ASR: B14: Chapter 3: I Thank People For Being Who They Are.
Before I found out all that I know today, for years I felt like I was a bird living inside a cage. Chained by the neck; and made into a puppet to be yank this way and that — at the will of the puppet master. Before my teenage years. There are times, where I was immobile by higher forces from doing things, I often see my peers do. Literally, during those time I felt as if someone has taken the control of my will and froze it. Caught off guarded, I shrug it off and felt bewildered afterward but thought nothing of it.
I mean for a kid who can seem to read people’s thoughts. Whom have experiences things with high-definition graphic resolutions at inhuman distance. Or hear things from far away and dream of the “future”. Whose spirit could travel outside of her body while she is awake and actively interacting with others…And have time stopped so she can understand life higher lessons. It is pretty “normal” to be temporarily “restricted” from your own will. However, I did not understand the magnitude of my situations. Nor realize its significant, until I was 17 years old.
A teenager, wanting something so badly. I was willing to ignore what little unrealized higher “rules and laws” I can sense was governing my life up until then. Young, naïve, and even arrogant enough to dare to believe my peers when they taught me: That I have choices, I can choose, and it was my rights. I started to see hope for normality and reached for what everyone I know kept telling me: “Life is what you make of it,” “You can be whatever you want to be,” “There is always a choice,” and “The choice is yours.”
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As the eldest child, who was responsible and sensible. Whom could handle the responsibilities of taking care of three younger siblings; and the household since the age of six-ish. Due to the necessity of life circumstances, I was forced to become wise early. Therefore, I have the respect of my parents on a lot of things since I was a child, as I was viewed as another authority figure in the household.
However, I was not a true authority or “adult” to my parents till the age of around 14 or 15. The day I walked terrifyingly up to my dad with threats of a hard — but fair beating hanging over my head. As I willingly confessed and accepted my punishment for the mistake, I have made in trusting my sister to keep her promises. Her promises to return home before my parents came home from work. Because I honestly do not believe it was fair that we are kept “locked in” for safe keeping. That our lives should only consist of going to school and coming home right after.
So, I made the decisions to trust my sister, hoping she would trust and respect me enough to keep her words. It was either trust her or have her sneak out and not know where she was. Or when to expect her to be back. She is also built bigger than me and therefore, I cannot physically restrain her if she chose to do so. Which I do not want too, because I believe we are kids not prisoners. We should be trusted to have some social life. We should be able to go out for a bite to eat or visit a friend for a couple of hours. As long as, we are honest and responsible about where we are going or what we are doing.
Both my parents worked both days and nights and does not have time to take us out often. I am fine with being cooped up with my three younger siblings. Because I have responsibilities and duties they do not have. It kept me busy. But my siblings themselves, close to being young teens, cannot stand the confinements. Hence, since my parents does not understand their needs, I must be the one to make that call. My instincts and insights into people make me realize the consequences of pushing people too far. Especially, teenagers who were growing up in a different world than the ones their parents were used to.
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No matter how wise or mature I was as a teenager. I can only protect and minimize the damages my parents were doing to themselves, to us, and us to each other — only so much. After all, I was still a kid myself. Put into a position where no matter what decisions I make. There will be consequences to me because of my expected roles and those I am responsible for. Therefore, I must learn to be mindful of the choices I choose. To pick the ones that I hope was the less effecting and damaging to those I love most. Even if that mean I pay the higher price for everyone’s sake.
I did not know what my dad thought about that day, but I remember that it was a defining day for me. I remember the raged look being stunned off his face to be replaced by stunned surprise. Surprised that I would walked up to squarely look him in the eyes and told him my mistake and took responsibility for it. He was silence for a moment after my confession before he quietly told me not to do it again. Since that day when I was still 14 or 15, I have never got another beating. That day I learned that no lies was worth the truth.
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Another defining day in my life happened when I was fifteen. For the first time in my life, I spoke up against the constant verbal, mental, and emotional abuse that my sisters and I was daily exposed too. I do not blame my parents for the way they acted, because I understand. I understand now that this was considered acceptable behavior that was taught to them. Those behaviors are an extension of historical tradition — culturally taught and passed down ignorantly.
In a culture that taught heavy duties and obligations towards others but ignore one’s responsibility toward one’s own actions and choices. My parents choose to have children, taught that culturally they are needed. However, they were never taught their responsibility to those children once they have them. Thus, they went after their personal goals, choosing choices they declare was best for “everyone.” But only taking what they see as “best” and only doing what they feel entitles to do — regardless of consequences to those children involved. Or how it effects other in their environment and path of choices.
A culture, like many around the world, historically taught that children are the parents’ “properties.” Thus, must respect the parents unconditionally, because it is their rights as parents to “deserve” that respect. Parents are taught to be treated and viewed by the children like “Gods”. Thus, they cannot do any wrong. That every decision they make are for the best of the children. Hence, my parents were taught that their duty is only to provide for us on a physical level and passes those traditional views onto us.
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Side Note: I do not blame my parents (or anyone in my life for who they are) for what they were taught, nor will I make excuses for their ignorance. But I UNDERSTAND. Hence, I do not hold it against them. I write about my real personal experiences to articulate my points. Not so strangers can judge the people in my life like they know them personally. You should never have judgement for someone based on someone’s else experiences with them.
Also, be mindful that every individual is who they are, as a results of many life affecting factors. Sometimes life can be very brutal. Life can suck for good people. Therefore, it can corner and forces them to do things and act the way they do not want too. I am not making excuses for the scumbags of the world. I just understand from experiences that not everyone is privileged to have easy real options to choose from.
Therefore, sometimes good people can be forced and cornered into acting or reacting the way they do…mostly mindlessly — or habitually. Because that is all they have ever known. So, be kind. Be grateful that you — can choose to be who you are. Remember, the people in our orbits, are there also to help us learn higher lessons. Hence, help us become who we are. Therefore, we should THANK them for being who they are — so WE can be who we are.
Also, instead of judging and holding resentments against them for what they cannot yet learn. We should try to understand their positions and help them learn their lessons too — once we have learned ours because of them. By showing them what they cannot see for themselves. By being a shining example of inspirations against the abundances — of detriments factors that influences and overwhelmed them each day.
Please, do not let your hurt feelings of entitlements allow you to hold grudges against the people who hurt you. Do not be a prisoner to your ego, and let it blindside you and define you. Make you become someone who is narrow-minded, ungrateful, and cannot forgive — Thus, cannot move forward. Life lessons are created to help us evolve. Help us become stronger and better than before we came into it. Not shackles in prison cells or as punishments.
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My parents choose to have children, but it was my grandparents who took care of us. However, when my grandparents are not in the picture. They passed on those responsibilities to me because I was the oldest. Therefore, that is my culturally taught role to play. Can you imagine a six-years-old taking over the responsibilities of her parents’ — To care, to watch over, to teach, and to discipline three younger siblings very close to her in age? At the same time is expected to be able to fulfil other household chores, responsibilities, and the parents’ ideal expectations of the child?
I have learned to take over their roles and learned in their stead. The wisdoms they would have learned had they spend more time with my sisters and myself. Because I learned young to survive and to take care of others, I learned to pay attention to the world. Thus, I earned the wisdoms to believe the constant anger, blaming, and accusation — Hidden in the shadow of the excuses and promises to work for our future. Is not a valid excuse for making us feel so badly about being born. It is not good for any children, to constantly be forced to listen to that kind of abuse. Especially, children who are starting to become teenagers who does not feel loved. Loved by parents who wants to live and work for an unknown future more than the known presence.
I remember standing before my mom, looking into her eyes, and asking her calmly to think on what she is doing. I asked, “Whose future are they working for? If this second one of us, or all of us — walked out the door and got hit by a car and die. Then what are they working for? Who are they working for? None of us might live long enough to see the “future” they are trying to build for us. But we are all experiencing and enduring their abuse now. As the result of that “bright future” that is not guaranteed. That they are hoping for or promising us, we are hurting now. If we die now, who would they take their anger and frustration about their choices out on?”
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Side Note: To point out to your parents their flaws are considered ungrateful acts. Disrespectful and unfilial because of the engraved “filial piety” templated into the Asian culture. I grew up brainwashed by cultural stories of abusive, irrational parents being “Gods” you must worships. To accept my place beneath them. To accept that I owe them for my life. Therefore, accept their abuse silently — while be whole-heartedly grateful. Because I was lost and conditioned so, I embraced this template. Became too grateful. Hence, why my higher teams must step in and forcefully interfere.
Yes, I needed those experiences. Hence, why I was born into my family and my circumstances. And yes, I am very grateful to my parents for being who they are — so I can be who I am. I cannot be all I am right now if they were different. Therefore, do not take my words as resentment. Nor my using all those examples — as the fact that I have not move on from it. Wise people know — that remembering your lessons means…that it does not need to be retaught.
There is a difference between holding onto something — and allowing it to imprison you within its detriment cycles…and remembering your lessons. Remembering your lessons and using it: To evolve, fine-tuned, and elevate your weaknesses into solid strengths and humble power. The abilities to turn weaknesses into strengths. Into humble powers that you can hold and direct — without letting it overwhelm and corrupt you. Takes multiple lifetimes to learn…yet, mastered by few. So be patient with yourself. Be patient with others who is also journeying this road with you.
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That day I think my parents finally realized that I might be their child biologically, but I have outgrown them. After that day, I think my mom started to feel intimidated — and threatened, by her inabilities to manipulate me to take responsibilities for her actions and decisions. I also think my parents feel intimidated by the fact that my knowledge and wisdoms — were beyond what they have taught to me. Scared of where I have learned it from, since I rarely even have a social life that they know of.
Because I have outgrown my physical parents in thoughts, and because I gave them no reason to worry or discipline me. I should have the freedom to be whoever or whatever I want to be. I should also have an ego the size of Godzilla. I should. I really, really should turn out more “confident”. If not outright arrogant, and ignorant than the person I am today. But I could not — and that is where my internal struggle began. The moment my physical parents stepped back and can no longer be an “authority figure and role model” in my life. My secondary authority figures. My spiritual team of guardians — and source, step forward like a sledgehammer.
Unlike my physical parents. I could not get away with ANYTHING. There was no arguing, no begging, no pledging, no bargaining, and definitely — no ignoring. There is also no “logically” reasoning and excusing my way out of anything — using false knowledge and wisdom I did not earn. From age fifteen to seventeen I thought I was old, mature, and wise enough to be my own person. Wise enough to make good choices and decide for myself what was best. I am a responsible daughter, and even my parents think so. That was why they give me the freedom to make choices on my own and trusts me with it.
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Therefore, when I was suddenly shackled with chains, upon chains, upon chains — Upon chains of restrictions, disciplines, and what seem like a ridiculously long list of “unreasonable” rules — I did not know what to do or how to react. So, I did what anyone who has never been chained, but suddenly woke up to find themselves chained do.
I yank on the chain to see if it is real. Finding out that it is real. I panic and yanked harder. In my panic and confusion, I forgot that the chains are made of metal and my flesh are vulnerable. The force of me yanking repeatedly against it — will only causes the chains to rub my skin raw. Therefore, causing me physical wounds until I learn to calm down and think about my actions. If I do not think. I will forever be imprisoned…and worst — I will be imprisoned and in pain.
At first, I was not wise enough to understand that I would rather be imprisoned alone…than be imprisoned and in pain. But the frustration and hopelessness of my situation soon made me realize that; and it made me wiser to the actions I am taking next. As I spent time within the shackles. I had time to think and realize I am given brain to think. Obviously, since I do not have the strength to break the chains, I need another way out. I tried everything to get out of the unbreakable invisible chains that bounds me to my “true” self and its destined path.
https://aspiritualistsrecord.medium.com/asr-b1-chapter-5-the-higher-truth-abortion-9b47f3b55474
