ASR: B9: Chapter 5: Love Can Be Accepting But Cannot Be Blind.
After coming to the full realization of how truly different I really am; I begin to fear and resent my abilities, my uniqueness, and the spiritual presences that have been my companion since that fateful day, when time first stopped.
With maturity and wisdom, I come to appreciate it. But before that wisdom came to be, the road was long, twisted, and full of potholes. I fell too many times. The pain conditioned me to learn new bad habits. I have made mistakes that I cannot take back, and even if I could, I would not. Because those mistakes shape and form the path that led me here, to the person I am today.
It was through my childhood friend and my action one day while my cousin was visiting that I saw how ugly I have the potential to become. I know my friend have always been jealous of my cousin. I will not bore you with the fine details of what happened. But I can say that it was an insignificant event that scars deep regrets in me till today.
At the time, it was an accident that my cousin injured me. I cried out and my friend, jumped at the chance to push her out of our favors by using this event as a point of attack. I would like to believe she did it because she cared about me and wanted to find justice for me. But the fact that I know it was not the only motive, taught me a big lesson I still regret till this day.
The pain I felt radiated from my cousin as she followed me around trying to explain that she did not mean to hurt me. Begging for my understanding while I disgustingly rejected her effort because of my selfish need to fit in. I fake ignorant to the truth I know. I allowed my friend to take advantage of the situation; allowed her to twist it to be uglier than it really was. I allowed my selfishness to hurt someone who truly loves me and was so important to me — All so that I do not have to be alone or different.
This is the ugliest memories I have ever had of my childhood. I have experienced, to many others, the most horrific deeds of humanity all before I was five. Before I even got on that two-meter boat of 55 people and known rapist, murderers, and thieves. I have known acts of deception and betrayal that have traumatized the adults I know. I have also experienced uglier deeds before I reach this point in my life — but none uglier than that day.
That day the look in my cousin’s eyes when she looked into mine — stopped time again. It has been years since it has done so — a reminder, I guess. Since it has been so long ago that I almost forgot it is real. I felt her pain, her helplessness when no one believe her when she tries to defend herself. Her bitterness at the betrayal; and I felt disgusted with myself because it was I that started it.
If I spoke up and said it was not a big deal, my friend would not have the opportunity to manipulate the situation to her advantages. If I stood up to for my cousin instead of choosing my sister’s and friend’s side; because I did not want to feel left out when she leaves. If, I also did not cruelly block out my cousin’s pain because I held a petty resentment. If my action were not driven by an ego-base need to show one of them what it feel like to be shunned for telling the truth — I would not be haunted by regrets till this day. But this regret is part of the reason I am the person I am today.
I have tried to apologize to my cousin after she left later, but it was too late. Though, I cannot take back what I have done, and even if I could…I would not — because it was a defining moment of my life. To my cousin, my sincere, deepest apologies and greatest gratitude for the lesson she suffered so that we both can learn what we needed to learn. To my friend, my sincere gratitude for highlighting the weaknesses that I did not realize I had — And the mistake I did not realize I need to correct.
I learned many lessons that day. The most important are:
1) Love can be accepting but cannot be blind.
2) Pain and suffering are cycles that never ends, but with wisdom it can be contained — at one. You hurt me, and I hurt someone else. Then that person then hurt someone else. Because of the pain that was passed on from you — to me, and then to them. It is continuous and destructive like a virus; from one person to five, then to 25 and so on. Pain and suffering can start and stop at us. It all depends on the choices and the actions we choose to exercise.
3) Ignorance can also make an innocent act a destructive weapon of pain and suffering. So be mindful and thoughtful in your actions and the rippling effect you choose to send out into the world.
Being able to feel is the best and worst part of being alive. People can find hundreds of ways to hurt us. But there are only two actions we can take: One accept the pain, learn the lessons, and let it go — let it stops at us. Or, two, be consumed by it and let it spread onward to others. Create an endless cycle by teaching our pain and suffering onto others and let them teaches theirs–to more others.
How we choose to perceive and accept our lessons in pain dictate the ripples effect that spread from us to those around us and into the pool of life. Only we can choose how it circulate, so take a moment to be mindful and aware.
I decided that day when I was nine, that never again will I compete for affection. I learned that day that if my best is not good enough for someone. Then, they should not be in my life, and I should not be in theirs. This lesson was hit home again years later after the big betrayal from everyone I was told I am obligated to love. They taught me to realize people who wants more than I can give, is too selfish to realize and appreciate the values of anything I can offer.
Thus, does not know how to truly love me. So, no matter how much I give they will always demand more. Because they do not know how to appreciate any effort I make. I was taught then that no one is entitled to expect anything more from me, than what I have already am willing to give of myself. Therefore, continuously trying to make them happy — is bound to hold us both back from the lessons we are both supposed to learn.
I learn too from those events with my cousin, family members, and (false) “twin flame”. That if someone choose not to be my strength — I will not let them be my weakness. Being blessed with higher complete love, taught me that “love” is more than just a word, anyone can say. More than just a subject, we can be educated about. More than just a topic with clear obligations someone can engrave into us, and we can follow to achieve the result we desire. Higher love is a state of existence. It cannot be defined by words, only by experiences.
I believe it is the greatest honor to have someone in our life willing to stand by us, to walk with us as a companion. To accept us as we are. What they are willing to give is precious and priceless. Be grateful because they do not have to. What they cannot give should not be hold against them.
Who are we to demand something from someone else? What makes us worth it? Deserve it? The word “love” is not deed to an automatic entitlement to demand more from the person who loves us. Or who we are giving our love to. “Friendship” is also a word that does not give us a right to ask for anything more than what is offered.
Traditions and society taught us the false illusions that we need someone to prosper and not be “lonely” and “alone”. Being taught that being “alone” is sigma as a “looser” and makes us “strange”. We are viewed as being not good enough for someone else — “unhappy”, “a failure”, “depress”, “lonely, or “too weird” to be accepted by others. I know this because for years I feel the pressure of others’ expectations. The pressure of traditions and old templates that dictates what a woman needs and must have to be complete.
For a long time, I let others’ expectation became my own. I let them mold me into someone who I did not want to be. I am grateful for the experiences because I have learned so much. However, for others who are unaware of the lessons underlining their circumstances and have not come into their power. The old template programming of their society and culture can be very disempowering to their journey to individual freedom.
Just know, we are NEVER alone, just because we do not have a physical companion it does not mean we are abandoned and alone. Our creator and guides are always with us. Being “alone” has its benefits too: We hear better. We see better. The things that we often miss while always being in the crowd and distracted by influences, options, opinions — And trying to keep up with expectations.
Be respectful, listen to what others have to say and teach you — Learn from them, but love yourself and do not let anyone dictate who you are or who you should be.
Side Note: To genuinely understand higher complete love, you must learn to not be defined by the word “love” itself. Nor be defined by your attachments to the concepts that arise from the word itself — because of old programming. Do not get addicted to its associated terms either. Terms such as “true love”, “soulmate”, and “twin-flame”. Do not let the over-romanticizing of those terms binds you to someone who will keep you weak. Who makes you half of your true self.
Source did not make you half, by giving you two legs to stand steady on your own. Did not give you two hands to do and accomplish things for yourself. Nor two eyes and two brain to be all you can be. Hence, do not sit around waiting to be whole and neglect all that you are here to be. You are already whole. You just need to realize that by finding yourself upon this journey call “life”.