we have more easy choices now. We choose to embrace only “positive” and “easy” — Thus, teaching ourselves to be lazy, spoiled, averse, and ignorant to what needed to be learned.
Some of the most valuable lessons in life are taught through pain. Through hardship, through chaos, and through what we do not want to see or hear…and would prefer to avoid. Thus, when only the sugar-coated “good/positive” teaching are embraced and popularized by the majority. We, as a specie, can end up so lost and twisted within the too “good/positive”. Or the very absurd. Because there is a lot of people who cannot balance the in between.
Because of this, “hard wisdom”, the highest form of truth — are often bypassed or ignored. Therefore, this can set our lives and this realm too out of harmony to support us. Leading to corruptions and destructions in our path. Hence, there must be some people who needed to learn the opposite of what is popularized. So, they can show others the truth to balance it out. Because every coin has two sides. For harmony to be achieve we need to see and be exposed to experiences of both sides. Only with insights to both, can we understand where the points that need to be work on is — so we can neutralize it.
I know it is hard to accept that “spiritualism” can be more than “enlightenments”, “inner peace”, “mythical experiences”, “positivity”, complete love, and acceptance of ourselves. But it is. Accept it. Because its definition is not going to change because we choose to redefine it to suits whatever makes us feel comfortable.