ASR: B14: Chapter 13: Sometimes We See Others Through The Lens Of Ourselves
When I found out that my gifts are genuine, I was petrified by the fear that I was taught to have. The reason it took me so long to allow myself to accept what I have always known as true — is that I was afraid of myself. While I was growing into my gifts, all the pain and suffering I have witnessed ignite a fear inside me. Being someone who spend her whole life being able to see into people. I thought that the reason I was able to see and recognize the darkness in someone else’s soul…was because my soul is just as dark. For sometimes it takes darkness in yourself to recognize darkness in someone else.
Growing up, being taught any form of “darkness” is a “bad” thing to avoid. I was terrified to associate myself with it, because of my abilities. Being able to see who I will become made this fear more terrifying. Because the possibility of the person I will be is too impossible to exist in this corrupted realm. I am one tenth of the person who I saw I will become…and yet, I can barely survive in this realm as is. I have only been here a short time and I have acquired scars so deep within my soul. I do not know how I can survive the trial to be who I am here to be. Or…erase those scars and become that person I will need to be.
Also, being able to see into people I know what people are capable of. Thus, I am afraid for the person I will be. For most of my life, the person I am is already hard enough to be. Hard for other people to believe in and accept. Growing up there are two types of reactions from people in my life to me. There are those that comment with wonder after getting to know me, how I can possibly be real. I have been told by them that I feel like a character from a book or movie, not someone “real.”
Then, there are those that reacted to my differences with fear and suspicions. Looking at me through the lens of themselves. Because they cannot understand and lack the abilities to accept what is not taught to them by the old templates. When I was younger, I used to be publicly accused by peers of having ulterior motives. Just because I show kindness without expectations of anything in returns. Just because I show gratitude or express appreciation where it is deserved. Or…is “too nice” because I am not a bully. Because I believe in sharing, standing up, and giving to others who is in needs if I could.
With most reactions being the latter reactions, to me being me. I was forced to hide who I truly am. Learned to be careful how I express my genuine and “spiritual” side. Therefore, how can I be more and not fear the consequences and reactions of others? When I have a history of direct experiences, that tells me the people of this world is not yet ready to allow me to be all I am here to be.
With all the pain I have suffered, I do not know how I can be molded into the person I saw I will become. Nor be that person and function adequately within the environment I am in. Recently, those fears are somewhat eased by some new revelations. One of such is: I now know…the privilege in being able to look into another’s soul. To be able to see their deepest darkest secret…is in realizing that next to the brightest light. Is the darkest of darkness.
It is easier to see and accept the light that exist within the darkness of others because of the intensity in the contrast. Because of the bias definition that we are taught to associate with the concept of the terms we use. That light represent hope, and all that is good and trustworthy. To see it where none is expected to be seen — is an awestruck experience.
But it is hard sometimes to see darkness, against the brilliant light, that sometimes blinds us to the darkness it hides. That darkness hides deep within the light, playing peek-a-boo. Is the most deceiving and dangerous to those who are unaware of it. Because they cannot be sure if it existed. Because the light surrounding it is so massive and is so prejudicially trusted. Hence, when that darkness hidden within it strike us. It causes the most damage. Because it came from a source, we were taught — is trustworthy. Thus, the strike is not expected.
It is because I am taught very young to be aware of our true nature: Taught to be warily of ego, parading around in arrogant and confident. While greed and selfishness, proclaim generosity and kindness. Through my gifts I have learned that sometimes the cruelest people to us — are the kindest. Because they hurt us to teach us a lesson we need to learn. Or to help us become a better person…by pointing out things to us we do not like to face and forces us to face it.
While those who are overly kinds, can sometimes be the cruelest. Because they hurt us to benefit themselves and does not even realize it. Because they are too caught up in themselves to see anyone else. They leave horrific scars upon us…and justify their cruelty — with excuses that they have kind intention for us or others. While it is really for themselves.
Because I am aware of what humanity is capable of. I was afraid that if I do not stay grounded and remember my lessons well. I will get lost and become one of those people who will leaves scars upon others immortal soul. Thus, leaving them and myself stranded. Instead, of helping us as I am meant to do.
It is my knowledge of human nature from direct experiences of being one. Also, with the added gifts of the ability to see into others. Thus, allowing me to see what they hide and what they are capable of — that for most of my life, my only true fear is of myself. I have been abused at the whims of others. The victims of life misfortune too often for me to count. What if one day, I cannot stand the abuse anymore? What if I turn from victim to abuser?
Since I was a child, just as I know I am surrounded and protected by light. I also know the darkness lay in waiting for me. Waiting, just within arm reach — to corrupt and consume me at any moment my spiritual strength flickers or dim. Before I remember who I am; I only know I am human. But being a witness from the beginning of my journey into humanity — all that humanity is capable of beneath the masks they wear.
Thus, I learned to be afraid of the half-truths I encounter upon my journey. Learned to recognize, to know, and to be afraid of that “darkness” that lurks about in the human heart. Hence, because I do not want to see more suffering and pain being mindlessly passed on. Especially, by myself because I know what that pain feels like. Because I also know how capable and destructive, I can be, if I choose to let the pain consume me. If I choose to let it dictates my actions and reactions.
Therefore, I learned to be afraid of what I will do if I let myself be spoiled by the whims of my human nature. Let myself succumb fully to my humanity while holding powerful abilities I do not understand. Nor have any control over. Because I saw what I am capable of, it made me that much more afraid of who I am. From all that I have witnessed and experienced. I do not know if I can discipline myself enough to always be mindful and aware. Mindful and aware of all the influences that can dictates my abilities to act and reacts to all situations, in the least harmful of ripples I will send out.
Due to my encounter with the truest of human nature, in their darkest of hours, since a young age. I wondered…what if I am not strong enough to resist the dark temptation of life? How do I know if I can tame and temper my humanity in my darkest hour? What if I hurt others in my blind rage? Or in a moment of pathetic envy or pettiness? Or worst, what if in my arrogant need to prove something to someone. I disregard higher principles and moral values; and decided that my pride — is more important than equality, respect, and fairness to someone else?
People tell me I overthink and overanalyze things too much sometimes. But they say it without realizing the struggle I go through every day being a witness to all humanity have to hide. I oversee things that other cannot see. Thus, I know possibilities that others are not aware of. Or just plain chooses to ignore because they can. Overthinking is when you speculate the possibilities, it is not the same as overseeing. When you oversee, you know all the possibilities exist. Now, you are just observing to see which of those possibilities the person will choose to express.
Because I can see shades of a person that others are not able to see. From those shades, I know what that person is capable of. Thus, I must constantly be aware of my actions, influences, and reactions when I am around them. Because, though we cannot control, and take full responsibilities for someone else’s choices in actions and reactions. We — are responsible for ours; and whether we like it or not; unintentionally or intentionally. We — make influential contributions to others upon our encounters. Therefore, we are also somewhat responsible, on some levels, due to those influences.
I strongly believe that who we are is majorly the result of the people in our lives that we interact with. Their actions and reactions influence us and help us grow and be who we are. But in the same way that they can help us, they can hurt us and break us too. Therefore, we must be mindful and aware of our actions and reactions to theirs as well. Mindful of how we let it influences us. We must also be aware too that sometimes our prejudices assumptions, judgements, and expectations push others into corners. Forces results to confirm our judgement, perspectives, and assumptions.
Depending on our perspectives; by our actions and reactions. We — can force others into being the person we see them as. Or want them to be, instead of who they are. Then, we condemned them for what we made of them. Because it is easier to blame them, than it is to own up to our responsibility towards them. It is always easier to look outward to find flaws in others than to look inward to recognize our own.
Being human, I have experienced, exhibited, and have been a witness to enough shades of humanity to know: How selfish. How reckless. How mindless. How self-absorb. How greedy and ambitious. How undisciplined, and deeply drawn to extremes we can be to simulate us. Being unself-aware, we are easily lost in illusion of our own making and easily blinded by impulses.
We are also addicted to pain and suffering. As is obvious by how much violent and horrific acts of terrors we have chosen to commit throughout our history. Even today, holding the knowledge that we hold the weapons that can easily destroy us all. We still mindlessly act and reacts in such a manner that allows act of war to start. That start us again and again on a course to self-destruct.
This is true human nature I have witnessed as a child. It has changed, it has grown, and yet it still led us back on the path of self-destruction. No matter how much we have grown, we always migrate back to the same path. Making the same habitual mistakes repeatedly. This is what I have learned in our recorded history. This is also what I have experienced in my current life and in the world events that unfolded over the years.
The results of the choices we have chosen…and continue to choose. Have set records that makes it hard for me to have hope, that the efforts I put out, means anything. I am a fighter. I do not believe in giving up. But my brutal journey upon this realm and my experiences taught me that I have every reason to believe my learned fears are legit. With the abilities to have insights and be able to oversee the repeated results of our choices. Having witnessed the past, having experience the present, and seen the future. Not just in this timeline, but many others as well. Tell me, how can my fear not be legit?
If someone born to hold light, can lose hope only having been here a short time. How can I have confident that I can help those who have been here much longer? Who is stuck and lost in this maze call “life”? Who are dissuaded by it, time and time again to forget their higher missions and purposes?
Having witnessed, faced, and been victimized by humanity dark truths too often. Knowing that being “spiritual” in a human avatar does not make me immune to those basics’ nature. Because of the knowledge that I have of my true self, of being my true self. But also, the direct experience of being human and being enslaved to its nature. With those first-hand experiences to ground me. While having the abilities to have insights into the true consequences of our past, present, and future events.
How can I delude myself into believing that I can 100% overcome the strong seductive pull of my human nature? I am no saint, and not some great ascended masters like that of Buddha or Jesus. Whom have both physical and spiritual power to help them be who they are here to be. I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth and have easy choices I can choose from. I was born to authentic humanity.
Therefore, I genuinely know the struggles humanity goes through to be who we are. I was not born sheltered from pain, from hardship, and from the mundane suffering humanity is put through daily by life’s lessons. Because of those reasons. I am not arrogant, naïve, nor ignorance enough to think myself immune to the flaws of my human nature.
If I was born into a physical spiritual path. Then my environment would set me up to help me be in that position and protect me from those mundane flaws. But I am not. I was born to have the authentic human experiences. Therefore, I know what can happen if I let my guard down and be mindless. It only takes one moment of weakness. One moment of uncertainty, for undisciplined desire and ego to step in and render all principles and morals…irrelevant. Only one moment to forget that shockwaves of pain and suffering can result in less than a second, and regrets can scar eternally.
For those reasons I was truly terrified of my abilities. It is one thing to imagine that you have something you do not. It is another to have confirmations it is real and how dangerous it can be. My fears also cause me to believe I am a fool. There are times I thought the higher power give me gifts for its own amusement, because it wants to watch me struggle. It knows I am a fool and will not use it to cheat my way through my lessons. Because I strongly do not believe in abusing powers just because I have it. If I can do something without it, then I rather reserve my gifts to use for something a little less selfish than minor desires and whims.
Because this is who I am, for a time I did not want to accept the thought I have gifts. It felt like a huge burden I do not want to be responsible for. Therefore, I felt undeserving of the blessings. Because I felt it was wasted on me. There are so many, many hard times, where I am so tempted to “cheat”, but I would not. It would be so easy to have those hard times go away, but I could not even contemplate the thought of using my gifts in such a way.
My heart and soul could not master up enough selfish desire to use what I was given. For what I honestly believe, is an unnecessary means to an end. I believe I came into this life for all the experiences it offers. I accepted its challenges coming into it. Lessons would not be taught to me if I did not need it. Thus, to cheat on the test would cheapen my experiences. Hence, causes me to remain lost within it and never to be able to find my way home.