ASR: B6: Chapter 1: If I Cannot Save The World From Its’ Problems, I Shall Not Add To It.
Higher wisdom taught me to acknowledged and respect the facts that “reality”; unlike what is assumed and taught to me, does not have a clear-cut defining line. All realities have blurred, bleeding edges that interconnect to each other depending on who you are to the source of greater existence. To understand the true “reality” of our existence we need to pull away all the filters, layers of “clutters,” and distractions created by perspectives and believes to find that interconnection that binds us together on this journey.
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If you can imagine what it is like to lose all your memories up to this point in your life and woke up relocated to another part of the world; where you do not understand a thing everyone around, you say or do. You might get some insight to what it is like to live my life. Since childhood because I have seen so much. I learned to accept the fears factors of life as a constant denominator. I learned to adapt and respect it for its purpose in challenging me, thus I outgrew it quickly.
But one fear I could not outgrow until the puzzles started falling into place is the fear that if I do not hold onto “normalcy” or this “reality” tightly, I would lose who I am. When you have lost all your memories and the only ones you know, are the ones you just build. You hang onto it with a death grip; because you fear by letting go, you will lose yourself again.
I know that accepting the “gentle” persuasion from my spiritual guardians to accept what I know; would have been easier. But being lost in between timelines and worlds, I grew up in a state of constant surrealism. Things I know to be ‘real’ are not ‘real’ to others, and things they taught me are ‘real’ — are illusions I can see right through. Things I know is “right” became “wrong” and vice versa. It is hard to balance. As soon as I found something to hold onto — it turns into smokes and slips through my grasp. Thus, I am left always feeling confused, disoriented, lost, isolated, and alienated by those within my reach.
I observe, I mimic, and I impersonate those around me in hope that one day I will “fit in”. I believed that if I were like everyone else; I would lose this feeling of “homesickness”; “homelessness”, and not belonging. Thus, I live in hope of being able to do half of what other people are capable doing so effortlessly. Because I struggled so much just to do some of the things people take for granted each day — Yet, still fail time after time.
I understand the values of what is given to those around me; and to want to protect it. Even if I am not allowed to experience it for myself. I am still willing to do what I can to protect and preserve it for those who can experience it. Hence, upon my realization that my gifts and abilities are real, and yet not knowing who I am. Why I have them? Or what my experiences are meant for.
All my life I am taught to see from other people’s perspective of me. Habitually, due to my “spiritual amnesia” I do not know how to see myself otherwise. From the reactions and actions of others I learn to be afraid of myself. Because of what I am taught by those who does not understand someone who is so different from them. I am taught to see myself as someone unworthy. Someone who should not be having my abilities and gifts because she is not worthy nor “wise” enough to be blessed in such a manner.
From what I am taught, for a time I even thought I might be a child of the “dark”. For I am taught that the child of the “light” can do no wrong. That it is meant to be born “perfect” and blessed with all the good things that life can offer. That it is meant to be born “discovered” and taught by “important” people what it needs to learn and told its special place in the world. It cannot be as confused, lost and “messed” up as I am. Nor should it be hated and feared by those closest to it.
Thus, I am afraid to allow myself to accept anything I am shown at first by the higher power though my gifts. Because I am taught that if I am not born as a child of the “light” than it leaves me to believe that I am born to be the child of “dark”. I am taught that a child of the “dark” should not have the kind of gifts and abilities I have. Because it will only bring pain into the world.
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Ever since the first time I have been introduced to the pain and suffering of this world, it has always been my naïve wish to lift it. There is nothing I wanted more. But as I grew, hardship after hardship — solidified what I am physically taught by others to believe about myself. Because lifting suffering is my only soul wish since I am a child.
The concept that arises from the glimpses of the future I saw, and all the pain and suffering that comes with it. Leads me to begin to resent my gifts and abilities and what it shows me. Because accepting the truth of what I am shown, means accepting the knowledge and truth of what I know will come to be. Rationally, I believe that if I cannot save the world from its’ problems. I should not add to it.
Hence, I started to bypass knowledge about my gifts and abilities — and even from getting to know my true self. In my ignorance I believe I have no rights to take away the illusions that allows people to dream and hope. Thus, I did not want to write this book. For a time, I am so afraid of the damage I will cause with the knowledge I hold and must share.
Because I grew upon misguided teaching; I know how much damage misguided knowledge can do to someone. Thus, it terrifies me to think that if I am not careful; the information in this book can be used for more corruptions. Then, instead of helping as I am supposed to do, I am causing more damage. It is this fear that makes writing this book the most excruciating challenge.
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Over the course of writing this book, I often asked myself who am I to rip away people’s illusions? When sometimes I know it is all some people have to hold onto when life is an overwhelming ocean of trials and darkness. My knowledge and wisdom are viewed by me as a curse to my humanity. Because I have personally experienced first-hand the damage it can do. I have tasted the darkness of where I would be now, had I not survived the journey and trials I had to face to earn the right to accept it.
Not everyone is as self-aware and blessed as I am to know what I know. What of them? What happens when what I say is misperceived because I cannot explain my point correctly? I am aware of my communication weaknesses. So I keep asking myself those questions. But today, I have my answer. I am the answer that I am seeking. I did not want to be the causes of lost hope and did not want to be burden with the responsibility of being the one to share the knowledge and wisdom of the higher realm. But my higher destiny is larger than my mundane desire to be selfish by hanging onto my self-taught fears.
Because of my insights and personal experiences, this book is not written with the intention to teach, to be a guideline, to be directive or instructive to those who choose to read it. Its only intention is to share: A single soul’s journey to what possibilities lies beyond the surface illusions of what this reality means. And…maybe, the continued journey beyond its evitable end. I am giving forward and doing what Source and my guardians have been doing for me my whole life: giving people another option.
By forcing me to look the other way instead of just allowing me to blindly follow those before me as I wanted to. My guardians made sure I realize natural truth from illusions so that the path before me is open, clear, and not draped in manipulative shadows and fears. They made sure that I am heading in the direction that I needed to go for my sake; and not because I was manipulated into the choices I make — Thus, resulting in my inability to move forward toward my journey home.
By forcing me to look beyond what I want to see, and shining a light upon my path to guide me — they made sure I have no excuses to justify my actions when I choose to make them. So, I am forced to own and learn from my experiences to move forward instead of ignoring them and allowing it to hold me back. I am taught every soul is equally valued, thus, every soul is given the same potential to ascends. Whether we ascend or not, lies in how well we understand our lessons. In how we use that understanding to make the choice we choose to make and the actions we choose to show it by.
