ASR: B14: Chapter 4: The Voice Of Love

After seventeen years of being upon this physical plane, fifteen out of those seventeen years. I have always consciously known my guardians. Though I have never “seen” or formally met them until recently. It is normal for me to listen whenever they give me advice because they rarely interfere or lead me wrong.

However, it was hard not to be confused the older I get, and the more friends I make. Therefore, the more “educations” I am given by the physical world — To think my guardians could possibly be “real”. I know I am different from other people, but I had hoped that was my imagination. That everyone goes through it. With time and age, I will get more mature and wiser — and I will outgrow my “imagination.” Therefore, my companions, guardians, and source — and their powers over me. 😉

I mean, people say kids often have imaginary friends, right? I thought maybe that was my problem. My companions are just my “imagination” and if I am strong willed, which I am. If I believe hard enough — I will not be governed by a “fragment of my imagination”. I thought this sequence of thoughts seem very “logical”, “rational”, and reasonable.

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Until a “REAL” honest-to-God, VOICE that I do not recognize as mine — using actual WORDS, not just a feeling. Shout into my head a command and the next thing I know…I am no longer piloting my body — while I am still in it. I took the place of the entity, whom presence I have always felt watching over me since that faithful day when time stopped — and it took mine.

It was a weird “calming”, “peaceful”, and “all-accepting.” Yet stunning, and shocking experience. But I would not describe it as “horrifying,” due to all my previously unexplainable experiences in the weird and bizarre. I think I was too caught off-guarded, startled, and surprised at the time to feel…or do anything else — but acted according to my higher instinct.

I do not know if I am even describing the experience right. It is like being in a very focused state, knowing you are alone. Then suddenly, without warning, you are being grabbed and hugged from behind. It surprises you, but once you realize it is safe, you accepted it and enjoyed it. Because it is something you have experienced previously and are used to it.

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Most of my experiences in the unusual are normal to me, so it always feels like that surprised hug. Except instead of a hug, I experience things I cannot explain. Such as this experience of being “possessed” or “overridden”. I feel displaced and disorientated, due to the sudden High-Definition heightening of my senses and awareness. Yet, at the same time the world dulled to dream-like surrealism. I was there, but not really, there.

I can still feel the movement of my body and actions, but it was dream-like. It is like my “out of body” experiences at spiritual setting. But not quite the same. Since, in those experiences I still feel consciously in control “inside” my body. Also, like those experiences, I do see from two different perspectives at the same time. I see myself and my surrounding from outside myself like a viewer, but I also see through my physical eyes what is in front of me. However, unlike those experiences, this time I have absolutely no control over this physical suit I am in.

I guess the best way to articulate this experience is: if you can imagine the human body like a computerized body armor. Like an Ironman’s suit. Normally I am inside there piloting it. If I am not inside piloting it, then I am the one remotely controlling it behind a screen. When I am inside piloting it, I am the “normal” me. When I am “remoting in”, is like my experience at spiritual setting. I am still connected; the suit is an extension of me. I am still controlling it and thus, still aware of my actions, even if I am not physically present inside it.

Now to understand this experience. Imagine I am still inside my suit, but suddenly I have lost control of it. Someone else have override its system and I am just “along for the ride”. The difference between this experience and all other is that I am made…consciously aware, that I have no control. I am no longer the soul nor brain of the suit I am in.

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At first because I am fully absorbed in the present moment. The sudden loss of control disoriented me for a second. But I quickly reoriented myself and even “calmly panic,” for another second…when I realize what had just happened. I “calmly panic” when I realize the two people watching and interacting with me were going to realize something was wrong with me. So, I reasoned and beg that whatever was piloting my body, to do so as inconspicuously as possible. I am already a “strange” and “weird” enough teenager to everyone I know — I really did not need to be more so!

I do not know how to describe the unreal and impossible experiences of that night. Of feeling panicky calm, as I see, hear, think, and feel myself robotically say and move about. I remember hearing myself and “seeing” myself from a “distance” and for a second, was mortified by what I was seeing. Thinking, “OMG, how does that look natural?! Stop! Say something. You cannot let it end like this.”

Because it is an experience outside of time. Till today the memory of that moment is still fresh. So, too are its lessons. I cannot forget the feeling of being fully conscious of my limited connection and disconnection to this world. Nor can I forget the powerful force that holds me imprisoned within another realm, while it controls my body. I was warned severely…twice, before this drastic measure was taken by my guardians that day of course. But I ignored the warnings; telling myself that it was just my imagination. I mean — it must be!!

What other explanation could there be for me to abruptly flew off someone’s lap in the middle of a “moment” to land on the floor. The stunned surprised look on the other person’s face — with arms still in the position of holding me. As I went flying — landed and looked up. Testify against me being thrown off. So, what other explanation could there be?

Not to mention that before that, there were many non-too-subtle reminders that I choose to ignore. It was getting louder and louder. But I had such a wonderfully normal day. I felt so human and so privileged to be so. Therefore, I insist on ignoring it — telling myself. I am just a normal person. All those strange things that happens to me. They are probably my imaginations like everyone said. All my knowing…are just me “overthinking.” So, if I do not think those thoughts — it would go away.

Therefore, after the first warning, I was cautious after picking myself back up. Feeling a little startled but waving it off as nothing of concern. So, the second warning came, as a surprise as well. It was a gentle warning that consists of a “flash” vision of an invisible, knife-like lightning bolt. One made of pure heavenly light (same light as the funeral now that I think about it). In the vision, it came out of nowhere and plunges into my heart. Made me unable to literally breathe…grabbing at my chest and gasping for breath because of the sudden intense physical pain that came with the vision.

It came just as quickly as it went. Being a thankfully, very healthy young teen, I had no idea what to make of it. How do you even try to comprehend something this extraordinary — on such a wonderfully “normal” day…full of ordinary wonders? So, of course, again…I shrug it off and continue to convince myself that I am “overthinking” things. Hence, why I was caught completely off guarded again when I was “overridden.”

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Oh…I have faced the consequences of trying to be ignorant and defiant before. The previous example was more severe. But just like the time I made it so that I won “BINGO” — seven times straight in elementary school. I ignored the warning and paid a price I could never forget…a price I still paid today. But it was just the beginning, because apparently the older I get. The harder it was to believe in the existent of my guardians. So more drastic measures, such as the previously described incidents — was needed to keep me grounded to my “spiritual” self. Grounded, mindful, and aware — also of my abilities and the higher rules that I must learn to respect for having them.

While growing up, “ordinary days” are rare for me. They are surreal days that makes simple, everyday life — so “magical”. Days where I just get to enjoy simple daily life, without the feeling of being lost or out of place. Days where I get to forget the heavy burden of a charmed life full of impossibilities. Of holding a secret burden so big that I have teams of guardians and protectors who bend realities and times, to make sure I know I am not just here to blend in.

While the strong barriers and protections inside my soul that kept me from fully knowing who I am. Makes all my experiences seem very dream-like and surreal. Having the abilities to “wake up” into different realms and timelines. Makes “real” life very surreal. But even more so when I was forced out of conditioned-fear, to put inhibitors on some of my abilities. Thus, causes it to distort my abilities to absorb those experiences both in the spiritual and physical realms even more.

Especially, so when “new” abilities start to come into “real” life. I get really disoriented when I begin to “wake up” to the spiritual realm…while I am still awake in the physical realm. While I am in the middle of doing something or interacting with others. It is surreal to be experiencing multiple or overlapping “realities” at the same time…without the dividers of being unconscious when it happens.

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Because I associate “waking up” into different realms, bodies, and timelines to the surrealism of “dreams.” Because that is how it used to happen when I was younger growing up. I was O.K. with writing my unusual abilities and experiences off as dreams. Dreams which I am taught are not “real” and the work of our subconscious. Hence, I was taught it cannot affect my physical life, and to not be mindful of it. Therefore, I cannot understand and process the feelings and experiences of those events — happening while I am not asleep. No matter how vivid or how many times strange things happen to me, I cannot seem to convince myself that it was real.

Because for most of my life that was what I was taught — and what I have learned to believe and embrace. So, it made it especially harder for me to adjust to changes to my abilities and effects my acceptances of it. Because of my learned fear of people’s reactions due to my experiences with my gifts. I think for a long time I live dependent upon the hope — that I will “grow out of” the person I know I am and will become. I hoped that I can bypass the facts that I have abilities and is different from everyone I know — if I just continue to pretend, they are not real.

That the differences I know, and feel was a psychological block. A block that I choose to hide under, until I am ready to deal with whatever that was bothering me. Not that it actually…means I am different. For a teenager facing constant changes. Trying to balance two worlds on her shoulders — as well as being weighed down by universal secrets that she was taught she should not have known. It was terrifying.

This invisible weight on my shoulders that I have been carrying. I do not know what it was, and I cannot see it. I cannot shake it off and I do not know how long I have been carrying it. It was like…I am so used to it and so isolated, that I did not know it was there. Then one day I ran across others and woke up to the realization that it was not “normal” to have such a burden. Thus, I want to take it off, but I could not. I wanted to throw it down, but do not know how to take it off without it crushing me. Nor without being thrown off balance because I have gotten so used to it. So used to it that I have adjusted to the weight long before I realize: it should have bothered me.

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Since waking up to the realization that the burden I carry was not universally mandatory. It grew heavier with every step I take. My curiosity grew day by day as I begin to wonder what it was. Why I was born to carry it and why I was not allowed to access it. I mean it is baffling that I can access impossible abilities without even having to try. Abilities that are so dangerous that I was scared to think anyone — myself include, to have possess of. Nor knowing how I just “know” and understands things.

Yet, when it comes to this minor detail of who I am and my mission and its purpose: I am not allow access. Not only am I not allowed access, but that I know I am being intentionally misdirected. It frustrated me to no end, knowing this fact. But cannot understand why it must be so. When I tried time and time again to access it, but permission continue to be denied. I became impatient and my rebellious phase started.

I reasoned that I have a right to understand, why I am being governed by different “laws” than everyone I know. I wanted to know if I was doing it to myself. If not, then who? Who have that kind of power over my life? Therefore, to rebel — since I cannot detach myself from my burden. Cannot fight against a nonphysical force that made it crystal clear — that it is powerful enough to bend the fabric of time and space just to put me in my place. I attached myself desperately to things I know and can control to make myself feel better.

Logic, practicality, rationalization, and realism…became very important to me. Form and organization became comfort. It was not real if I cannot take it apart and put it back together again and again. If I cannot touch it, I would not believe in it. My life at moments was so surreal that I need something to attach to and ground myself with. Something solid and consistent to hang onto…until the time was right for the burden to be lifted. As time went on, I became scared of the package I have been carrying all my life. Wondering if it was a bomb waiting to explode. I am not afraid to die, but I cannot live with myself if I hurt someone else.

Thus, I decided I needed more ground to stand on. I could not see-saw between worlds anymore. The physical world was sold to me as “the real,” so I reached out to it and tried to deny its counterpart. But it would not be denied due to my gifts and my guardians. Thus, my existence became off balanced and chaos ensue.