ASR: B14: Chapter 6: Power Is Not What You Think It Is.

Sometimes I feel too human — and other times…not human enough.

It is human to want. Human to desire. Human to feel. Human to want to connect to each other. Human to feel attachments. Human to get angry or upset. Human to be selfish and greedy. Those are just some human traits and attributes that makes humanity what it is. But since I was young, being someone who understands, trusts, and accepts — completely, in the higher purposes and missions of humanity. It is hard to muster up emotions and feelings that I do not feel due to my acceptances and trusts in “what is meant to be — will be.”

This state of complete peace due to the complete trust and acceptance of “what is.” Makes me stand out and often misread, by others due to my lack of reactions. Thus, I learn to hide it behind masks of auto-templated mimic reactions and responses. Masks that I have learned is to be expected and is “approved” by others from my observations…to try to “fit in” and become inconspicuous. So, it became a habit I was forced to learn to depend on, that needs to be shed.

Till this day, I still catch myself trying to “act” in certain situations according to what I learn as “acceptable/normal”. Even in my own diaries, till today I still catch myself. Using words to prompts myself into feeling a certain way or “show” others what they expect to see. For example, when I know I should be “upset” or bothered by something that happened to me in my life. I would write it as if I am feeling that way, while I feel “nothing”…but absolute peace.

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Why would I do that? Because since I was young, I realize my lack of reactions causes me to stand out. It causes me to be misunderstood as “cold,” “unapproachable,” and unfriendly. From there it branches out to whatever people want to project, blame, accuse, label, or bypass in themselves. Because it is easier to accuse and lash out at someone who does not know — how to defend themselves, than it is to be mindful and self-aware of our own flaws.

Because I do not know how to defend myself with words. Hence, those who act this way towards me, are left with the last words. Therefore, think themselves in the rights. Thus, not only do they continue to mindlessly do what they do to me. But taught others, to mindlessly do the same. That such action is O.K. and normal. Taught me, that it is O.K. and normal too — to continue to allow myself to be bullied.

I grew up in a world foreign to me, surrounded by people who picked up on my vulnerabilities. Being ignorant and lost, being vulnerable and outnumbered, and taught that I was the problem and not the people who treated me in such a way. My only defend mechanism is to try to give them what they want. So, I did. I acted as how they choose to perceive me to be. If they want reactions, emotions, and words. Then I will give them what they want. If it would give them comfort to think they know me. Or if it would stop their attacks or rejections, due to their fear of my differences. Then, I will give them what they ask…while I figure myself out.

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I have been giving people what they want and been acting according to how they choose to perceive me for so long. That I forgot myself. Only until recently have I realize how much I miss being me. Miss being someone who knows she is completely love. Someone who is strong enough to have no wants and can accepts what is — as it is. Without the desire to want to manifest, to want to bypass, or change things according to what I choose because of fear. Therefore, must change or distort what is meant to be and needed to be.

Fear decides our wants and our desire. Our wants and our desires, makes us vulnerable to the ego and what it is taught. Thus, how it chooses to perceive and see itself and its life lessons. It does this, to help itself feel in “control.” Control over something it does not understand, is afraid of, uncomfortable about, or cannot yet accept. Therefore, as a “spiritual” being who understands the origin of where the birth of humanity’s traits and attributes come from. I do not let it distort my perspectives. I do not let fear rule me. Therefore, it cannot dictate my ego. Hence, cannot distort my perception and acceptance of things that are meant to be, or not meant to be.

Herein is the reason why most time, I do not react and feel at peace with the events of the world. It is call higher wisdom. Higher acceptance. Some people might call it “enlightenment” or a state of “zen.” I learned recently that there is a term call “disassociation”…and yes, it does apply to me sometimes. But the difference between, complete peace from full acceptance and trust in something — and “disassociation.” Disassociation is used to bypass, avoid, and “run” or “hide” from what is there in front of us. Disassociation is used because we are afraid of and does not want to face, or deal with what is triggering us.

While higher wisdom, higher acceptance, or the state of “zen”. Is complete peaceful…harmonization of trust and acceptance of what is. Flowing naturally with the currents instead of fighting against it. Without fear, there is no need for wants. Therefore, no needs to dream, hope, and fantasize about “better.” Because when we appreciate this moment — as is. There is no expectations and attachments that direct how we experience what we feel. That causes us to biasedly identify with “keys” symbols from old templates that was taught to us. Or factors that causes us to be “disharmonized” (or upset) due to our ego’s sense of entitlements to whatever it wants to identify with.

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I am not sure if I have described this state of “zen” in words correctly. So maybe another example. Growing up, I was shown how powerful I can be. Through my abilities and the events of my life, source, and my teams made sure I know my potential. Know what I am capable of. As I started to remember who I am, I was shown by source what I can do.

It scares me to think anyone…is capable of the things I was shown. I still do not fully know who I am, but it does not matter who I might be. Being inside a human avatar, growing up in this realm. Being surrounded by its citizen and seeing firsthand what humanity is capable of. Being dictated sometimes by my avatar’s attributes and natural traits. I understand now, why I had to be disciplined so harshly.

Had to be governed by source…and my higher teams — with such an iron grip. It is so, that I do not forget who I am. Forget to ground. Forget that I am not just here to live mindlessly and purposelessly. Forget that no matter what my ego chooses to think, choose to believe it knows, and want to believe. There will always be a source more powerful than it. A source that governs this realm and all within it. So, I hope I can be an example to help those who let their ego dictates them. Those who think themselves above the “Gods.”

If you read my whole story, then by now you know how thorough I am. How determine and fearless my harsh life has made me. How careful, how mindful, and how self-aware I have become. Because of my lessons and experiences. With my abilities I can plan things down to the seconds. But source stepped in to show me that I can be as meticulous and thorough as I want. But when it is not meant to happen, all my planning and prepping is useless. For even with all my extraordinary abilities…some things are not mine to decide. Mine to change and tamper with.

I have learned by now to know my place. When you are given the privilege to experience events such as, the bending of time and space. Of having the fabric of realities…rip and put back together before your eyes. You become humbled by it…to willingly surrender your ego. For only an ignorant fool would allow its ego to become stupid enough…to forget its place in the greater design. To think it has power and control — over things it does not understand. To think it can hide and escape from the ruling presences of that kind of power.

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Therefore, lies the difference between my state of peace or “zen” and “disassociation.” The most “real” or “home-hitting” lessons that my life has taught me is — to know my place. I was shown what I can do and how powerful I can be. Only to have it all taken away repeatedly…to clarify where my place is — and is not. Therefore, my state of peace, comes from a place of acceptance — Of respect.

I am not trying to be more than I am. Not trying to prove anything to anyone. Not trying to overstep my position and boundaries — because I understand and hold the wisdom of that understanding with higher acceptance. There is a difference between wisely accepting your place and “settling.” Settling comes from a place of oppression. A show of being willing to give into your own weaknesses. A willingness by one-self to surrender — your power over a situation, to trade or get what you think you want.

Whereas acceptance comes from a place of complete power. Of knowing how to respect that power — respect yourself and know your boundaries. Again and again, I was shown what I am capable of. How powerful I am. To help me stay strong and resilience. But again and again, I was also shown my place. To know when to respect what is beyond my ability to interfere in. Because of those lessons, I learn the wisdoms of accepting what need to be accepted. Of not allowing my ego to distort what is there…and be seduced to identify with factors that causes me to fight pointless superficial battles.

Nor try to manipulate and manifest outcomes, that has consequences down a road I cannot see. For that will only delay, not stop what is to be. Lessons that are meant to be learn, will be taught. So, accept it. Therein also lies the reasons for why I am not able to “react” as people expected — as they would do in certain situation.

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When you get hurt, you cry. You get mad, you get upset. You want to fight back or lash out. You get taken over by your emotions and rage, because you feel your rights and entitlements are being threatened. Because you were taught and learn — to identify and be attached to those sense of superficial rights and entitlements. Therefore, you get triggered out of harmonization and balance. Due to your ego’s distorted sense of power, and its panic over the possibilities of losing it.

When I get hurt, I do not cry. Because I learned from my experiences that crying is not going to solve my problems. No one is going to spoil me, by being there to solve my problems for me. So, wasting my energy on it is only going to slow my recovery. Struggling against what-is — is pointless. I have fought that epic war — many times to learn my place within the greater design.

I also know and see the events of my life as higher lessons I need. Therefore, instead of “disassociating” myself from my situation. Instead of taking the easy way out or running from it…by distorting it into something “nicer.” By putting on “rose-colored” glasses or “paint-over” what triggers me — what scares me and weaken me. I dive into the lessons and stand my grounds.

To experience what the events is trying to teach me. To let it break me down and tear me apart — and weakened me. So, that I can understand that weakness and heal it. Then, turn it into customized power that is mine. That harmonize with me. Thus, allow me to hold its strength and direct it. To use it as higher acceptance and wisdoms I can use to learn my next lessons. To be all I am here to be. To do all that I am here to do. To go home stronger and more evolved than I was coming into this life.