ASR: B8: Chapter 8: The Cries From Silent Lips
While growing up, I find the most bewildering and baffling things about people are their mixed reactions and signals to things they do not understand. For example, if I warn people about something that will happen, and they took heed and took caution. Thus, change the course of event and nothing “bad” happened. They call me “paranoid” and tell me I worry too much, and not to say anything next time because it is a “joy-kill”.
They reacted as if I have committed a great crime against them for warning them to help them make the right decision. They also retaliate by labeling me with titles such as “negative,” “paranoid,” “overthinker,” “joy-kill” and the list goes on. But when I “shut-up” and not say anything until after the event. Because I did not know my unusual abilities are not common. Hence, my clumsy attempts to help. But does not know exactly how to properly explain myself. Nor defend myself when I am “wrong”.
I can understand now, why people reacted to me the way they reacted. But back then, not understanding how I know what I know, nor how to explain it. Being lost and bombarded on all sides with newly taught “truths”. I was so confused. Therefore, I take things literally. Since I am told I could not react before something happened because it is a “joy-kill”. Thus, I respected the people who told me so, enough to listen and change my ways.
Hence, I reacted after — in hope that people would stop calling me names every time, I tried to honestly help them. It confuses and disorientates me. When people in my life keep telling me it is my “imaginations” to be able to do things others do not understand. Nor can do themselves.
Even thought I was young and ignorant of who I am and the abilities I have. I know enough to know “imagination” do not make something happen. Nor does it know something is about to happen before it happened! People tell me I do not make sense. But they do make sense to me when they keep telling me I am “imagining” things. Or calling me names for the things that we experienced together!
I listened to them when they tell me something is wrong and tried to change my approach, hoping to make them understand. They reacted the same no matter how I approach it. The reactions to my reactions are: “If you know, why did not you say anything!”, “You think you are smarter than everyone.”, “You like to rub it in.” I cannot win. It is often the case of “you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t.” Because of those mixed signals, I became completely lost within the reactions of others. Thus, became even more lost between the world that I know and the world that I was taught to know.
Those reactions conditioned me and taught me to grew caution and unsecure with others and within myself. Because the mixed messages I received made me unsure of how I should act and respond to people whom I naively believe have the same abilities I do. Thus, should understand but does not.
Being “wrong” has consequences and being “right” has consequences. Growing up in a world where people taught each other, that “standards” are based on perspectives and perception. Instead of on actual concrete forms that does not change per individuality — We swim our way through murky water of illusions to create our own. Thus, how can we not be divided from ourselves? How can we know “truth” from the illusion of it?
When we teach each other to be afraid to be genuine and honest to us. How can they know to help us? How can they trust when we ask for help that we mean it? In a world where people can say one thing and mean another. For someone who comes into it not being aware of this habit and does not know how to use words to communicate with others. It is a nightmare!
I struggle with this nightmare for much of my life until I realize what the problem is. It is excruciating and exhausting not knowing when to step forward and help — and when to step back and watch due to what I am taught. When instincts demand I step forward; but experiences and learned fear of people’s reactions, tells me to stay put. I fight battles within myself. To give people “rights” they do not even know they have. While they fight me for “rights,” they think they have, against the one they actually do!
For some cases, it would be too late already for me to help by the time the person realizes it for themselves and physically ask for it. Why would you prefer I wait until after your car accident to tell you about it? What help would it do you then?
For example: To all those who have loved ones and children. Can you imagine how it feels to be in my position. Knowing without a doubt that they are destined to suffer. Would you be able to stand by and do nothing? You know you cannot change their Destiny — but would it stop you from trying? Even when they ignorantly hurts and fought against you — as you try to make them understand? If you attempted to do something, but failed — is that knowledge and the result of the event any less painful?
It is easy to say, “leave them be and let them learn for themselves”. Yes, in some cases, very easy. But in the not so easy cases, saying is easy, but doing is hard! Because sometimes in life, if you choose wrong. There is no chance to do over.
It is easy to gamble and try our luck when we have more than we need in our pocket — ready to try again. But when we know we do not. We need to slow down and take mindful and thoughtful actions because if not. The consequences of that wrong choice are the regrets and guilt we must carry with us all our life.
Think about it. What help would it do to wait until someone have already committed suicide; to help them? It does not make any sense to me to wait for tomorrow to do something we should be doing today to prevent this critical point. Not all those who choose to commit suicide will reach out and broadcast their intention. Hence, the shock and endless regrets to those around them.
It is easy too, for someone who does not have the “knowledge” to write it off as “I did not know”. To be excused from the guilt of standing by and having to watch a terrible event unfolded. But for someone who have prior knowledge but choose not to take any form of action. To not even TRY because they let their fear, holds them back from taking actions.
Also, if they do not yet understand “why” they have such abilities and what they are really supposed to do with it. It would be hard for them to justify and forgive themselves as easy as it would be for someone who does not have the abilities. Guilts and regrets are an acidic poison that can burns all the way into our soul. It can leave us scarred for all eternity. Believe me, when I say, if life is a moment. Eternality, is a very long time to be existing in regrets.
Another example: I was told, “do not help those who don’t ask for it.” But when the people who tells me that, does not realize that I can heard the cries for help from silent lips. It is hard for them to understand my struggle because they do not realize that I am taking their advice to heart. But their advice cannot be applied to someone who does not see the world as they do. So, they get frustrated when I come to them struggling with the “same” problems without the result they expected and received when they came into their “wisdom”.
People do not know how hard it is for me. Being surrounded by a celebration for a new life to be born, knowing it is not going to come into this world. Or looking someone in the face everyday surrounded by their loved ones, knowing when they will be leaving and the devastating effect it will have on the lives of those they leave behind. It hurts to know.
But it hurts more to not be about to do anything about it. To not be able to share my grief and struggle while being forced to accept it with a smile. Because people can not understand when I reach out to them. If I say something, their reactions will be that I “jinxed” them if it happens. If it does not, because by knowing they can sometimes prevent it. Then, they consider me “negative” for saying such thoughts about a joyous occasion.
So, alone I grief for an end I know can not be avoid. When it comes; I am unable to give comfort to those who needs or wants it. Because knowing that it is for the best, I cannot pretend to continue to grief. Nor can I give comfort with words I am unable to mean.
People take for granted every day the filters they have. They have no idea how exhausting and painful it is for someone who have less of those filters to maintain the interactions they have. People do not understand what it is like for someone who comes from a world where emotions are understood and accepted. Hence, it flows naturally. Smoothly. Subtly. Thus, causes no discomfort.
Then, to come into a world where it is misinterpreted, blocked, and taught that it is either something we should avoid, bypass, or let ourselves be consume (“have passion”) by it. So that we can be “human” or be able to conduct ourselves as is expected by others. A world, where the physical and spiritual evolution of the race has not yet evolved and mature to a stage where they can understand how to balance and respect its presence and purpose. Nor how to circulate it.
Growing up, as an amnesic “spiritual” being trying to “fit in” or be more “human”. It was hard to know how to feel and conduct myself in certain situations. Most time I feel “peaceful/high acceptance” with everything. That translate to the confused and lost me, as “not feeling anything”, “blank” and “not human”. To others, “stoic”, “cold”, and “emotionless”.
The time I do “feel” it is crippling. Because I am connected intimately to the energies all around me and can tap into the higher realm energy system. But my physical body is not evolved enough to receive, hold, and translate the messages. Plus, all the misinformation I am taught causes “blockages” and resistances.
Hence, when I experience a “message/instruction” (the “knowing”). Depending on how strong and how big an effect it has on my path, my mission, or the world. It literally feels like I am “sucker punched”, “got the wind knock out of me,” “super-charged”, and then “being drained”. It is physically painful. Mind-blowingly so sometimes. Hurt so bad, there are times I cannot breathe, and I feel my limps gives out from under me. It is not something I can just easily ignore.
Before my “vision” kicked in, the intense feelings I have whenever I “know” something big is about to happen — could only be explained by those who are trying to help — by calling it “anxiety”. I did not understand what “anxiety” mean. Those who tried to help me, tells me that the closest word they could think of from my clumsy description about how I felt is “anxiety”.
Because they seem more “experienced” than I am at being a citizen of this realm, I agreed with them. Their obvious “success” and my “obvious failures” speak to this “truth”. Hence, there is no reason for me to questions them. But deep in my guts something still felt “wrong”. Even after I looked up what the word means, I still could not understand it. But since I am unfamiliar with what is happening to me, and desperate for an answer — I accepted it.
However, for years I could not rationally understand how someone can feel “anxiety” over something that they did not know will happens in the future. How can one feel “anxiety” now for something — unrelated that will happen in the distance future? Especially, when there are no correlating relations or aspects in the current time that could connect the dots. To make you even think that the event could be a possibility to worry and feel anxiety about?
When I am younger and the time between the “feeling of knowing” and the event actually happening is far apart. So, “anxiety” is a very possible explanation. Since I am ignorant of any other known explanation and have nothing to compare it to — it was the only explanation I could endure. However, as I mature, and the time lap became shortened to matters of hours — It is hard to apply and accept that “anxiety” could be an explanation.
Thus, I became disoriented and confused again that something is “wrong” with me. Still, I embraced the term because I did not have another choice. However, until sequences of events happened in my life, that resulted in me experiencing traumatic events that can be triggers by different factors. Until those events happened in recent years. I did not know how to differentiate the different between “anxiety” and what I felt.
It is very exhilarating — finally, knowing what is “wrong”. Today, I feel truly blessed and completely loved to be taken under Source and my spiritual teams of protectors and guides. Floored with humbleness and gratitude for their iron grip and unbendable restrictions. Because without their protections, I would probably be sent to be diagnosis by some therapist. Or doctors that could have ended with me being deeply misunderstood. Thus, misdiagnose and heavily medicated for abilities and gifts that they cannot understand.
Side Note: Thinking back, I am such a brat😊. I used to resent my higher teams of guardians, protectors, guides, and source so much for their severe — Very, very, VERY severe “toleration training”. Also, resented my abilities as well. But now looking back if I had not got the training I had. If my life had been any easier. Had I not known, before hand the events of today. Had I not been prepared or experience much worst. I honestly do not think I would have survived or be where I am now. Had I been that young person feeling crippled over the cries of a few souls after a disaster across the world, or a future event yet to happen. I cannot imagine what the cries of millions would have done if I am still her. Thank you is not enough. But THANK YOU for loving me so COMPLETELY.