ASR: B8: Chapter 9: The World I Am Told I Belong To, Shows So Many Signs That Contradict This Statement.

Growing up, I was not allowed a physical mentor. Hence, I had “no one” to answer my questions nor can I learn from — To guide me as I navigate this “new” realm as an amnesic “spiritual” being. Without knowing what I am doing. I endured, survived, learned, and try to do my best for both myself and those I encounter. I am not sure if all that I experienced is unique to me or not.

I genuinely am not trying to be any more than a person who can face herself in the mirror every day. Hoping to live life with as little regrets as possible. Hoping to help those all around me to find the kind of joy, happiness, and love — I feel to be privileged to be here. To be able to experience and do all that I am meant to do.

Yes, life is painful — EXCRUCIATING for some of us. I know this First-hand. But do not take lightly the privilege and blessing of being able to experience it. When we do not understand why it is the way it is. We will suffer, but once we know the “whys” it will gets easier. For a period in my life, I could not understand why I am who I am. Nor why life matters so much.

Do we not all die eventually? Hence, what is the point of putting so much effort in living? In being mindful and aware, in caring and loving others, or even doing what we do? Why should we face the pain? Why should we endure it? Why should we suffer? Those questions haunt me a lot while I was struggling to “fit in”. There are times growing up I feel “being human” is impossible for me. Yet, I am never taught I can be anything else but “human”.

Hence, I did not understand why I must be this person “God” made me to be. Or why I must live the life I have. Nor why I keep trying — tirelessly, to help others or be a “decent” person. Because from the examples of other, from what I am told, taught, and obviously can “see”. There are obviously more “benefits” in being someone who is not mindful, who does not care, and who is not “decent”. So, why must I be who I am?

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Until I remembered, I suffered a lot due to conflicts that arises between my higher instincts, purpose, and missions for coming into life and just trying to “be human”. Trying to “be like everyone” else. Now, however, I am grateful to be the one who can and could make the sacrifices I have. Who have chosen to bear the burden of trying — of attempting, of being mindful, and of choosing to love. For those choices is what made me unlock the “real me”.

In life, I believe the only time we truly fail is when we choose not to even take that first step. Most regrets come from the lack of effort to even try — not from failings. Therefore, even though I know now, I cannot save everyone in my path. But I want to at least give it my best shot. Because I believe one less person suffering — is better than one more. I hope that with every individual I help, they can use what they have learned to help someone else. Or if they cannot help someone else. At least they will become more mindful and conscious of the effect they have on others. And others on them, to prevent the unnecessary spreading of suffering.

I hope we can start a “wave” in the direction that will help us, and those we love, to ascend upon this climb to “spiritual maturity”. I hope one day the empty road I have been traveling will be full of companions. That is my hope as lost “child” new to this realm, and my hope now as I remember who I am. But in between then and now. There is a time where I was afraid that maybe I am too “naïve”, too “unrealistic”, and too “optimistic” to have such big hopes.

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With a history of all the brutal consequences, as the result, of not knowing the rules I was forced to live by. Thus, resulted in me breaking them without having known I have done so. Therefore, resulted in the price I am forced to face. Which made the lessons I did not realize I was being taught. A confusing process that left me unstable upon the grounds I stood upon.

Self-doubts and frustration due to conflicting principles, to unclear and unbriefed rules, and limitations that I unknowingly break. While being taught the opposite by those around me — left me upon a road of many uncertainties. Ignorant and lost, within a world where I do not understand, and no one understands me. Thus, no one can help me when I reach out — I survived. But as those unclear rules start to clarify. I became even more lost as I now stood in the conflicting between.

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On an unstable road with conflicting uncertainties and harsh consequences to unknown restrictions; I could not trust myself. Instinct is a nightmare, and truths are monsters waiting to devour me. Doubts and denials fill me over the years. The older I got, the more I wish that the abilities would disappear, but to my horror it did the opposite.

The older I got, the worst it becomes. Not only does it not disappear. The experiences intensified and the details are clarified. It is no longer just a whispering thought inside my head, sick feeling in my body, and an alarming sound in my soul. Now, I can see, literally see what will happen in a vision before it happen.

I am not only able see events in my “dreams”, which I have been doing most of my life. But I do it while I am awake, occupied and actively doing something or interacting with someone. The vision interrupts and can happen at any time. Wherever I may be, despite whatever I am doing. The “dreams” I can write off and have written off before many times. But the visions are hard to deny.

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My most go through phrase while growing up to try to explain what I am going through is, “I am here, but I am not really here.” Before my recent clarity, my diaries are filled with such phrases. Or something less refined, but like this; to try to understand my position. To try to explain some of the things I have experienced. People whom I choose to share my experiences with does not understand what I mean when I use this phrase to explain to them. But it is the only explanation I had then.

I do not fully understand what I mean back then to even clarify. Now, I can explain to you that when I say that. I mean I am physically here, but I am not fully here. A part of me, my soul, is beyond this “reality.” I literally see into this “reality” from another perspective outside of it. And if I am experiencing something at a distance. I am physically not there, but my soul is there.

Not knowing that I am a “spiritual” being coming into life to experience it. I had no idea why my life feels so surreal. So “virtual”. So confusing. The fact that I am not aware my abilities are not common, makes it even more so. Back then knowing nothing about “spirituality” or worlds beyond this one. Knowing nothing about terms such as “astral projection”, “starseed”, or any of the knowledge about my other abilities. I was completely lost.

The world I am told I belong to, shows so many signs that contradict this statement. The world that I do belong to — Is unknown to me and anyone that orbits me. Hence, how am I to ground?

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When I started getting visions it was even harder to “rationalize” my “reality” and ground. For “logic,” “rationality,” and “practicality” was what I used for a time to help me coop and stay “balanced,” between the world I know and the one I do not. Growing up due to my extreme sensitivities to the energy of life all around me. Staying balance, mindful, and alert are skills I needed to learn and tone to survive the chaos that comes with being a being of many worlds.

To stay balanced mean, I instinctively must avoid substances of any type that could alter or effect my physical self in any way. Because I can feel and experience the world and other people with my physical form, not just with my higher senses. I have a natural distaste for anything that leaves a weird aftertaste in my mouth or on my skin.

Therefore, simple things such as tea, coffee, and even sugar affects me physically in unpleasant ways. Those that I can tolerate I consume, those that I cannot, I do not go out of my way to get. I did not know then, but I know now why my life needed to be as tough as it was. Chaos was introduced to my life early to help me train, ground, and balance while I am still “new”. While my connections to the higher realm is still strong. While I am yet to be too influences by the people of this realm. Thus, I learn to be mindful and aware of a constant, general stage of body, mind, and soul that I can use as a point to gage when something unusual affects me.

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Living my whole life with abilities I do not understand — A “new” ability awakening should not make a difference. However, my vision awakening during consciousness was the hardest for me to accept. All my other abilities are…unusual, but nothing I cannot “rationalize” away — because I have been told I have a “great imagination”.

Therefore, “rationally” I started to accept and believe that if others cannot do it, I should not be either. Thus, I can “will it away” if I pretend it does not exist. Plus, if I cannot see it, I cannot prove it. Thus, do not need to accept it! With “no one” around to answers my questions anyway. I just write off everything that I cannot understand as my “imagination”. Unless they effect my physical life, I just ignored it.

But when I have visions, it is very hard to explain, and even harder still to deny. How do you deny a normal day drive with music playing on the radio. With you refreshed from a good night sleep and focused on getting to your destination — When suddenly, with no warnings and no triggers. You become slightly “blinded”, and then you are having “double” visions. Like having two high-definition films negatives put on top of each other.

You are physically seeing two “timelines” overlapping. You know currently at that present time how everything is supposed to look. You can see it there. But you also saw something else playing over top of what you are currently seeing at the same time — With crystal clear clarity. With the vision being even more vivid than “real” life — while “reality” become “distance”. How can someone who is already lost — not become even more so?

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After the vision, I often shake my head and tell myself it is nothing but a moment of vivid imagination. However, the sick feeling in my guts that comes with the vision remains and for days and weeks. Every time I blink, the vision reappear in my foresight; as if on auto replay in High-Definition in my mind. As if I am literally watching a projector replaying itself. Stuck in that moment by the warnings. While I am are trying to convince myself, it is nothing but my imagination.

Yet, I cannot explain why it is more vivid than “real life”. The event is totally unrelated to anything I have ever experience. Or have even thought, could be a possibility in my life at that current time. Not knowing what I am meant to do with the vision. Not know what it even means, or why I even have it.

I ignore it till I forgot all about it. Then suddenly –BAM!! The event happened and I am seeing it with “double” visions again. I watched as my previous vision and my current “reality” — “click” to become one; and the images fit together exactly as I saw it weeks ago. Only this time instead of the sick feeling in my “guts”, I feel complete knowing and understanding of what the universe is trying to tell me weeks ago.

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How can something like this be explained away? If I had ever taken drugs or got drunk from consuming too much alcohol at the time. I might have been able to explain it to myself easier. But because I have not. And on days where I have enough sleep, those days are rare, hence I cherish them. Therefore, when things like this happens. It is hard to understand when I have been advised all my life, “if you cannot see it. It is not real, and you do not have to believe it.”

“Seeing” is believing right? I used to “rationalize” to myself that if I cannot literally “see” something. While I am conscious and in a clear stage of mind. Then it is my “imagination” like what people have been telling me all my life. Therefore, whenever I have a vision, my cycle of confusion and disorientation start anew.

Now that I can “see” — while I am awake. How am going to explain it away? Because I am told and taught for most of my life that my unusual abilities are my imaginations. That if I am not conscious and cannot use my physical eyes. They have no merits. I spend a large chunk of my life being told I have a great imagination and need to be careful.

Scared into thinking that if I let my imagination get away with me, I would develop a mental disorder. Hence, I must be mindful to be “rational”, “practical”, “logical” and “realistic” — at all-times. And it works to help me bypass accepting my other abilities as something “real” I need to be looking into. But the visions totally destroyed this concept.

Especially, when it can linger for days. My “dreams” of other realms and timelines can be ignored and maybe even forgotten, (though they are not). But they are still just “dreams” — even if it can foretell the future. It is still just a “dream”. The “future” is months and years down the road. How can I prove that? However, the visions “speak” in the now — for the moments, hours, days, and weeks. Therefore, I am put into cycle after cycle of confusion and disorientation from the tug-o-war, between what I am taught and what I know.

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Side Note: Back when I was growing up. The internet was still new, and information are not so abundance. Also, even when internet is booming, life has already occupied most of my time for higher lessons. Thus, “sheltered” and “delayed” me from discovering who I am earlier, so that this book can be its final product.

It is funny. Life does work itself out in mysterious ways. I overheard that I am “destined to be “spiritual”.” Even before I know what “life” means, someone already know what my path will be. But no one ever tells me until recently, that I can BE “spiritual” coming into “life”. We are always taught to move forward. That “forward” is the only path anyone can take.

Yet, here I am, walking backward. Forgetting who I am and the things I know. Learning what I need to learn to survive in this world. Now, remembering and trying to unlearn what I was taught, to be who I am once again. If I am not living it. I would not believe all this is possible.

I understand now why I am not allowed a physical mentor. My journey and my purpose are confusing enough for myself to understand — And I am LIVING it. I cannot imagine how much harder it would be for someone to try to understand and guide me without influencing me. Thus, setting me off my course. Nor makes it even more confusing than it already is.

I think my life was designed to produce this book the way it is written (grammar errors and all) is to help people journeying this “spiritual maturity” road to understand — that they are NOT alone. That source UNDERSTAND, how confusing, difficult, and scary it is. To walk blindly into the unknown. To trust it to know what it is doing when it created us and put us here. Hence, it send…an example/reassurance (?) to let us know that it knows — and that it understands.

By sending us someone who can experience both the beginning and end at the same time. Thus, understands the difficulties of beginnings to empathize and sympathize with us. But also knows the “end” enough. That they can point out and clarifying what is misunderstood and detoured us off the path we were originally supposed to be travelling — to get us back on track.

Yes, I included myself in the “us”. Because I was “new” to this physical “spiritual” definition too. I was completely lost and had no idea where I belong. Hence, not only did I struggle trying to “be human”, I also struggle trying to be “me”. Put side by side, it makes it easier for me to pinpoint where the “wrinkles” are so that I can “iron” it out.