ASR: B8: Chapter 7: I Will Be What You Need Me To Be — To Prevent Your “Tragedies”

Growing up most people I love do not realize, without their taught definition of “love”. Without my higher desire and our “bonds” because of what I am taught in my ignorance state, due to the “veil of forgetfulness.” As a “spiritual/energy” being, I can walk alone upon a path no one can. I am bounded to all, yet none. Thus, I do not need to stick around to endure abuse to love, care, support and help those within my life. I do not have to endure. Do not have to understand. Do not have to care.

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I understand why it is easier to blame me, label me, call me names, belittle my efforts, and judge me. Then it is to get to know me and try to understand and accept our differences. It takes a lot of effort to care, to be mindful, and to be kind. In fast-moving systems, “time is money” right? Hence, we cannot afford to invest the time and energy. If we slow down, we might miss out. If we slow down, someone else might get ahead of us and we will be left behind. I understand.

It sucks to be left behind. I know. That kind of sucks is almost unbearable to the average person. But can you imagine what that feels like for someone who know how exciting the future is, but unable to move any faster? To not only have the knowledge, but also the ability to move faster — but unable to do so? Now, also imagine what it would be like to know exactly how “fun” life can be, but unable to join in. Forced to observe from the side.

As a bringer of change, I must experience to understands. I must be trained to know how to endure and tolerate the resistance and backlashes. To do that my life is full of lessons and hardship. I am never allowed to be “free” nor irresponsible to make thoughtless mistakes and hope for the best. Never allowed to rely on excuses to get away with what I need to learn.

Therefore, do not have a lot of “fun” and careless stories to share. I used to resent my higher guardians for this aspect of my life. I did not understand why everyone who seem like me, who told me we are the same. Gets “rights” I do not have.

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However, now knowing who I am. I understand. I am SO humbly grateful. Mortality is so short and unpredictable. In a time of great changes such as this, things happen extremely fast. If a bringer is not prepared in time, the consequences can be dare to both themselves and the higher realm. Before I knew who I am here to be; before I am who I am meant to be. I needed to train, thus my life needed to be the way it was.

I understand. Now. But back then growing up, it was hard. I know what a privilege it is to be here in this realm. I know it coming into it and I am so grateful. But I also know that with that privilege there is something else I am here to do. Though growing up I have no idea what that “something” is. I cannot ignore it.

It is engraved into every atom of my existence. Even when I am completely lost and have no idea who I am, what I am, or what I am to do. Or even how to probably word what “it” is. It is there waiting to be identify and fulfill. Hence, this knowing dictates my abilities to act and react as I wanted to. Not only does it dictate, but it also governs and control my choices. All my life I am made aware of it and its power over me. Hence, before I remembered who I am and what am here to do. I fought this power and resented it.

Fought it so hard that it ripped my life apart time and time again. Even in my ignorance, though I have lost the ability to understands what is happening to me nor remember who I am. I am sound minded and aware enough to know when I am being taught a lesson. Therefore, I learn to be mindful and pay close attention to my lessons to avoid it consequences.

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Thus, I know how easy it is for others to misperceive me as “negative,” “too imaginative,” and “overthinker” when I try to explain what I have notice and how it effects my situations. In a time where I have just been through two car accidents and a series of unfortunate almost accidents/ events that could have result in serious injuries or death. While being topped with my life swirling out of control when I was declared unfit to work; then became homeless. At the same time finding out my father being sudden diagnose with cancer. Where anything that could not happen to someone else — did happened to me. (Side Note: I truly understand. Not being sarcastic. Just stating things as it they are).

Where everything I touch falls apart with series of consequences that I am already too overwhelmed to bare. Feeling as if I am being attack on all front with barely time to react much less reflect and defend against accusations and judgements. While financially struggling, being injured, homeless, hopeless, desperate, and “abandoned” — At the same time being put through one HELL of a trial by the higher power to force me to acknowledge and accept what is too beyond my understanding at the time.

I can truly understand how someone who have everything good that life can offer. Would see me as “negative” and all the other labels when I am trying to share in those time. Our lives are too different. Thus, it is too hard for them to wrap their heads around the idea that someone’s life can be that much out of their control.

Just remember: When you are taught to believe only you can help yourself. But you live a life where you get everything given to you without realizing it. You do not realize others are taught the total opposite. Not everyone who works hard and “go after” what they want — Get what they want. If so, poverty would not be a world problem.

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I know that it is the old programming and template of the misinterpreted idea of “Karma”, “Law of Attraction,” and a few others privileged upper-class perspectives that causes people to react the way they did. This experience highlighted for me where things need to change. It also taught me many valuable lessons I needed to remember. So, that I can do what I am here to do and be all that I came here to be.

Therefore, please note. I have said it before, and I will say it again. I use real experiences as examples to articulate what I am trying to say. I use with it great respect to honor the lessons I am taught and learned — not to target or single anyone in my life out in “negative” way. There is no shame in being an example others can learn from.

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During this time, I was once asked by a friend, “Do you only get to know the negatives things? Why is everything always bad? Do you get to know anything good?” I did not know how to answer the questions then due to the language barriers. But that question started me asking myself why do, I get so many “negative” messages to pass along? If I were given more “positive” messages to pass along, would that not make my gifts more aimable?

Thus, myself more aimable and easily more creditable to other people? If that were the case, then my life and fulfilling my duties would have been so much easier. The tasks I am given would not have been so much of a trial. I would have been able to get what I needed to do done faster — If people like me, and what I can do more.

Thus, instead of learning to hate, resent, and fears my gifts so much that I refer to them as “curses”. That I believe I was cursed. I would embrace them faster, thus be more eager to learn more about them and be more proficient because of it. So why?

Why was I not put in a “better” position so that I can ideally perform my duty and obligation? Why must I have suffered for years upon years? I walk around knowing exactly how little people think of me, how people view me, see me, and say about me. When I am at my lowest, I allow their judgement and misinterpretation to hurt me and break my ability to be confident in myself.

I did not understand — until this moment — why it must be so!

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The answer to that question finally pop-up suddenly today (5 years later). When I am finally worn again down to my core physically. Worn to the point where I physically tremble from fatigue and afraid my heart would stop from overworking itself to sustain me. Burnt down the of my center of soul. To the point that the daily grind of mundane problems become unimportant and secondary to my higher purpose for existing. If ask that question again now — that I have a true understanding of my problems with expressions to avoid being trapped inside its barriers. In answer, I can now say:

“Why would you want to know all the best things that life has to offer — before the offer is made? The most beautiful thing about life is its many surprises, even the one you do not think you want. Only the one who are afraid of the gifts that comes with life — feels a need to know everything. So that they can “control” and “prepare” for everything.

Those who wants the answers to all the surprises, are here for the purpose of learning to let go of their ego, insecurity, and obsession with control to compensate for the true confidence and strength they lack. Without the strength to endure chaos, embrace it, and accept it. Without the ability to “let go” of our disappointments — in the things we cannot achieve and the control of what comes and goes in our life.

We cannot gain the ability to understand and trust life, to give us what we need. We cannot come into the wisdom of accept of the higher purpose of this existence. So, it will hinder our abilities to learn to adapt and absorb new revelations and knowledge. Thus, we cannot advance forward and break away from what holds us back.

Those with “gifts” are not sent here for the purposes of encouraging continuously setbacks. Nor give confirmations to allows the ones that they are trying to help to continue down the wrong path. It is redundant to send someone, to help someone else, to continue down a path they are already willingly taking.

From personal experiences I can tell you, knowing about the wonderful surprises awaiting us — poisons it. Only those who does not know the true value of it; would want to know it. Knowing any aspects of the surprises, allow human nature and its curiosity to allow spoiling factors to leak through and ruin the experience for us.

For example: Knowing that there will be a surprise awaiting us; we will start to fantasize, then create expectations to set ourselves up for disappointment. Thus, if it does not match those expectations, we become disappointed. But, if it does match those expectations, we quickly get over it and does not learn to appreciate it. Moving onto our next target without savoring and cherishing the gifts we are given.”

That is one of the many reasons life is meant to be unpredictable. One of the reasons my gifts is such a burden and why I would do anything to be “distracted” from the “knowing”. Knowing what is to come. But render helpless to change a course of events is HARD — when it comes to “bad things”. But knowing, the wonderful things to come and having to witness the actions that spoils it, makes it even harder.

Because in life, there are not a lot of “good/easy things” for some people. Hence to spoil it, before they can reach for it. All because we cannot control our eager to arrogantly prove ourselves to others — to brag about how “special” we are. So, that we can trade it for their companionship and “positive” impression of us. It is selfish to trade someone’s happiness for our ego, and on the road to higher wisdom — ego and pride is our toughest adversaries.

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So yes, I do see a lot of the “negatives”! It makes me “paranoid”, a “worry ward”, “downer”, “depressing”, “joy-kill”, “high string”, “antisocial” and an “overthinker”. It is easier to allow others to hurt me, judge me, and brand me with titles and names. Than it is to try and explain to them something they cannot understand — Then have them still judge me and brand me anyway. I have tried, believe me.

Others cannot understand the trials I faces every other minute of my life with the burden of my abilities and responsibilities to them, and to others like them — who cannot understand. If it is only my life I see, I would not be any of those descriptions to someone else. Because I would not care to share. Nor burden anyone with my worries and actions so that they will think about what they are doing and help themselves.

I would not have to “nag” to get someone to do something, if they are more mindful, self-aware, and does what they are supposed to do. Why would anyone want to choose to be a “nag” — Or all those other labels I get labelled with if it is not because I care. If I do not care — they would drown without knowing why. If I do not “nag”, they would continue to walk the path they have mindlessly been taking toward that cliff they are unable to see in front of them.

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Without the burden of my responsibilities to my higher purpose — and to you. I would be free to be someone you perceive in a way that would fit into your understanding. I would be the “cool” friend and the “easy-go-lucky” companion. The “fun” adventurer who would encourage and applause you for taking crazy risks with your life. Because I would not care to remember all the things you are taking for granted. Nor that you have kids who depend on you and a family who loves you.

I would not care about them or your bright future. I would only care about being the person you can have “fun” with now. Someone who does not know, nor care that you have so much more you are risking. Just so you can have one more moment of “wild fun” so that you can entertain the stories to everyone later (if you survive). Someone who would not stay up all night worrying and making sure you survive the night as you throw up blood after having “too much fun”.

Or someone who would walk into known dangerous situations to make sure you survive your moment of stupidity and recklessness, so that you can come home to your babies. Someone who make sure there is a “tomorrow” for you. So, you can wake up and laugh at how “cool” you were the night before when you jumped onto a moving motorcycle while drunk. Or decide to go home with total strangers in a foreign country.

Someone who does not know you enough to care about you and can ignore you compensating a risky experience to get a “kick out” of life. Because you do not know how to handle your privileges. Handle your entitlements to having the privilege of getting everything you want. Or too stressed out from maintaining it or exhausted from seeking it.

I understand, why others do what they feel they need to. But I do not know how to make them understand the added weight upon my shoulders to know, and yet cannot fully say, what needed to be said to help them. Nor can I be the person who encourages them to give up what I know will come to be once they make it through the trials that life throws at them.

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Until I can do more, I can only silently guide you, worried about you, and love you enough to be the “anti-fun” friend or family member in your life. I will be what you need me to be. Because my abilities are not to be used to help you turn a-would-be “positive” experience into a “tragedy”. By setting you up for disappointments. By telling you all the wonderful things that you could have — So that you can be lazy and not bother with the effort put into actually making it happen.

For example: If I tell you, you will be rich in a few years. And you trust my abilities and what I said. But then you lack off at work, no longer care about improving and enriching yourself. No longer inspired to achieve more, and no longer motivated to continue to work or do anything. Not even bother with the effort of buying a simple lottery ticket. Then how are you going to ever achieve the future I see for you? Life is not a fairy tale on television. There is no Fairy Godmother with a “magic wand” that can make anything happen (but as you can see, even her magic has limit — midnight!).

Also, if I tell you that you will live till 100, how temped would you be to throw caution out the windows? Then arrogantly take as many crazy stupid risks to put your life (and others) in danger just because you are given knowledge of the privilege you are given? How much value and appreciation would you really feel for the gifts of life thinking it is an entitlement? How would you treat others around you with this knowledge? Would you arrogantly taunt them into taking the risk with you — not caring if they have the same life privilege as you? Just so that you can get the “kick” or the sense of “pride” you wanted out of the risky experience, knowing it cannot affect your path?

I am not here to dumb you down! My gifts are not at your disposal to be use as an excuse you can blame on, when you fail to learn what you are here to learn. I am in your life and my abilities is there to help you realize what you really need. Also, from our journey and differences, to highlight and help you realize all the privileges you were granted while others live without. I have shared with you my struggles to help you understand that everyone’s life is customized. Yours cannot be mine and mine cannot be yours. We must make the best of what we are given, and we must learn from each other what we cannot see on our own.

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Side Note: Yes, sometimes to save someone we must fight them. We must make waves and causes conflicts. Unbury and bring light into what they want to bury or bypass. Therefore, it also means, sometimes in order to save someone — we have to lose them or let them go. This is the hardest part. But know, if they learn what they are supposed to learn, they will come back.

If not, know it is not a loss to lose a weight that holds us down and back from where we need to go. We cannot save everyone. All we can do is TRY our very best and HOPE they will meet us half-way. Also, please PLEASE be mindful, that our intention is PURE when we are choosing to make those waves and casting that light. Not just doing so to project, outsource, bypass, or impose our own believes and perspectives on others.