ASR: B9: Chapter 4: I Share My Scars To Help You Understands That I Can Understand Yours.

Since I was a child, I learned early the extremes of human nature and the deceptive face humanity wears to hide those tenancy behind. Extreme cruelness can be a kind act, while generosity can be the foulest of deed. Everything is based on perception. Taught to us by those around us through their expressed actions and reactions, and how we choose to perceive and believe it. Many factors affect believes, perception, and perspective: Our environment, situations, experiences, trials, history, choices, egos, hopes, dreams, and desire.

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Having been told repeatedly growing up that “you worry too much”; that “you are negative,” that “you are pessimistic,” and “too paranoid.” Add to being accused of making things up, laughed at, stares of distrusts and glares of disapproval. Made the rare cases of laughs and passive shrug of indifferences and acceptance such as: the one my friend’s mother made after my “episode” about the lottery number –very insignificant in my life.

Soon, it was forgotten and all that was remembered and taught was that: being different is “bad”. Standing out is “bad”. Fear of dislike and isolation makes it easy to want to hide and deny yourself of who you are. Especially, when you have never been taught that being unique is not a “bad” thing. The appreciation of uniqueness was a wisdom that sometimes comes at the prices of someone else’s pain and an injustice act that can never be taken back.

Regrets helps us learn some of the most important lessons in life.

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Once when I was nine years old, times stopped again for me. It was years since the last time it happened. Though, it did again for only a brief second or two, but it was enough for me to learn a few defining lessons that day.

When I was younger there is a cousin who I was close to that often visit a few times a year. We were very close. I also have another older friend whose family live in the same apartment we were settled in. Both are like bigger, cooler sisters to me. One of my sister, who is very close in age, often compete with me for their friendships.

It was hard growing up as a child who was as aware as I am of the great design and how we effect it. When I was younger the unusual ability to see people for exactly who they are — make the innocent of youth very confusing and complex. I did not want to lose this childhood friend who was like a role model to me. So, there are times I kept silent about what I know about her.

In times when she was too selfish and goes too far in taking advantages of us. I would try to warn my sister and my cousin, but no one believes me. I was shunned by them sometimes because I tried to warn them not to let her cheats us out of all our piggy banks savings. Not to let her manipulate and uses us to her benefit as she was becoming too greedy and out of control.

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She was our friend, and as young and naïve as nine years old can be at that time; I know that “true friends” do not treat each other this way. For someone born with higher instincts and as sensitive to the soul as I am of human nature. I could not be ignorant to who she was becoming and the consequences of our actions that allow her to be so. She taught me early to realize how scary the true power of manipulation and deception can be. But being part of another realm, where deception does not exist and manipulation is not a necessity nor a common practice. I did not understand, nor can I comprehend the idea of using such skills to take advantages of others.

Thus, it is a very good thing I grew up with only one foot in this world, because it kept me grounded to the higher principles. Hence, forces me to learn true respects and values for others. For a long time, I thought my gifts along with my brutal lessons, unbendable restrictions, and disciplines — directly by Source is a cruel punishment. But now I am so grateful to know why they are a great blessing.

I understand now how dangerous it is to have the abilities to see inside people. Without higher wisdom to guide our perspective and perception. Without a strong pure heart to be our compass. Being able to see the weaknesses in people is a constant and irresistible temptation! It is an ongoing struggle to take or not to take: advantages of that weakness in someone else just because we can, and because it is easy — Why would we not want to?

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To bend people to our will and manipulate people to exercise and express our own motive and selfishly fulfill our own desire — is the easier choice. The fastest way to yield result with little consequences to ourselves — nor effort needed. If we are unaware of the pain and suffering, we can cause and how far it can spread. The power of manipulation and deception in the hands of someone who is ignorant — with selfish intention can do great damage (social media like Facebook). Our history books have recorded the truth of this statement many times over, and yet we continue to ignore the obvious truth of our actions.

When we can ignore and do not have to face the immediate consequences of our actions. Sometimes even the most disciplined of us — can still forget to stop and realize what we are doing. By forgetting to guard against such tenancy, we allowed it to slowly consume our abilities to see the big picture. Hence, we forget to be considerate and thoughtful. Once buried too deep, it is hard to remember that it is not meant to be that way.

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Even though I was a kid desperately in need of a friend. The higher wisdoms that were encoded into my soul cannot easily be disregarded — nor can I ignore my higher education. Because of my abilities, all selfish and self-serving desire cannot be “excused” away. My desire for companionship — is not a justifiable enough excuse to overlook the wisdom I have been taught by the higher power, to continue some relationship. Because of this, I learn early holding onto what is not meant to be held onto — will result in nothing but cycles of prolong suffering.

Maybe I could hold on, but higher principle and values would not allow ignorant. Maybe if those people had only taken advantage of me, manipulated only me, and hurt only me — I would have allowed the association to continue, but they usually do not. Thus, I cannot stand by, pretend, do nothing, and allowed them to continue.

By doing nothing and standing by their side while they continue their actions; made me just as much of a compliance to the pain they have cause or will cause other. Just like bullying. Standing by someone who bullies other, makes you just as much the bully they are. By standing by them, it means you “confirm” your “approval” for them to continue their actions. Confirm your approval for them to continue their ignorant to the consequences of what they have done or will do. Allowing and supporting someone to continue to make their mistakes, in my opinion — is not being a “good friend” — no matter how much I wanted them in my life.

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Being a “spiritual” being, even as a confused and completely lost innocent child into this “new” world where I have no idea who I am. The higher principles and values of the higher realms are iron pillars, that are unbendable even before I consciously know what they are. They lurk about in the fogs of my memories of the higher realms. Thought I cannot see them, I can feel them at every turn. Over and over, I am taunt and challenged by source to remember what I have forgotten. Though, I have consciously forgotten and lost the ability to see what is clearly in front of me. But what is real, is real — even if I can no longer “see” it as I used to be able to.

In high school when I met my soul sister and best friend (one of them) for the first time. She once asked me after we became close. Between her and a stranger I do not know. Would I standby her and “protect” her if she chose to do something “bad” when judged. Without hesitation I told her, “No. I standby what I know is right.” She was surprised and does not understand how I can be such a “loyal” person yet would choose that.

So, I explained to her that to me, every life is equal. She is my best friend and I do love her, and I will not love her any less because of my choice. She has a right to do what she chose to do. But no innocent should suffer in her place for the choice she chooses to make. Why would she think she, “should” have more privilege than someone else? Why would she think I, or she — would have a “right” to take “equality” away from anyone else, just because we can? What give us such privilege to even think so?

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Years after that day, I was tested again. I was desperate. So desperate and helpless because life was so hard after a big betrayal by one of my family members that ripped my world apart. I felt helpless and corned. I wanted to take the easy way out. Throw out this “ridiculous” rigid list of principles and values that restricts and dictates me to make choices that are so hard. That makes me — Me. A person who even the Gods seems to obviously “hate and seek to torture for their amusement”.

No matter what I do, I cannot seem to make the “right” choice. Being “right” means people are not listening and is now suffering the consequences of the fate I warned them against. Being “wrong” means someone or everyone I love will hate me for doing something they cannot understand nor do — To save them from a much worst faith than the one they are experiencing if I choose to do nothing.

Therefore, I felt so alone. Everyone who should love me, hates me. It is one thing to be willing to sacrifice yourself for others. Another, to be so unappreciated that the people you love think nothing of offering you up as sacrifices. Straight up tell you that your life worth less. Therefore, it should be your duty to give it up so that those who have more can be protected. Can keep their privileges and ignorance. People who are so spoiled by their own sense of entitlement to that word “love” they believe they “deserve”. That they taught me they “deserve” and that I must give.

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Coming from a world of complete love. I did not understand that the higher definition of “love” and this realm definition of it are so different. That not everyone in this realm understands the higher definition of the term they throw around so easily. Until I remember the higher definition of “love” and learned this world’s definition of “hate”. I did not understand the difference, hence I allowed myself to be taught to give all my power away to those who taught me they can have it.

At that time, I was thinking if how my family treated me is called “love”, then the Gods must have “hated” me to put me here. To cornered and torture me into giving up. Since no one I love — Loves me enough to be bothered to appreciate my effort — or to care if I live or die. Then I must be doing something horribly wrong. Because of “love” I have had to crush my own heart repeatedly — To do what needed to be done for those I need to save. Yet, to have people who give birth to me and my own bloodied siblings. People who taught me the definition of “love” and its obligation.

People who the old template taught me — I should love and who should love me. To have them teach me that they deserve and is entitled to my love no matter what. In my innocent and naïve youth, being completely lost in a world I am taught is mine, but I feel I do not belong. Wanting to “fit in” I embraced and anchor myself to what I am taught. Thus, allowed my soul to be massacred by those who are blind to their own ignorance.

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Can you imagine what it is like to have everyone you love, turn against you? To have your parent feeding lies to your siblings because they do not know how to parent — the children they gave birth to. Thus, to make their life easier, they shift all their responsibilities to their first born. They taught one child she is responsible for all the mistakes her siblings choose to make. While teaching the other siblings (all close in age) that she is too “crazy” for trying to “parent” them, so they should not listen to her? Then beat her for her sisters’ bad choices.

They also take all the credit for being “good parents” when things go well. But when things go “bad”, and their ego and pride is questioned. They blame her for being a “bad” example and accused her of being the cause of her sisters’ bad choices. Behind her back they used her success in achieving their expectations — to “rub” in her siblings faces to try to reverse “psychology” them and gain trust. They do so in exchange to come out as the “cool, loving parent”, while ignoring the consequences to the elder child who is totally unaware of what is going on.

For years that same child, completely lost as to why everyone hated and accused her of being this horror person that they see her as. (A fact I unintentionally only just discovered recently in 2020.) Every argument and every fight (and there were lots) left me feeling so confused and alone. Because even when I was asked to help someone mediate for their rights to be heard. Midway through the argument, the people who have asked. Would switch to side with their opponent because it is easier — to side with someone who is like you. Than someone who speak logic, rationality, and wisdom you have yet to understand.

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Can you imagine what it is like to not understand why you are so hated growing up, for doing your best to love and take care for those you were told, you are to love? While they hate you because of lies fed to them to counter your effort — All so an unmindful someone can look “good” on the surface while ignoring their responsibilities?

Do you know what it is like to have people who means the world to you hated you for reason you are unaware of? What it is like to have them wish you were dead to your face or pray that you should never be born? All while you are trying to save them from themselves. Also, while protecting an innocent baby, from the same ignorant people that causes you to bleed dry with their selfishness and ignorance?

Do you know what it is like to grow up having no one you can turn to? Having siblings who consider you an enemy all because they cannot understand you. Having one parent who you are taught is supposed to love you. Think nothing of eagerly and proudly, offering up your life as if it means nothing? While the other parent think nothing of damning your soul to the deepest level of Hell? All while you are trying to save them all from the pit, they have ignorantly thrown themselves into.

The word “love” has made me a salve to it and allowed everyone who taught me they are entitled to it. To massacre my soul until the wounds bled out and I cannot feel the pain anymore. Do you know what it is like to helplessly and respectfully forced to step back and watch (at the request of those you love) as they choose to walk mindlessly off a cliff that you can clearly see, and they cannot? Watch them drown themselves repeatedly until they can longer be saved anymore?

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Not knowing who I was back then, not knowing why I have the abilities I have. The only thing I could do — was resented my power and my abilities. Which I believe were the reasons that forced me to be me and allowed me to be that pathetic ignorant fool who keep loving. Who keep reaching out to try to save people who chooses not to be saved. Save people who try to drown me and everyone else along with them. I resented my abilities because I did not see the “good” in having abilities that allowed me to be this helpless against the cruelty of such ignorance.

What good are abilities that allows me to be principled by laws of a higher realm — That I did not believe (at the time) understands the hardship of this world I am currently existing in. What good are high principles and values when your life and the lives of those you love were in danger? I thought it was my “pride” that created those values and principles. So, I should swallow it and do what I believe is the only way I can “see” out of our current situations.

I mean if I am a no body, and no one even care if I live or die. Selling myself to get a break, is not a bad “choice.” I would not put my best friend (the only person who seem to love me in the whole universe) in danger. While giving myself and one of my family members, a “true” escape route from the consequences left behind by another family member.

It is during this time that I begin to realize for sure there is something larger than life governing me. There are many unusual and extraordinary situations that confirms this awareness all throughout my life. But during this time, the seed of destiny has blossomed into something that I can no longer bypass. It has begun to define itself. But long before that it has already started.

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The seed of conscious awareness of those higher principles and values, started that day with my cousin and childhood friends when I was 9. When I ignored my higher knowing, and knowingly allowed my friend to take advantage of a situation to manipulate us to push my cousin away.

I learned much later from this incident: one cannot change someone else, only oneself. You cannot dictate others actions, reactions, and beliefs. For others to change — you must change your approach, reactions, or actions towards them. Thus, since I cannot tell other people how to be, I must be the person they needed me to be.

To do what I can for them; I need to act the way they needed me to; in order for them to react. For them to see what they needed to see, so they can learn what they needed to learn. Sometimes that means ripping out my own heart so that I can save theirs (or ourselves, in the long run). Complete higher love taught me that you have not truly love. If you do not understand when it is right to sacrifice the concept “love” to do what is right by it.

Like two sides of a coin, every lesson has two results. A lesson in pain can punch us to the depth of hell or allow us to soar above the heavens. Who we are is how we choose to accept and perceive those lessons we are being taught. The higher power can mercilessly test us to bring out our true nature. But it is the choice we choose in the end that decide who we are. I thank the people in my life for being who they are — so I can be who I am.

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Side Note: I have removed and added and removed many times some of the more painful examples I gave from my personal life. Because I believe people should not be immortalize through words for the “wrongs” they have made in trying to coop with the life they are given. So, they can learn what they need to learn. But it is hard to try to articulate the deep level of understanding I am trying to share without some examples. Hence, I share it, but please note. I hold no grudges against people who are trying to learn to be better. I thank them for helping me remember who I am. For helping me be who I am here to be. They needed to be who they are so I can be who I am. For that I am deeply grateful.

I share my scars to help you understand that I can understand yours. But please do not use my examples to make judgements on those in my life. They have suffered a lot themselves, before passing that suffering onto me. Because of them, I was able to learn what I needed to learn. That is an achievement they have accomplished. Hence, I hope they will be remembered not for the wounds they have caused. But for their contribution to my journey into being who I am here to be. I humbly thank them for their part in helping source and my higher teams, to teach me the lessons I needed to learn. Also, for their championship.