ASR: B2: Chapter 2: Difference between being loved and being spoil

CHAPTER 2: Difference between being loved and being spoil

By our very morality we are vulnerable. That vulnerability takes many shapes and forms of fears that hinder, drives, and inspires our many actions, reactions, and interaction each day.

About eight years ago, I convinced myself that the only reason I had suffered so much in my life was because “God” has a personal vendetta against me. I was hate because I was a mistake, thus, to be bully, tortured, and erased. So, I resented my abilities, my lessons, trials, and blessings. Painted my blessing as curses and threw the incredible gift of unconditional love I was given back into the faces of those who have blessed me with it.

Until…I realize: “God” does not hate me — I am just spoiled!

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It was October 2014, when I lost “God”, my last “link” to the only connection I believed I had left with my peers of this realm that made me realize what a spoil brat I was — and might still sometimes be😉. I was sick of a life of nothing but “punishments” and injustice. I wanted to lash out, so I give my frustration a name I am familiar with — In this case, “God”, and I vented and I hated for — maybe the longest, I have ever held a grudge: twenty minutes. It felt incredibly good for like two seconds after I let it out. Then because I suck! I felt the crashing guilt of my unjustified accusation and rage. Maybe it is all those lessons of being forced to stand before myself and face down my fears, maybe it is a history of growing up being so misunderstood and caring so much you are willing to overlook abuse to be accepted.

Whatever the reason may be, in the moments that follows, I came to many realizations and got many answers to life’s questions. The biggest one is that “God” as I was taught — is not real. At least, not the one that I was taught by anyone of this realm. The “God” that I was taught and the “God” that is my companion through life so far — is so different that at first, I cannot comprehend the magnitude of this thought. It was easy for me to accept this higher power because I have known it intimately throughout my life. What is hard for me to accept was that I feel I am alone in my knowledge.

I could not understand how millions of people in the world could see the same “God”, where I see none, and where I see one, no one can. This realization has made me feel desperate at times after that day. It seems every time I feel as if I am taking a step closer to finding that connection with those around me, I take one step forward thinking I am getting closer to the connection I desire. Only to realize, my one step forward equal 5 steps ahead of them. It hurts to have hope only to then be forced to give it up before the possibility could even be digested and you are forced to move on.

It hurts, but that day I was also humbled by the knowledge that I am love beyond word and definition — but not spoiled. As my life flashes before my eyes and during the journey down memories lane I got clarification to what we term “pure and true unconditional love”. It made me realize you cannot practice true unconditional love, if you do not understand how to lift the conditions that was taught. A child is born to love unconditionally those in its life. But as it grows; expectations and conditions are taught and attach itself to the term of love. Thus, until we realize those expectations and conditions are limits, we choose to adapt to, and that it is not concrete laws that we must live by — we would not be able to lift its restrictions upon us. Thus, we will not be able to experience, recognize, and appreciate what those terms truly means.

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For years I agonize over my inability to “shut off” my heart. There are times I wish I could rip it from my chest and crush it to nothing — not even dust; to free myself from the person I am. Times where I blame and resented my spiritual guardians and protectors for loving me so completely that no matter what the physical realm taught me — I could not forget that I am the result of pure and ultimate love. It is agonizing to me because knowing this love exist and being blessed with it; sets me apart from all those around me. It made me strong and confidence in the faces of adversities and obstacles standing in the way of what I am here to do, but it is also one of the main reason why I have suffered so much.

I did not understand the value of this gift because up until that day; I was too spoiled to recognize its value. I was taught that I “deserve” better, thus, blinded me to see only that my guardians are strict, heartless, and cruel. Until I saw my life flashing before my eyes that day; I did not comprehend how much it must hurt to love someone enough to endure their hate to do what is right by them. It is easy to give someone what they want for them to like you; but it is hard to give them what they need — to love them.

In a world where conditions and expectations are a constructed fundamental structure deeply engraved. In a world built upon conditions and expectations, for unconditional love to exist beyond the earlier years of childhood is — exceedingly rare. In a world taught selfishness and greed through trauma of existence to survive. In a world where valuable lessons, trails, and tests are taught to be misperceived as punishments — true unconditional love is a horrifying gift.

At least…until you understand your lessons, pass the trials, and A’s the tests. Then you will understand, and you will realize why this gift of life is so sacred to the soul’s journey to ascension. If this gift of love is so easy to accept and understand; “life” is no longer a necessity. Suffering will stop because we would all have understood the reason why we are here. We would all have ascended beyond the trials and lessons we would need to learn here.

Realizing the difference between being loved and being spoiled and understanding what unconditional love means. That day the higher power that was my companions through life, highlighted for me the difference between “man’s God” and itself. It shows me in flashing moments of universal clarifications through lessons I have personally been taught by it — “God” is not whom I was taught “God” to be. I was taught I have nothing to fear, and yet everything to be afraid of. I was amazed and humbled by the knowledge I was given.

Of course, at times, I still would like to believe that our creator hated me. Thus, that is why I was putted here, why I was forced to suffer, why I was put into intangible positions to constantly make choices that I have sometimes little control over. Though, I would very much like to believe that — because it would just be so much easier to do so. To bypass the hard wisdom, I was being taught by The source — than to make any effort to learn and understand its harsh lessons.

Easier to return “hate” with hate or disrespects, then to know you are just an ungrateful spoiled brat. Someone who does not yet know how completely she is love; nor how to wisely respond and accept that blessing. True complete and unconditional love is at first beyond my mortal comprehension to understand nor accept. Because everything I have read about it; everything I have physically experienced. Everything I have witnessed, and every tangible form of the terms that I have encountered in this realm — comes short of the blessing I was privileged to.

I admit, I have made many mistakes getting to this point in my life and cannot guarantee I would not have a repeat here and there as I get overwhelmed. But now humbled by the blessings I was given, I will try harder to make less mistakes. Or become wise enough to at least avoid making the same mistakes repeatedly. Since making mistake is an unavoidable fact of life. It is a tool that is used to help me grow. Let me take you on a journey into my life. The life of someone born into something she does not understand….until now.