ASR: B14: Chapter 14: Next To The Brightest Light — Is Where The Darkness Is Most Profound

I strongly also believe that some gifts should be shared to do greater good for more than just one person. The problem with our world is that we have too many people who can share but would not. They would rather waste the resources they have (fields of food burnt to control price) than give to those who does not. They would rather mind their own business, to stay in their comfort bubble. Than to make a difference. There are too many people suffering in this world. There are also too many that think it is okay already to do nothing.

I do not believe I need to add to that pool. Yes, I can use my gift on myself to stop all my suffering. But I believe it is better to have everyone else suffer a little less, than just to end one person suffering. Because this is how I think, what I was taught by this world to do with my gifts causes a war within me.

I was taught and straight out told the gifts I am given if not used, will be wasted, and I am being ungrateful. Thus, undeserving of what I was blessed with. Because I am taught this way of thinking, I used to sometimes hate myself for being the person that I am…a person who genuinely care. There are times I wanted to rip out my own heart and crush it to dust, so that I can stop caring. Stop giving and doing what is needed. Stop being me, stop understanding why compassion is so desperately needed in this realm.

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I also used to think I was the dumbest person in God’s creation because I choose to suffer, but I do not know why. Even though I was taught better by my peers. Spellbind by deep wisdoms and higher command, to do what must be done — regardless of the consequences to myself. There are times due to my ability to see what lies ahead. I know with sickening certainty the prices I — will pay. Pay for the action I must take to accomplish the higher purpose I am here for, but I could not stop. I feel like a puppet, unable to resist the string I am attached too.

There are times growing up I felt so alone because no one can understand the struggle and battles I fight every second of every day to be me. When I tried to tell people, they always tell me, “everyone has a choice”. I tried to believe that, but that only make the inner conflict harder. Until I realize all that I know now, whenever someone tells me I have a choice. But I know I do not, yet I do not know why they do — and I do not. Whenever they insisted, it breaks my heart because I know there lies another reason why I am so different from them. Another reason why I will never get to experience what they take for granted each day.

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Before the puzzle started making sense, every day I struggled with conflicting thoughts. I understand the lessons taught to me by the material world I belong too. But I do not know why I cannot bring myself to accept it. About seven years ago, I felt tortured by all the conflicting internal struggles. By the daily constant “purposeless” lessons and tests that is my life — to the point where I just wanted it ALL to end. COMPLETELY end. And I am not talking suicide, because that is just mere physical existence, it would not help someone like me.

Remember, I am a person who live two sides of the same coins at the same time. When things get bad, it gets REALLY BAD, on BOTH sides simultaneously. So, more often than not, when I feel beaten. I am BEATEN. COMPLETELY. Every front is fatigued. At one point, for the first time in my life, I want it to end. EVERYTHING to END. I am just THAT fatigued.

At the time I have only been upon this realm for 33 years and 31 out of those 33 years. I have been bombarded on all sides of existence on a daily base. With hits after hits not knowing why. All I have ever been able to do was survive, endure, and hope that whatever it is that is attacking me will get tired. Or let up just a little, so I can have a long overdue break in between the beating — but it did not.

I was trapped in one spot, unable to move, unable to do anything but endure the blows that pours over me. Not even knowing why I was targeted for the attacks. There seem to be no purpose for my existence other than to be a beating bag. So why continue to exist right? Why not just end it all?

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There are times in my life where the pain was too much. But even when it was unbearable, I knew I had to continue. Because I have knowledge that death was not enough to stop it. Death is temporary relief. So, I did not just want to die, I wanted to be erased from all planes of existence. With absolutely nothing to exist for other than to survive the physical and cosmic attacks aimed at me from every direction. The burden of existence I carry felt too much. I felt drained of my will to fight something I just cannot seem to change or break free from.

Confirmation of my gifts makes this burden even heavier. It is one thing to endure hardships while looking forward to something good down the road. Being torture while having a goal, a purpose, and a reason to fight back and to continue to endure — is different. Different from having all wants and needs beaten from you. Yet, forced to continue upon a horrific path without any hope for relief. Lost and not knowing where I am or where I am going, I kept moving forward because I am a fighter.

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But no matter how strong someone is. Everyone has a breaking point. My whole life was hardship. Therefore, I do not know any better to want more. But it does not mean I am completely without needs, wants, hopes, desires, and dreams for a better position in life. Being born into a human avatar. Being suited with the common struggle and basic hardships of life. I learned to want to have all those comforts that people have and wants for themselves. But the desires were beaten from me before I can even grasp how much I want them.

It is hard to be motivated when you are given no hope for changes. No hope to win what seem like meaningless battles. No matter how strong someone is. We are born with limitation and vulnerabilities in this realm. Therefore, when fatigue set in, and our efforts seem wasted. We cannot help letting our fear set in and allow it to dictate our actions, reactions, and choices we choose to make. Even understanding and accepting why everything in my life must be the way it is. It is still hard some days to be motivated to lift my feet to take that next step forward. Especially, when I have given it all my effort and more — every day. Yet still nothing has changed.

My wants are little. Very simple things people take for granted without seconds thoughts every day. But no matter how big or small. Instead of allowing me to have it as a tiny piece of hope, so it can carry me forward. It was beaten brutally from me. I was not allowed to feel anything but complete acceptance. Living life with complete acceptance in the moral realm can sometimes be unbearable. Because it is hard for me to reacts and act according to what others are trained to expect.

Surrounded by feelers, I struggle to navigate my way around a world unfamiliar to me with burdens too heavy to carry. But I carry it because it is mine to carry. Even if I do not know why or want to. However, having the loads of “meaningless” hardships added on. When you are already struggling to accept the unwanted weight, you already have — is too much. Without any explanation or understanding of why I must carry those burdens. Nor any relief or breaks I can see in the distance road ahead. It became overwhelming and unbearable.

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That day not too soon after I realize “God” is nothing but an illusion. My existence felt too much. Growing up, not being able to connect or relate to anyone else in my world. I learned to depend on “God” to stay grounded, in this maze of endless darkness I have been traveling. As I wander deeper and deeper into this path, the darkness became overwhelming. I begin to fear the light I hold inside me, is not enough to last my whole journey.

Therefore, I learned to look to “God”, who I am taught is the most brilliant source of light. To help keep my own source of light alive. Knowing that even if I cannot relate to others, “God” as our creator, is “someone” I can relate to. “God” made me after all, so I must have been infused with a part of it. There must be a purpose for my creation other than to be a cosmic beating bag. Those believed connections, gives me hope. The only hope for so long on this seemingly endless road of darkness.

Therefore, when the higher truth about “God” was revealed to me. It ripped that last hope away. I do not know how to continue alone on this path. Not knowing how to be a “successful” human because my higher spiritual knowledge, would not let me embrace the human principles I was taught. Nor can I be physically “spiritual” due to the way my life is set up. Forcing me to stay emerged within my lessons and the environments that was created to teach me.

Hence, I felt like I am a burden on the people who loves me in this world. Whom have to watch me suffer something we both could not understand and do anything about. What is worst? I felt I am a burden and undeserving of the grace from the higher power that put me here. The power that put so much effort in creating and designing me.

Because I know how much I am loved, I felt despair. Despair that I can be so dumb that I could not learn to be what I am born to be. Before I got the confirmation that I am “spiritual.” I could not understand why I am borne human. Yet, being human is such an impossible task I cannot seem to grasp the basic of. It should be natural for me to be like everyone else. Not care so much, not be so mindful and aware.

Seeing the lives of those around me who can easily accept those surface basic lessons and “logics” — Prospered. Prospered with what seem like an abundance of “rewards” and “reinforcement” for “a lesson well learned”. While all I do is struggle; I started believing what I was taught: my life was designed as a punishment.

With this believe I had hope it would make me feel better, but it did not. The “voice” that speak to my soul would not let me “settle” with this excuse. It keeps asking me questions such as: If my life was designed as a “punishment”, then what am I being punished for? What did I do to deserve such sever punishments from the higher power? Is wanting to be a decent (not even a “good” person, just a decent) person…So I can face myself in the mirror every day such a horrible crime?

The obvious answer due to everything that I have had to live through up to this point say, “YES!” But life is not a test if the obvious answers are always the right ones, right?

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Twice, unexpectedly during this time, on the highest authority of existence, I am SHOWN who I am. Who I REALLY am. For someone who had honestly been convinced and taught to believe she is a cosmic mistake due to all the unexplainable events in her life. I was stunned and floored with humbleness by what I was shown, and the compliment I was given.

With crystal clear clarity, I was shown then that: Some people will be given “gifts” to test their will. Others will be blessed because the higher power trust them…and know they would not abuse it. True powers lie not in how well you use your abilities, but in who you are and what you will do with it. It lies not in the hands of those who can show it. It lies in the hands of those who bows before it — Who respect and understand its purpose.

With that clarification, everything became clear. Almost every piece of puzzles I have been struggling with, “magically” seem to fall into its place, all by itself. Things became so much clearer and easier to accept and understand. Therefore, yes, I have tamed my fear of self. But not completely conquered it. But I am glad for this fact. Because fear is a good reminder that I am here on a moral journey. Fears commands respect and respect is grounded in humble acceptance of the natural laws of existence.

Being afraid will keep us grounded, so there’s no shame in having a little bit of fear. With this fear at ease, I came to realize finally what my purpose for being here is. I finally realized other universal truths too: Only the purest of heart can understand and see the truest form of impurity. Only the most “positive” can attract the most “negative” force of existence. The natural law of existence is: where the light is brightest is where the darkness is most profound.

Balances and harmony cannot be achieved by conquest. It can only be achieved by wisdom of understanding what is opposite of us…and in our full acceptance and embracement of it. Positive and negatives forces of the universe is two sides of the same coin. They are equally important to our existence. Life is where we test our abilities to understand the origin of our true self. It is also the ultimate rite of passage that the soul takes on the road to maturity.