ASR: B9: Chapter 2: The “Curses” Of “Gifts” We Do Not Understand
It was a long agonizing road to the epiphany of why I should not try to help everyone. But finally I understand that my gifts of knowledge are for me — as much as it is for those I needed to help. For the longest time I thought my gifts are curses. Because I do not see a point in having the abilities to see something that I cannot change.
Gifts that make me feel nothing but helplessness. More helplessness than I would have felt without the knowledge of knowing — I could help — but cannot. It is not a blessing when you must watch someone you love suffer. Or you, yourself, suffered because you have the ability to feel their pain. Thus, suffered with them, when you know you have the knowledge and abilities to help them stop it — If only they would allow themselves to hear you.
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I know now, why I am blessed with the abilities I am given. It is not always for me to change things as somethings are supposed to happen. Through personal experiences I learn to accept that some people can only learn by suffering themselves. Only by putting themselves through the trials. Sometimes more than once; can they learn to recognize the wisdom of the lessons being taught to them. In cases such as that, I realize by doing nothing, I end up doing more.
I know now that my duty is not there to hold someone’s hand; or be their shield from what is to come. Not there to protect, to prevent or show someone a way out of the choices they are going to make. I learn we cannot protect people from themselves. We are given some freedom to choose certain paths in this reality. Choose the choices we make upon this journey — to tests our ability to be responsible for the gift of the privilege of having it.
Thus, my purpose is sometimes simply to point out and ask the needed questions people forgot to ask themselves in that moment; and bring awareness to the responsibility of their choice. Another, purpose my abilities serve is to prepare me: Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually to support them in the aftermath. With my deep insights and experiences, I can give them the compassion and understanding they need, when the time they needed comes.
Because I can feel their pain as my own, I know how to understand and forgive them when they come searching for it. This ability truly allows me to understand, empathize, and sympathize with people on a level that taught me lessons in acceptance, selflessness, compassion, and humility few can understand.
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As I have said before, the ancient half of my soul is wise and accepting. It knows its purpose; it understands its position and it is secure in the spot its stand. But its youthful counterpart is taught to be human. It does not care to understand; it is impatient: it wants actions, results, and what it is taught is its entitlements to equality and justice. Its ego demand that it be compensated for what it feels its “deserve”. Its “rights”, if “wronged” because that is what it is taught to believe in. Fear resulted from lack of understanding and misguidance, demand reactions.
Along the way, that youthful part of me got frustrated and impatient with myself for not being able to do more. To be helpless against the illusion of other’s “rights” and to be forced not only to watch those I love suffered. But to suffer their pain myself through my inability to control or understand my “gifts” nor why I have them.
My helplessness at being render unable to do more than watch. When I could be doing something because of the knowledge that I am given. My frustration in being given the power to prevent the suffering and hurts of others. Thus, protect myself, from the “unnecessary” pains of others — made my gifts seem like obvious “punishments”.
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My abilities give me the power to be generous to others and protects my soul from the corruptions of ignorant. But it renders me helpless and at the mercy of those who are cruel and heartless to themselves. Back while growing up, sometimes I feel trapped! My mortal instinct as a being of this world is to survive!
It dictates I do all I can to protect myself and those I love. But my reactions are regulated by higher conditions. Thus, I feel trapped between my higher instincts and the individual rights of others, their illusions, and disabilities. Resulting in constant internal conflicts and chaos to break out and reflect upon my physical life. Thus, it is hard sometimes to remember that my gifts are gifts at all!
Without my gifts, the knowledge I shared within this book cannot exist. But because of my gifts I was a prisoner within a prison that was not built to support me. Thus, it was killing me. Until, I learned to let go of my desires to “fit in”, “to be like everyone else,” and “to be more human”. Let go of my hunger to all of life’s attachments. To do that I had to learn to let go of the ability to feel, to desire, to act, and to react like a being of this existence.
Back then, before I knew I am a “spiritual” being. I did not know I could be anything else but human. Hence, the conflicts, confusions, and struggle to survive. Everything in this world feels foreign and unfamiliar. Yet, at the same time, it is the only thing I can trust to be “real” because it is the only thing that I can see or touch. Thus, when I realize I had to learn to let go of that attachment. I ask myself repeatedly: How do you give up all attachments and still have humanity? How do you give up the best part of life and still be living? How do you stop feeling when the best part of living is to feel?
Back then I did not realize high acceptance is a peaceful “blankness”. Because I have only experienced the extremes. Either I feel too much due to my gifts or “nothing at all” (peaceful/high acceptance), due to my deep insight and understanding of the way things are supposed to be. However, I was taught people should feel. Should have “passion”, should “hurt”, and should “suffer”. Should not feel the kind of joy, happiness, and love I feel for life. Because life is about struggling, surviving, and thriving to be worthy of the “Gods” we worship. Hence, I struggle to feel as expected of me.
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When I realize I was a “spiritual” being, due to the old templates of how “a spiritual being should be”. I often have questions such as: How do you live beyond your environment and culture; yet still be a part of it? So, that you can function efficiently within it; to stay connected to those you love and those you must be there for? Bills do not pay themselves, necessities are not going to appear out of thin air. So, the question is: How am I expect to continue to existence in a world where I am not allowed to truly be a part of. Yet, still be available to serve my higher purpose? Unlike some of my fellow companions, I am not destined to walk the path of an observer.
If so, my gifts would be unnecessary and excessive. I am not posted in a position that allows me to live isolated from those I need to be there for. I am not physical built to be able to survive in all conditions. Being an initiator and a mover, I am needed in the center of where things are happening. So, that I can understand and pinpoint the issues and take the necessary actions. But such a place is full distractions, “clutters,” and obstacles standing in the way of spiritual sights, wisdoms, intentions, and higher duties.
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A place full of expectations and standardized reactions that can have dire consequences, if you do not follow the practice others map out for you. Here is an example to help maybe articulate what I am trying to say:
Can you imagine being surrounded by people at a funeral, deeply mourning and crying about their lost, while you feel “nothing”? Because you accept that it must be, and you know regardless of all the sorrows of the livings surrounding you; that it is for the best. Can you imagine having to try to comfort someone while being awkward with words but at the same time unable to feel genuine compassion for the sorrow of the livings?
Believe me when I say I understand your pain. Coming from a world of eternals; learning to let go of everyone and everything — all the time — is excruciating! But that is one of the lessons I am here to learn. I came to learn what I took for granted what I know cannot be taken away. So that I can truly understand it better to appreciate it and cherish it when I am once again faced with it. Thus, I genuinely understand your excruciating lost, but I also understand why you feel the way you do.
I know sorrows from the livings are for themselves because of their attachments to the ones gone. They are sad because now they must face changes to what has been comfortable. They must now learn to let go, learn to re-adjust, learn to re-adapt, and moving on to continue their journey with someone they love and have grown attached too — and used to — missing.
I respectfully understand the reasons behind their sorrow. But I also understand that sometimes things need to happen so that we can move forward on our journey. Because too much comfort in routine fixation is detriment to our ascending journey.
Also, knowing the ones that are gone is off to a better place: How can I feel sad, when I know the leaving is best for both parties? In situations like this example. It is when I feel the burden of my wisdom the most. When I feel the weight of my responsibility and posted position acutely. I stress deeply on how I am taught I should feel and what I should do, but unable to feel what is expected of me. Thus, sometimes unable to genuinely do what is expected of me.
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I should deeply apologize if I sound “insensitive” for what I just said. But my apologizes would be ingenuine as what I have said is not in menace or because I am trying to be “insensitive”. It is just a statement of the natural truth — A Hard-wisdom. One we need to come to term with on our own and accept. There is nothing that can truly be said, by anyone, to make us feel truly better.
“Hard-wisdom” are natural truths that needs to be embrace and accepted. It causes no wounds, and it heals no wounds. It intends to offend no one — yet offends everyone, who is unable to accept it as it is. Hence, I am not “negative” or trying to be cruel for stating what is. I am just practical and realistic to the reality that I am in. Death is the other half of life. It is inevitable. No one is an exception to it, yet why are we living life pretending otherwise?
The lessons you are learning when you lost someone is a lesson I have also learned to accept and live with daily. Thus, I understand where your pain come from, and I am not devaluing it by what I just said. I am not “negative” when I say, “The moment we say “hello”,” we should be aware that “good-bye/ see you later” is inevitable.
It is a truth we need to accept, whether we agree or disagree to it. Whether we react or not react in a certain way. It cannot be changed. It is what it is. If we are aware to accept this truth, we can be mindful to cherish all the moments we have with everyone around us. Thus, not have to wait until they are gone to regrets and mourn our lost time with them.
To truly, completely, love someone. We must know when to hold and cherish the person we love, and when to let them go — so they can move on too.
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Side Note: There are times while writing this book, I break down in frustrated tears because I understands how my words would sound to some people. How much it would hurt to be in their position to not understand higher truth. How much it will affect my life and the people in it when they realize who I am. I was hated for most of my life by everyone I love simply because I am different. Simply because I can accept what they do not understand, thus fear my differences. It takes me a long time to reassure them that all I wanted is to help. Therefore, if I honestly know of another way to “say” it better. I would use it. But I do not. Hence, the disclaimer in the first few chapters and warning throughout.
My life is designed to write this book the way it is written. Also, if you cannot handle the simple truth I write of now? How can you handle the real hard wisdom that I will later share in this book? Or the universe will be shared with you in this new grid? Handle the truth about the true “God” behind our “Gods”. All chapters leading up to it are just groundwork to let you know I am genuine. Let you know how I came to be who I am and why I am here. How I came to intimately understand your perspective and position — to empathy and sympathize. Thus, want to help show you that there is another path to take to where we should be.
I also want to let you know that I am not some ignorance, illogical, irrational, and delusional being who can talk because I can. Who does not know what it is like to be bled dry to love, to care, to give, and to do what I am here to do. While writing this book, I never intended to mention my “soulmate-twin flame”. I did not even know what “twin flames”, or “soulmate” means until 2021.
I experienced those sacred connections and bonding. Instinctively know what they are. But I never know what they are call. As I have said, “terms” and “titles” means nothing to me. To me experiences is the only true definition of an emotion or a person. But for the sake of putting things in perspective, I will use those terms to help other understand the deep connections and bonding — And suffering. I experienced through those bonding to understand, empathy, and sympathize with others. To come into the higher truth and hard wisdom I stated.
For those who knows how deep the soul bond of a soulmate and twin-flames is, they will understand how deep the suffering can be to break that bonding and separate yourself. To walk away and let it go. To be who I am here to be, I had to choose to temporarily sever it. To remind me of what higher love means, source send me my soulmate-twin flames (yes, one package) to guard and protect my heart and soul. And then, through this SMTF to teach me what complete higher love means.
My SMTF taught me everything I needed to know about love. Including how to love and respect myself and stand strong on my own. Even against a bond as sacred and deep as a soulmate-twin flame. When I met my (now I know, but at the time I did not) false twin-flames in this physical realm — it was Hell on top of Hell. Because I had so much hope that my false TF was my true SMTF because the bond is very similar. It amplified due to my desire to find somewhere I belong and be accepted.
Extraordinary forces of the universe forced my false TF and me together in this realm to clarify a bond I had with my true SMTF. Because at the time I had convinced myself, the bond (between me and my true SMTF) is nothing but my imagination. Therefore, everything I was taught by my SMTF — was nothing but my over creative imagination playing tricks on me. Hence, to know the difference, I had to experience similar bonds. Then being ripped from those bonds to understand its significant. Also, to test if I truly understand what source wanted me to learn about higher love. I was sent my true SMTF and then send a physical familiar — to see if I can be who I am taught to be by source.
The first lesson source had my true SMTF teaches me is that I am more than just a half waiting to be whole. That I am a powerful whole — all on my own. To learn this lesson, I had to learn to tear my heart and soul apart to make it whole again and again. Hence, please know I do not make hard wisdom statements in mindless ignorance to how truly painful and how much suffering it takes to understand and grasp its true meaning. I make it after surviving and earning the ability to accept it as it is.
Thus, I mean no disrespect and have no intention to devalue your pain. I am saying it because I truly understand. Because I know how painful it is, but I also know its true source. Thus, know how to heal it. How to properly coop with it. Accept it. Balance it. How to lift myself from the suffering and raise above it, to be all I am here to be. How to stand alone as whole, in my own power. Not as a half waiting endlessly for someone to complete me. Or allow me to depend on, to complete what I am here to do.
Therefore, to all the seekers of “soulmates” and “twin flames”. Those two terms seem to be an almost desperate (?) attraction to “spiritualism” for some people. Let me be blunt. Stop waiting to be whole! You are whole when you find and accept yourself. Your other half does not make you whole! Not when you allow yourself to forever only be half of a half.
Hence, when you find and loose that other half, you will still only be half. Thus, the pain, the hurting, and the suffering. Because you do not realize and cannot accept that you could never “lose” something that is always meant to be yours. You can only loose what is not yours to have in the first place. I hope that makes sense.
