ASR: B14: Chapter 5: Being A “Loser” Has Its Benefits.
Before I realized the reasons for why my life is the way it is. I thought everything that happened to me before ten years ago and within the last 10 years — was a path designed by an entity that must have viewed me with total hatred. For why would I be treated so badly if I was not hated? If I am not a mistake, then why was “God” trying to “fix” me by torturing me with all those lessons?
I went through “Hell” not once, not twice — but multiple times! And nothing, I was taught by anyone in this realm, made any sense! My life was a complete mess made of chaos, pain, destructions, and hardship. Wherever I go. Things get up-rooted, breaks, or falls apart. Coming from a world of complete love. It was hard to see and experience the kind of pain and suffering I see all around me. Hard to understand how people can accept and ignore the “obvious” roots cause of that pain and suffering…and not do anything about it. It was obvious to me, but I did not realize it was not to others.
Coming from “realms” of abundances and “born” into “ruling families” of those many realms. I was robbed off a lot and stripped from everything — to be able to see and experiences what it is like to be a student of this realm. It is a blessing in disguised of course — Now that I know. But growing up at that time, it does not feel like it.
For a long time, I am taught through my failed understandings of my lessons and trials that my life is nothing but a punishment. But I did not understand what I am being punished for. I did not know what I did to “deserve” the things that happened to me. Nor the accusations. Nor why the higher power seems to confirm and side with those who taught me so.
I was confused by all that I was taught by others in my life. Confused but wise enough to questions the teachings I was taught. For example, if the teaching about Karma is true about past life and this life. If I do not remember what I did wrong in my last life, as I am sure many people of this world does not. How can I fix it? How can I know where I went wrong to correct myself? Therefore, this teaching does not make any sense.
Also, if I am such a bad person. Then why is it that even when I found gold…because it is not mine, I have no desire to take it for myself? As other have, even though they do not even need it. Even though it does not suit them, and they have no use for it. They took it, disregarding the fact that it sentimentally means so much to someone else. I could not understand how such act seems O.K. and “rewarded” by abundances from the Higher Power. While all I want is to live a simple life…to the best of my abilities and see those around me as happy as I was.
Yet, every day is a constant trial. I know “God” exist, that is what make the “unfairness” of my life. When taught to look around and compare, that much harder to comprehend. I could not understand what I see all around me. I did not understand why “God” punish those who tries so hard and ask for so little. Who is so appreciative of what they are given…that they believe in and worship “God,” even in the face of such glaring “unfairness.” While those who takes their privileges and gifts for granted — Who is thoughtless, selfish, greedy, and careless are constantly being “rewarded.”
Unlike other people, believing in a higher power is not a choice I choose to make. Nor taught to believe in by anyone of this realm. Before I could be taught to understand the significant and the possibility of a divine entity that people hope to exist — I already know it does. I have already encountered and been acquainted with it.
The first time, time stopped to introduce me to the presences of my spiritual guardians and companion. Guaranteed that I cannot deny there is a divine realm. Every time after that — was just reinforcing and solidify this piece of fact for me. Despite my lack of believes in religions, and its practices. I am already taught to know what I know. Therefore, it is very hard for me growing up trying to comprehend what I am taught and what I see as “reality” and not questions it.
Living a life where you are constantly fighting for the idea of “free-will” and always end up on the losing side of the battle. You either become someone who is too intimidated to do — or try anything. Or you become someone immune to fear. Without fear you are free to try and do everything to break free from your situation. I have been both. Pushed to the bottomless pit of hopelessness to know what it is like, to understand it. Then to rise and soar above the heavens only to fall again and again.
Always loosing, I eventually learned has its benefit as well. It makes you stronger as you learn tolerance and endurance; from the strength it takes from picking yourself back up after every smack down. Then, you get to a point where you got nothing left to lose — but win. You win, by learning something from each battle that take you down. To make you more aware and mindful of your weaknesses, so you can improve and work on it.
Because of that, eventually, you will learn to get around your weaknesses and become smarter and more self-aware than your opponent. Or…you just learned how to be a better loser! 😊 Life is not always about winning the tangible prizes you can take home; to display on a shelf to collect dust. The best prize is in the wisdom you take out of your experiences just being a participant. Or by pushing yourself to test the best of your limitation.
My best prize from my constant battle with source for “free-will” is in some of the insights I am able to share with others, like those in this book. I did not learn all I have said from reading a book. From hearing it from someone else, or by living life passively as an observer. Everything that I have learned and shared, are from some form of direct or indirect experiences.
Each lesson was carefully planned, lay out, and taught to me by a powerful source not many could comprehend. Taught to me through the people I am destined to encounter and all the events of my life. A source so powerful, so majestic, and so magnificent in magnitude. That it is hard to imagine — much less comprehend and wholly accept. Therefore, it is hard for me growing up being the few that can.
For years, I had hoped that by trying to live my life through gained approval or acceptance from others — I can bypass my understandings of this powerful entity. Bypass the understanding and acceptance of this larger-than-life entity, that makes me see life differently than everyone I know. I thought if I could pretend convincingly enough that it does not exist. Then it does not have control over me. Then, I can be like others and forge a connection with them. Thus, be “aligned and in-tune” with the world I am only half a part of. Because I am taught to believe (before I knew better) that it is the only way to stop the craziness in my life.
I needed to believe that because there are times, I desperately needed a break. But there is no one around who could give it to me to ask for it. I do not care who I am before I came into this life, and I do not care who I will become after this life is done. Right now, in this moment, I am only human. I have physical limits, emotional limits, mental limits, and even spiritual limits. Yes, due to my gifts, my guardians and protectors, and my training. It allows my limits to be stretched a little farther than my peers. But human is what I am right now, I am only trying to be the best I can be given my situation and conditions.
I am sure those who do not live my life reading it will think I am just exaggerating my hardship. I understand people’s reaction of course. Because I am a skeptic myself, due to how surreal my life has been. I have stood in their shoes and mine, so I know the differences. I know what it is like to be surrounded by people who are so lost. That they are borderline “delusional” to what is right in front of them.
I know what it is like to be so desperate for any form of answers to the bizarre happenings of my life. That I have openly allowed others to try to convince me (after not being able to convince myself). To believe that I have total will over the path of my destiny. I want to believe that this higher power, which has such an iron grip on my life…is not real and that it is only imaginary. But we failed spectacularly enough time to admit defeat.
I assure you; no one wants the ability to take my “free-will” into my own hands as much as I do. But I also assure you that “imaginary” super force do not have the power to rip your life apart — Repeatedly…just to prove that it is real. Do not have the ability to blurs the lines of realities as you know it…As everyone knows it, to make a point. It also does not have real issue with your resistance to believing in it. And it does not have the power to affect those in your life in extraordinary ways…As confirmations, to show you — that it is undeniably real.
I know I sound and act very ungrateful at times. But there are times, I find it is extremely hard to remember to be grateful. Especially, to a force that is responsible for all the calamity in my life. Life gets very frustrating when something that should take a normal person 10 minutes to do; takes you two days to do. Because supernatural forces steps in to intentionally makes things go bad. To test and train you on the abilities to stay patient, disciplined, mindful, and grounded.
With no physical “spiritual” mentor, teachers, coaches, and peers to teach me about the spiritual world. Also, almost zero interactions with others who is even remotely “gifted” with the knowledge to answer my inquiries. Or explain to me what is required of me to do. I learned to resist and fought what I am taught is “foreign and unacceptable”. Fought it with avoidance and outright denial.
It is very easy to “logically” accept the concept that those previously described examples are yet another “coincidence”. Or another moment of me “overthinking.” Therefore, filed it away in a seal boxed…that for some reason kept “mysteriously” unsealing itself. The only two other options had then been to accept: with great hope that it was just a phase in my life that will pass with age. But then, when I grew up, and still the craziness continued. Intensifying — to beyond the easy explanations of “coincidences”. Even beyond the more “acceptable” and easy explanation of “mental illness.” When I realize I cannot excuse it away, and acceptance became the only option: I know it is the natural truth no matter how bizarre…or out of this world it seems.
Only a desperate person would attempt to hang on to “normalcy” by embracing the “mental illness” idea, as if it were a precious lifeline. Because it seems the only reasonable explanation for my insane life. It was a miraculously “rational” concept for someone in my position at the time. I mean if I am diagnosed with a “mental illness” than I am somewhat “normal”. Because lots of people suffer those conditions.
To me, at the time, to be diagnose with a “mental disorder” would be a blessing. Because it is an explanation as to why I am the way I am. If there is an accepted “rational” answer for the madness that is my life. Then I can find a way to accept it, be content with it. Thus, work with it, to be who I need to be. I got nothing left to lose because I have lost everything before I could even think of wanting it. Thus, most of the time I am fearless…and now I realize the reason why my life was designed that way: It was to assure that I would explore all my options. That I learn all that I am put here to learn and do all that I was put here to do. Regardless, of the traits or attributes that limits, inhibit, and dictates my current avatar.
Side Note: Mental illness is a real issue. Like many other “physical” illnesses, there are different degrees and forms of it — that are still to be discovered and be understand. So, please do not take it likely. While I was growing up, this is a stigma that you want to avoid. It is a subject that has been around for as long as we have. But buried and “hushed” away, until only recently has it became O.K. to talk about openly. Most people with mental health does not even know it is mental health. Or want to admit it because they are afraid of others judgement, actions, and reactions. Due to our history of the “witch hunts” associated to the stigmas. Also, due to all the misrepresentations of the conditions in old media in the past.
Because this topic is not so widely known, and most people are yet to be educated about it. Myself, I had mistaken many of its definitions growing up because of others careless accusations towards me. Accusations that I took seriously due to my ignorance on the topic. Until life circumstances forced me to work in the field of mental health. Until a string of traumatizing events kept happening to me — causing me to develop an anxiety disorder. I did not truly understand what having a “mental illness” means. I did not know how to recognize and differentiate it. Therefore, growing up ignorance to its true meaning until life experiences taught me otherwise. I often mistakenly thought my spiritual abilities are mental illnesses. So, please be mindful not to be quick to judge others or label them with what you — yourself still does not know.