ASR: B14: Chapter 7: Where There Is Light. There Shall Be Shadows.
Everything in life will pass. Is meant to pass. If you learn the lessons it is trying to teach you, then it will pass faster. When I was younger, I had to learn early the art of emotional disciplines. Because unlike other people. I do not get spoiled even more, when I give into my tantrums. I do not get what I want. Instead, things get worst and worst in every direction for me. Until I learn to calm myself down — And become more mindful and aware, of my lessons and what they are trying to teach me.
At first, I thought I was imagining the powerful energy that cocoon my presence. That causes unusual things to happen whenever I get “emotional”. As usual I started to notice the patterns. But tell myself it was only my imagination. Until it was pointed out in my “dreams.” Then, in non-subtle ways by source, in the many extraordinary events of my life. What the consequences are — If I were to continue to be mindless and unaware of my own power.
Lots of people crave and dream of having power. Of holding powers, thinking it will make them stronger. Most do not realize that to hold power — you must be stronger than the power you hold. Or it will burn and possess you. Corrupt you. Disintegrate your very soul with its strength. Therefore, do not be greedy and quick to desire what you are taught by those who are ignorance to its true strength and corrupted by it — to lose yourself.
Do you know what it is like to be unable and forbidden to have any form of intense emotions, or attachment to anyone or anything? Because, from past experiences. You learn to fear the severe consequences of what it will do to you — or those in your life. The guilt of knowing whatever the consequences may be — it is a direct result of your lack of discipline.
Can you imagine what it is like to live your life being afraid of the very thought inside your head? Especially, as a child? To feel constantly worried about a random thought you cannot control. Or random phrases that come from your mouth. To other people the ability to think a thought…is taken for granted each second that it comes and go. The true freedom of ignorant — is in never realizing each thought that you send out into the world has an effect. It has consequences that you do not know of.
A random phrase or thought, is no reason to be of concern and no big deal for most people. The privilege and freedom of being able to ignore and disregard the liability and responsibility of this fact — Is a luxury. One that most people do not even think twice about — Because when you are ignorant of the higher truth. You do not have to face the guilt of knowing your actions resulted in consequences that others must pay for.
The burden of my abilities makes those consequences even harder to ignore. When a random thought can “cause” lives and turn world’s event. You do not get to ignore and forget that you are responsible for letting it slip through your mind — or out of your mouth. You do not get to pretend ignorant when you are a direct link. In the chains that holds something together or set it free — to rampage.
Side Note: My abilities are something that I think I was born with. For as long as I can remember (since I was one or two years old) it is something that is a natural part of me. I am aware of it by instincts and use it by instincts. Therefore, was never aware that it is not common. When I was younger, I use them naturally without any inhibitors. If I feel danger, I will warn you. If I “see” something about to go wrong, I will speak it out loud — before I even realize I was doing it.
Things I say or thoughts that “pop” into my heads would “come true”. Therefore, when peers start to accuse me of being the one to “jinx” something. Or “making it” happen, by “calling it to be”. I learn to be afraid of the words coming out of my mouths or thoughts inside my head. I started to be more mindful and aware of such abilities — start to fear my abilities and begin to put inhibitors on them.
Not knowing I was not “calling it to be”. But trying to prevent it or intervene — before a more severe warning is to take place. I am the “gentle” reminder. Bringing lights to matters that needs to be address and fix…now. Trying to stop someone from stepping on an obvious landmine they cannot see. Before it explodes or before greater forces steps in, to bring in the storms. To force awareness and mindfulness to the lessons and consequences of that choice we choose to ignore.
To know it all is a burden, but what is worst. To know it all and to want it all. To have the power to reach out and take it all, but unable to do so — is ironic and so bittersweet. Bittersweet because you do not want to give up the wonderful surprises you know is ahead. Yet, it conflicts with what you desire now. Until you understand what you are taught to want…is not what you really need and accept it wholly. You will only taste the bitterness.
For a short while, that was all I was able to taste. Because of what I forgot and what I was taught in place of those memories. My life is not what my physical avatar wants or know it should be. But it is what my lost soul needs to remember itself. Hence, my lessons. Hence, why the different stages of spiritual awakening. You would not know how to differentiate what is delicious…if you have not tasted what is not, right?
For someone who came into this life to fulfill a higher calling and purpose. I must know both, so that I can understand it. So that I have examples I can use to pass this understanding onto those who seek to learn with me, after I step into my role. I hope my explanation helps you grasp what I am trying to say. Hope you understand that the recordings of my hardships…articulated through direct examples from my experiences are not complaints, blames, or bitter resentments. But lessons I am passing onto you — as your path leads you to me.
At the beginning of my journey to acceptance, reflecting upon my life. For a while I felt like all my life, I grew up in a tightly sealed box. A box with nothing but a single hole in one wall to allow light and fresh air in. As I grew the box is becoming too tight and I am running out of air. I have prayed, begged, and wished for someone to come to my rescue, but no one came. So, the only option left is hope, while I wait, for the air to run out.
Can you imagine how it feels to grow up staring out at that one tiny hole, on the wall of that tiny box, that is your prison. That hole held all your wishes and dreams because it is your only companion. It is your only window to existence. It allows you to hear the voices of others on the other side and feel their presence. The world beyond the darkness of that box is real because the hole allowed you to see light and shadows coming from it.
What is more important, is that it allowed you to see yourself and know that you are real. The entity that exists beyond your box. Have moved the box around a few times, causing your world to be shaken. Every time the box moved you know it means your existent is as tangible to them, as you are to you. It also means that though you cannot see them, they are as real as you are.
Because of this knowledge, you did not want to give up. Because you know deep, deep down within your soul — that eventually someone will open the box and let you out. But as you grew, the box is getting too tight, to leave much room for the light to enter. You tried to shift around to make room for the light. But you are getting too big for the box to hold both you and your only window to the world beyond. Eventually the hole is covered up and the light is blocked, and you wait alone in the darkness. You have waited so long, yet no one came. Soon the light and the window to your world became a distant memory, too far to hang on to. So, you give up on it…as I did.
I have accepted my fate when suddenly, the box is burst open because I grew too big for it. I am now thrown out to the world beyond. The sights and sounds are confusing, and overwhelming. For far too long I was locked in that box, with nothing else but the very minimal. It was very hard to accept the thought of freedom. Everything is new and unknown to me. Thus, scary, and yet so very exciting at the same time. In the world within the box that I have come to accept, I knew what to expect. It was a horrible prison, but it grew into familiar comfort. Now, the box is gone. Suddenly I am aware of my vulnerabilities and therefore, became afraid. Afraid, because there is so much, I did not know.
Can anyone imagine and truly understand the devastation? The stunned confusion and chaos that overwhelmed me. When the box burst open to the reality that I have grown to accept is lost to me. I did not know how to believe in my “reality”. I accept it, I trust that it is real. But for some reason, I cannot believe in it. So, I fought it passionately because I do not want to hope again. I have had my hopes and dreams crushed once too many times within that darkness…to willingly give up the comforts I have finally learned to embrace.
For too long I have been trapped within the confined box label “Life.” Living only on the hopes that one day I would find myself again. One day, I would be set free again. Can stretch from the confinements that held me cramped and locked within myself. Locked for so long, that I have given up on the thought of being rescued. I was not sure anymore that I wanted to be rescued. I am finally comfortable.
But life is not about what we want. It is about what we need, and what is given to us. It is about adapting and learning to be wise enough to recognize and appreciate a gift…when it is given to us. From my time in the box, I learned to be a hardcore skeptic because I know how much it hurts to live on hope and faith alone. From my time outside the box, I learned how precious life is to be living it wasted on illusions, when the truth is so much more amazing.
Even though I have LIVED through all the impossible events in my life. The sudden confirmations and truths were hard to believe in. I learned to be petrified of the pain that associates with every dashed hope. Because for too many years I was forced to live on nothing but hope and knowings. Thus, when I was flooded by miraculous answers. I did not know how to react nor process the experiences. I keep asking myself: “Is this for real? Or am I just imagining it again because I wanted it — so much?”
Till today, I still ask myself that question from time to time. It is hard to believe that suddenly everything that does not make sense before…makes perfect sense now. I went from one extreme to the other and back again. From hoping and wanting to believing in almost anything — to not believing because I recognize illusions from truth.
“God” was my last hope in hanging onto the illusion that I had hoped would help me “connect,” to the people I love. I spend most of my life with “God” as my companion, until I lost “Him” with a few minutes of hate. Hate, due to the things that I was taught along the road to spiritual freedom.
For a long time, I based my hopes and dream upon what I am taught as: “truth/real”, “rational”, “practical”, and “logical”, by the people in my world. Even when I know it is not. I fought to believe in it because I did not know any better. I fought for every “truth” I am taught, against the natural truth of the universe, that I am made aware of by the higher power. Even when I lost every battle. I loyally fought because I wanted so much to be a part of the world where everyone I know, and love belong to. I hang onto “God” as a desperate hope to belong. To have something in common with those I love.
I was taught “He” can do miracles, but for me “He” could not. I depend upon what I am taught, by others about “Him”. To keep me grounded to the world I so desperately wanted to belong. Repeatedly, “He” came short of the promises “He” represents. What kind of life did “He” expected me to have…giving me “gifts” that I cannot use? Gifts that work “against” my progress towards life’s “success”? Does “He” know how painful it is — to have to witness someone self-destruct? Knowing — that they will not only shatter their life, but yours and so many others as well? Knowing that everything you love, hold dear, and fight so hard to protect — Will be shattered by a single decision someone else…mindlessly decide to make?
Can you imagine having to live everyday walking on a path made of eggshells? Trying to minimize. Instead, of adding more damages to the path that someone else has left — In their careless march toward self-fulfillment? Every day you live with the knowledge that those eggshells will break, because yours is not the only weight upon those shells. Because outside yourself…you are render helpless by the choices of other’s actions. Yet, the knowledge of what you know weigh you down with guilt. Because innocents are the ones to pay the consequences.
To live with powerful abilities, is to live with the guilt of the knowledge that you are helpless. Helpless to make a difference in a world where mindfulness and awareness…is a choice given to people who do not care about the consequences of their decisions or actions. The guilt of being unable to explain and help them understand — and appreciate the gifts and privileges of what is given them.
Because they cannot yet grasp what they are not ready to accept. So, even when you have tried your best. You are still forced to watch them continuously take the wrong path again and again. The helplessness of having to watch those you love suffered and suffering alongside them. Even though you were given the power to stop it…before it should even begin. But you are prevented from being heard and understood by others purposely.
What is the point of being given the power to see the future, if you got your voice taken away so you cannot tell it to anyone? Powerful “gifts,” yet powerless. Those “gifts” are a nightmare to someone who cares and is a do-er like myself. It is like you are being locked within a clear bubble. Being forced to watch while those you love are being tortured before your very eyes — and there is not a thing you can do about it. They are within your reach, but you cannot reach them.
“God” in one form or another, is the big connection between the people of this realm to each other. A big part of the lives of almost everyone in this physical realm that I know and love. So, letting “God” go. When I was so desperately trying to hang onto “Him” to stay connected. Connected to my tangibles dreams and the people I love — was very hard. Even knowing the higher truth about “God.” I continuously deny my abilities and the higher power to believe in the “truth” I was taught.
Denial of the natural truth I know became a habit that is hard to break. Even long after I started down the path of acceptance. When I can no longer ignore or deny what is glaringly evident of a greater — more natural truth. Self-doubts became second nature to someone who have lived her life seeing the world through many different sets of perspectives. Thus, acceptances did not come by easy. Because there are too many illusions to clarify. The history of human existence is paved with too many speculated perspectives. Too many misleading hypotheses and too many idealistic concepts, and not enough truth.
The answer I want is not another educated guess. Not another speculation nor another ideal concept. I want The truth and nothing but. Knowing what I know now, things have become easier. Less complicated than it used to be when I was lost in the dark with no guiding light. Now that there is a light though, I must adapt and take a different kind of precaution. Having a light is great in this darken road. But it has its disadvantages — Because now, the light has allowed the darkness to play tricks within the shadow.