ASR: B8: Chapter 1: Destined To BE “Spiritual”
Funny how things in life that makes no sense and seem to have no place; reveals itself to be so sensible as it falls so easily into its places with time and wisdom.
Like the different stages of life, we all feel what we feel, but once we experienced what we needed to grow out of the stage we are at. We look back and sometimes cannot believe the things we have once done. Or that we were once this person who is so different to the one, we are now. I am not arrogant and due to the way; my lessons were taught to me. I did not have the confident I did now to believe I am any more than a mistake — at best. Despite how I felt or what I went through, I thought it is just a phase I am going through — or at least I hope it was.
While growing up, I am taught through many experiences that being different is not “acceptable” because “different” means, “you’re crazy”, “you’re a weirdo”, or “there’s something wrong with you.” So, I tried hard to hide who I am, and even harder still to be “normal”. I did not understand why I often feel as if I am the product of two souls, or one that is split into two.
To make things more complicated — Unexplainable experiences make me suspect that those two parts, exist in two totally different realms from each other. Growing up, it is hard enough trying to find yourself and your place upon this one reality. Can you imagine how much harder it is to feel like you are two beings, from two different and clashing worlds. Currently, co-existing in one physical body?
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Until about 11 years ago I did not understand why my life is designed that way. It terrifies me that I felt this way, so I pretended my gifts is nothing but the product of a vivid imagination. Until the term “synchronicity” came into my vocabulary about 11 years ago. I live a life ridden with outrageous sequences of unexplainable “Coincidences” that makes no sense. Though my self-concluded theories, are based on repetitive conclusions, derived from actual experiences and events that have repeatedly happened to me.
Being taught that I should not be any different than anyone else; and being told repeatedly that I am “wrong” or “delusional” and “weird” in the way I approach life. With many attempts of seeking for support, understanding, and sometimes just to be listened to — Have resulted in nothing but laughs, strange stares of disbelief, condescending reactions, and comment as such: “it sounds like something out of a book or movie,” or “someone’s imagination.” For a period I stopped seeking support and begin to seek approval. I begin to agree with people that I might have “problems” that they believe I have. So, I tried to “solve” those “problems” with different explanations that make sense to everyone else but me.
By doing so. For a while, I felt — accepted, but conflicted. As I have said before, destiny is a statement not a choice. You do not run from it, you run towards it. You cannot hide from it; every path you take will lead you back to it. Sometimes it will take some of us longer to get to where we are meant to go; because of our failures to realize our mistakes and pass our lessons along the path. But it does not change just because we will it to.
When the higher power put a lot of effort in designing our destiny. It is not something that we can just conveniently will away, because of developed fear. Thus, a random encounter I did not even know I have made — long, long ago confirms what I just recently come to accept. Not too soon after getting clarifications for the reason why my life is the way it is. I randomly overheard my dad (whom by my reactions believes I have an aversion to religion and spirituality) told someone that when I was a child.
A monk saw me from afar and randomly approached him to ask to adopt me out of four daughters. He told my dad that he sees me destined for the spiritual path. Thus, I should be raised in a spiritual setting and by spiritual people. I have not heard about this incident until recently, but it confirms what I have always known. What I have learned to fear as I grew and emerges myself within this realm — And taught how a “spiritual” person should be. Because I have always known, I feel trapped within my destiny and wants nothing to do with it.
Especially, due to all the misinformation I am fed about the role. Due to all the things, I have experienced and witnessed from the perspective of a “spiritual” being living in a non-spiritual world. Due to my awareness, abilities, and my inabilities to remember who I am, while instinctively being who I am. I live in constant conflicts of what is taught as “true” and what I can “see” as true. I experienced beatdown after beatdown for standing up to those “taught truth” — and loss due to their overwhelming numbers. Hence, how can I be expected to embrace a role that seem to teach me nothing but pain and suffering — only to then, end tragically?
With a history of nothing but the previously mentioned negative reactions from people for being 1/10th of the person I know I am. How can I show them more of the person I know I am to be, or I am — if they cannot yet accept just a fragment of the real me. The one fragment that I gave to the people in my life: They abuse, they take advantage, and taught it to hate itself to the point that it wanted to cease to exist. So, yes!! I do not want anything to do with the person I know I will become. Can you fault me for wanting to choose an “obvious” better choice? Especially, when I am taught, everyone has “free-will”?
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I overheard that I am “destined” to be “spiritual”, but no one ever told me that I am already “spiritual”. I was taught growing up that “spirituality” is something we can one day choose to become. Not that we can already be one coming into it. Hence, because I am a “spiritual” being, coming into life — not knowing this fact, and being re-taught that I am not who I am. That I do not “deserve” to be who I actually am.
Conflicts arises at every turn due to my inability to identify myself because of “the veil of forgetfulness”. I cannot remember that I am spiritual. Yet, I have most of the abilities of my true self. I also act and react as a “spiritual” being as well. Because of this I live in constant disorientation, confusion, and conflicts between taught-truth and higher truth. Resulting in me living a life constantly having to questions my “realities” and my “sanity” while trying to figure out my place in it.
Because of this I become good at being a self-skeptic. This skill, once the most frustrating and hated ability, because it kills my confident and fills me with self-doubts — is now one of my most priceless gift. What it took from me, it gave back tenfold today because I am now confident, but not arrogant. I took pride in being who I am, but I am not conceited nor vain enough to believe I am better or above anyone else. I learned true respect and compassion for those who is going through what I have gone through; and accepted individual uniqueness, as a fact of life.
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Before anyone declare I am “crazy” or exercise your “expertness” by diagnosing me with a disorder such as having “split personality”. Because I just put the thought in your head by telling you I feel as if I am the product of two souls. Let me ask you, do you have the disorder yourself? How do you know how to tell the difference between the challenge of having a “disorder” and being bestowed with “gifts” — you do not have — nor understand?
It is like someone without an intellectual disability trying to teach someone with such disability to think like them, so they can “normalize” them. They teach based on policy and procedure they created from their perspective of how things “should be.” Also, from the speculations of what they think is how those with disability might be capable of. Instead of from the real perspective of someone who has the disability. Thus, how can they utterly understand the barriers that stood in the way of what they are trying to achieve? How can the scales they created to measure their failure or success from be accurate?
Like the example I just gave; what rights do we have to slap a label on a condition and say we understands — the real obstacles and barriers that stood in the way of those that are different from us trying to fit in? If we say our “rights” come from our “expertness” and degree. Then we need to re-evaluate our perspective and perception.
Because where we get our degree, where we set up our practice and lab study. Represent a RIDICULOUSLY small part of the world’s REAL populations. Do we think that small sample size of a 100 or 1000 or 2000 — willing (or is enticed by the incentives of monetary reimbursements) participations can represent billions? Be realistic! Until we can look pass the ego sitting proudly in front of our noses to truly see and respect others. We will never truly understand what we see.
Because we have already been templated and programmed to think we know what we are taught is “true”. We will probably not understand or even try to understand what it would be like for someone who is so different from us — and is outside of our scoop of knowledge. Hence, it might be hard for us to relate and grasp the idea that something this extraordinary could be a possibility.
I understand. I am living it, and I have a hard time believing in my position. All my life I have experiences this higher truth. Yet it still took me 10 years — to accept, to believe, and to embrace this truth when it was clarified. Hence, the delay in coming into myself. So, I do not expect others to easily accept it. But what is true will be true, no matter how we choose to perceive it.
Please know, I am not asking you to accept, nor understand how hard it is for me. I am simply sharing my experiences for those who needs it. So, I intend no offends and will take no criticism. I am simply doing what I here to do.
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Since that faithful day when time stopped when I was two. A part of me is the young child of life. I have all the naiveté and vitality of youth. All the basic human traits: ego, greed, big ambitious, drives, and hunger for knowledge and the competitive challenge of reaching goal of grandeur. While the other part is ancient; bestowed with the acceptance and wisdom of one who have lived it all — Done it all; and is retired into the comfort of “enlightenment”.
One who have wants for nothing and needs for nothing: emotionally, physically, mentally, or otherwise. Growing up between those two extremes feels like you are two ingredients in a blender. As the great forces break down the two ingredients into different forms to blend and combine to become something new.
Too young to be wise and too old to be so child-like and ignorant. Thus, conflicts, confusion, and chaos are a constant overwhelming stable in all aspects and facets of my life. Being in a constant stage of surrealism and disorientation is like being stuck and lost in an endless maze. With its knowledge and wisdom, the ancient part of me knows what the final destination would be. So, it allows itself to patiently flow with the currents in waits for it to happen. It is confident, calm, and collected — secure.
But the other part is freaking out due to its impatient, fear of the unknown, lack of full knowledge, wisdom, and maturity. Being unaware and clueless of what to expect; while being taught; being tested; being pushed and pressured on all sides. It felt unstable and off balanced. It is lost. I am lost in between those two worlds that makes me who I am.
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Growing up between the two extremes, make me feel like I am an amnesic alien, who is suddenly dropped into ground zero in the middle of a foreign war(s) while the battles are ragging. I have no knowledge of why the battles are being fought, no knowledge and unfamiliar with either side to pick a side to fight with. I am an innocent bystander, but in the heat of the battles any foreigner is the enemy. The enemy is to be attacked and taken down.
In all the confusion and chaos; no one care and no one knows I am an innocent suddenly appearing before them. Thus, they attack, and I defend and fought back. For a while, I forgot to think of the reason why I am fighting. All I know is to fight if I want to survive. I have no sides, no friends, no allies, and no enemy but I am fighting. Fighting not for glory, beliefs, or perspectives. Nor for any cause. I fight merely for the right to be alive, so I can figure out what happened to me. Why I am here so suddenly in this war. Why this war even existed is the answer that kept me inspired to continue each day.
It is near my maximum endurance that I realize why. The war has gone on too long. It came to a climax in 2013. For the first time in my life, of all the devastations that I have encountered through life upon this realm, and the realm beyond it. Of all the ugliness I see left in the path of this destructive war. I finally figured out the reason why I am thrown into the middle of this war: Peace. Balance. Growth. Understanding. Clarification.
Being drop into the middle of this chaos with no memories of why I am sent, no purpose to serve, (that I know of) and no times to be influenced by a side to pick to fight with. I fought until I am exhausted. Until I could see the pointlessness of all the deaths, pains and suffering in this chaos that suddenly became my world. As lives are loss and the war slow as both sides weakened into extinctions. Standing alone upon this battlefield; where everyone still alive is down and fighting themselves to continue to breathe another breath. To be alive another second, I finally realize why I am here.
I am here to UNDERSTAND. To help others understands. To clarify. To end the “spiritual” war between the soul and its material form. To stops others from starting. To bring balance with knowledge and peace to armies of both sides. The only way to truly understands is submerged into each side impartially, unbiasedly, and fight alongside its armies to learn their perspectives and believes. To understand their true reasons for the cause of the war. For a war can only happen, if both sides feel justified to fight for their respective perspectives and chosen believes.
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In this material world, on this plain of existence, people are taught to base their lives on perspectives and believes. Because they do not understand the true reason for their existence in this realm. Nor remember why their higher-self created its material forms to be the way it is. Thus, they fight “defining” wars. In such wars, the “winners” go down in history taking the titles of “heroes” while the “loser” gets the title of “villains”. The winner lives and speak, the loser dies or is silenced. The winners are then “right” and the loser are then “wrong” in their perspective and believes. Thus, borne the divider, the hierarchy of societies.
As Darwin say, “survival of the fittest”. That is the surface assumption of the purpose of life that we have adopted. That we have embraced due to life’s vulnerabilities. Due to our struggle to survive our ourselves and our environment. But it is not the higher purpose of why it exists. If surviving is truly the purpose of life, there would not be an expiration attached to the creation of it. Nor will there be so many factors that can end it so easily.
Think about it. If surviving and achieving and accumulating materials “stuff” are what we are truly here for. Why are there so many people who literally have “everything”, still feel empty and cannot be happy with themselves or their life? Yet, others who have almost “nothing”. Yet seemed so super happy and fulfilled? Why does life keep throwing lessons at us if we are not meant to do anything about it?
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We are all destined to be “Spiritual” once again when life ends. Death exists as a companion to Life, not as its enemy. Without death we would not understand how to cherish our time here. This realm and this world is created so the eternal soul can come here to be challenged, to fantasize, to dream, to create, to experience, and to learn the things it has only thought about in its eternal home. Hence, if you live your life to your fullest abilities. Treat others as you would like to be treated, with mindfulness and thoughtfulness. You will have no regrets to hold you back when it is time for you to go home.
What is “spirituality” but a word. Do not live your life as if death is your enemy. I have known so many people as they start to age, they begin to migrate to “spirituality” as if it is a haven for the next part of their journey. They started avoiding, bypassing the many miracles of life. Living life as if they have already died instead of cherishing and savoring each moment they still have left. So afraid of dying that they are obsessed with being “healthy” or “spiritual” to the point that it became unhealthy.
I am not saying to overindulge, I am saying: Discipline yourself to enjoy everything that you are still lucky enough to savor — in moderation. With mindfulness and wisdom. Do not isolate yourself form life while you still can enjoy its privilege. Because “death” can be eternal, but life will always be just a moment.
