ASR: B1: Chapter 3: Why do we suffer?

CHAPTER 3: Why do we suffer?

If we are not taught to want more than we need. Half our sins do not need to be committed and is unnecessary. We would not be wasteful because we would only take and create only what is needed. We would not be envious of others because we are satisfied with what we have, instead of wanting more. We would not judge or discriminate because we would not look around and compare.

Why do we suffer?

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For a very long time I have asked myself this question. Many people who grew up with me and knows me well have asked me this same question as well. I know everyone has a story, but in my circle, the glaring differences between my life and the lives of others around me are glaringly obvious. I am not a “bad” person, in fact many have thought I am “too good to be true” so they do not understand why the taught “Law of Karma” does not apply to me.

By this “law”, others are taught kindness is awarded, but I learn that it always come with a price. I did not understand for the longest time the reason why I have always had to face “punishment” for every thoughtful and selfless act I express. The “punishment” sometimes is a clear choice even before I choose to exercise my actions. Yet, I still choose to do so, because it is ingrained into my soul as what must be done. It is higher instinct that I must do what needed to be done, but after being taught this way of thinking I notice a trend and started wondering if “God” had a personal vendetta against me.

I mean I am not “perfect”, but I am not a “bad” person. For example: In high school, I hate being late for school, but one time I stopped by a convenience store on my way to school to grab something. The cashier overpaid me by a quarter or a nickel. I made it all the way to school before I realized it, but I turned and ran all the way back to return it. The store owner was surprised that I returned it, but I did not think anything of it, because it is what should be done.

Yes, I hate being late, but taking stuff that is not meant to be mine is something that my soul cannot allow me to do. A quarter is nothing to some people, but if everyone is ok with the act of taking a quarter from the same store owner regardless of the consequences. We can cause a rippling effect of hardship that we disregard because we did not think our initial act matters. A quarter or a million, it matters not what the value it holds to you. All it matters is that it holds values to the person you took it from. Also, your initial decisions and actions can set precedence for your later actions. Today it is a quarter, tomorrow it could be someone’s life saving; or the only means they have for them feed a whole family. Would you like it if the role were reserved?

To me returning that quarter is not about doing what is “right” or “wrong”. It is about what should be. If it is not mine, it should not belong to me. It is as simple as that. Also, I know what it is like to have someone takes things from me that I needed, so I know not to do it to someone else. This is the kind of person that I am, yet nothing in my life seem to ever go smoothly.

Helping someone to right an injustice, result in me being suddenly homeless; giving someone a break they so desperately asked for, resulted in my life being shattered. Protecting a helpless child resulted in curses, scorn, and prayer for my death. If I want something, anything, big or small, it will be given to someone else around me who I know. Whom then in turn, does not care for it; and like having salt rubbed into my wounds, they abuse it until it is broken beyond repair. I know that if it were given to me, I would have cherished it with all my heart and soul, yet it was not given to me. Always, since I was a child, this happened. But I hold no resentment or envy towards anyone, because I learned young to accept the things in life as it happened. I see life’s challenges as surprise tests that promote the mind and enriches the soul with higher learning.

However, because I am human, existing in a plan overcrowded by peers. It is hard to ignore the influences of others; the lessons taught by environment and culture. I do not see things the way others see it, but eventually I begin to see from the perspective that was taught to me by others. As I aged, what I was taught as “fair” and “deserving” taught me to learn to compare, thus, taught me standards, status, prejudice, and discrimination. Taught me bitterness and resentment, but most importantly — it taught me to questions what I was taught. “Why is God so unfair?” “So, blinded?” “Why is He making us suffer like this?” “What have I done wrong?” “What have some of us done wrong to deserve this kind of punishment?” “Why are there so many “bad” people with such obvious “rewarding” life?”

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When you are taught that you exist solely as a form of punishment, and that you are not good enough, even though you were created so. With life being mistaught as unfair and inferior to other state of existence; we then learn through despair to live it as a mean to an end. When you live life not as a gift, but as a mean to an end, our existence makes no sense. God — makes no sense. Life is not worth fighting for.

Thus, I tried a few years back to hate “God” because I believed that he was blind — but I could not. Because I have been on the receiving end, once too many times, of unfair and unjust accusation. I could not bring myself to blame or accuse anyone without just cause and facts to back me up — even someone who cannot speak back.

Initially, when I needed someone to blame and vent at — “God” was the ideal target. God does not speak back, nor respond, nor react to my outburst. I would not run into “God” in my circle of friends nor bump into “God” on the street. So my tantrum and moment of embarrassing patheticness can go un-address with no consequences.

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It was one October day in 2014, that I tried to convince myself that I hated “God”. That it was all God’s fault that my life is so messed up. Unlike other people I have lived with hard questions my entire life. Questions that taunt, haunt, and beg me to find the answers so that it can bring back a missing part of me. A missing part that I have left me vulnerable, insecure, and very frustrated in my everyday existence. I have tried to search for answers, but every path I turned to is a roadblock. This makes me feel as if I am only created to suffer.

Because my life is so chaotic and because I have been stripped down to nothing once too many times. For a majority of my life, I just live for the moment. I do not make goals, big or small, because after years upon years of having it shredded before my eyes. Even the simplest and tiniest of every day goals were almost impossible to achieve. Thus, I do not see a point in hurting myself more by making any. I do not indulge in wants or needs anymore, because for much of my life so far; I have had nothing, but salt rubbed into my wounds.

Thus, it made me live life in stoic accept of everything that happens to me. Being numb to inspiration and desire due to all my effort yielding nothing but more pain and hardship in every direction I turn. Trapped within my circumstances, with only the sole knowledge that life is a gift — not a punishment. I pushed forward, taking one small step at a time, regardless of the cuts and beating inflicted upon me. Soul ripping pain was the only constant in my life since I was a child, yet every day I found reasons to smile at the thought of being here in this life.

Love, the gift of complete love, higher love, from a world I have forgotten, allowed me to endure, tolerate, and will myself to move forward each day. But the “Love” I was taught here in this realm is different from the one that I know and understand. Because of that it is also the reason why my soul was massacred at some stages of my life to the point where there are no more room to scars, and the cuts are so deep that they do not bleed anymore.

At twenty-five my soul was mutilated by life to the point where I thought it was beyond repairs. While everyone around me is growing, prospering, and moving forward. Earning the rights to be confidents and becoming strong individuals. While they celebrate material success and learning the “freedom” of life, this is the facts I have learned: cuts can only go so deep; scars can only get so ugly. Blood can only be spilled so much, and pain can only last so long before you cannot feel it anymore. At this time, while others are dreaming of grand dream for the future; I am living on the single hope that one day I will learn to smile again; because I know that life is a gift not a punishment as I was taught to believe.

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Did you know that tears of the soul can leave physical scars upon your face?

At 32, that is what I learned. Just as soon as I learned to smile again, all my reasons and all purposes in life is stripped from me once again. Again, the basic of basic human essentials are stripped from me. I stopped feeling any sort of emotions because it was tortured out of me. Stripped of everything but existing, I should have given up on life. But I am a fighter, so instead of giving up. I came to realize a few things.

Among what I realize are answers to questions I have been asking my entire life. One of those question is: Why do we suffer?

Here is my answer.

We suffer because we crave it. We crave pain and suffering because we want to learn from the lessons it can teach us. We are here to learn. Pain is one of life’s most valuable tools to teach us some of the most important wisdom we cannot learn otherwise. We crave it because we seek to advance. Seek to understand the things we need to learn. But when we do not know why we crave what we do; we allow those cravings to rule us and become an addiction. By not knowing the reason behind our craving and how to satisfy it; we do not know when to say it is enough and to discipline ourselves. Thus, we continue to indulge and allow those craving to further develop into destructive level. Resulting in our addiction for destruction, suffering, and the need for violent and pain.

Thus, we suffer when we have too much, we suffer when we think we do not have enough. We suffer because we cannot see beyond us to understand the bigger picture. We suffer because we hang on to things that does not matter. We suffer because we want things that does not belong to us. We suffer because we chase after concepts and illusions of grandeur. We suffer to live up to expectations that others set out for us. We suffer because we learn from others to do so.

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We suffer because we want more than we need. Personally, after a long brutal journey, I came to realize that suffering is a gift.

Here is why I suffered: I suffer so that I can appreciate myself better. I suffer so that I can understand you better. I suffer so that I can understand our creator better. I suffer so I can learn compassion, to empathize, and sympathizes with those I encounter along my journey. I suffer so I can understand how much you suffer, so that I can know how to forgive you the crime you committed against me while you are hurting or suffering. I suffer so that I can understand firsthand what pains feels like, so that I know not to spread it so carelessly. I suffer to understand the values of what I am given and to know how to appreciate it properly.

I suffer so that I can encounter you without judgments. I suffer to be your equal. I suffer so that I understand how much you love me. I suffer to understand the value of that love and the gift of our encounter. I suffer to remember the important lessons I was taught. I suffer so I can understand true unconditional love; so that I can realize how much our creator must love us, to create us so. I suffer to grow and ascend. I suffer to earn the wisdom to understand the value of this journey to my immortal existence. I suffer to know where the problems lies so that I can fix it. I suffer to define suffering.

All I had to do to stop suffering is to: Stop loving, stop feeling, stop believing, stop hoping, stop understanding, stop caring, and to stop seeing what I was meant to see. To be a little less selfless, a little more selfish. A lot, lot more greedy, ignorant, and inconsiderate. That is all I have to do to stop suffering, but I am cursed or blessed to be unable to do so. I still cannot decide if I am cursed or blessed yet. I think it is both. For only when truly cursed to suffer, can I finally define and understand the true meaning of being blessed.

I suffer, you suffer, but there will always be someone out there who is suffering more than us. Because of my personal knowledge and experience in suffering, that I finally realize how grateful and lucky I am that I did not suffer worst. To all those who suffer worse than I — I thank you, for the lessons that you taught me by suffering the lessons that you needed to learn. For one person alone cannot experience all the lessons that life have to offer. I thank you, for sharing your pains, knowledge, experiences, and wisdom. I thank you, for allowing me to learn from you instead of having to go through it personally.

I have been taught to realize through all my sufferings that when we are suffering, we should not see it as a punishment. Because it is not, we should see it as the higher power giving us grace and attention. For we would not suffer if our creator did not care. It is because our creator cares that we are suffering. For some of us, only when we suffer do, we pay attention to the lessons we are meant to learn. Pains hit homes and scars important lessons into our soul that highlights our achievements. The higher power knows who we are and understands our capabilities. Only because the higher power wants us to ascend above ourselves will we be tested and pushed to surpass our fear and limitation.

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Ask yourself, do you disciple your children because you hate them? Or is it because you love them too much to want to see them go through the same pain, to achieve the wisdom you now know? We try to protect all our loved ones from the same experiences or give them the protection we did not have. We know they must learn on their own, but it is too hard to watch those you love suffering. So, we create rules and teaching tools, hoping to prepare them early to learn fast what took us years to do so.

We think our children should not suffer the fate we did and that is why we are appointed their guardian into this world. However, true wisdom can only be taught through experiences not told. It is why we choose to send ourselves on this educational journey through life. Life is a boarding school where we are taught what we cannot learn under the love and protection of our parents’. Because they love us too much to teach us what we needed to learn for ourselves. Love us too much to push us more than we want to be pushed. Love us too much to see us suffer or to suffer themselves our hate by being “cruel” to us. Thus, we volunteered to be here at this boarding school where: we are not always given what we want, but always given what we need.

Learning to recognize this wisdom is one of the reasons why we are here. Yes, I have suffered, but if given a chance to redo anything over, I choose not to. It is because I have suffered that I understand to be appreciative of what I am given. To all those who have hurt me, I thank you for teaching me the lessons I needed to learn. To all those that love me, I thank you for being the strength that I needed to be who I am. For giving me the courage to learn and endure my ordeals. Without either, I would not be who I am today.

To all those I have hurt, I sincerely, apologize that you must endure my unrealized flaws, inexperience, shortcoming, and lack of judgement. I apologize that you were hurt because of me. I cannot take back what I have said or done. But I can promise to try a little harder to be a better person each day because of what I did to you. Thank you, sincerely, for helping me realize I can be a better person than I thought I was before our encounter. I am a better person today then I was the day before because of you. Thank you!

We are not all here to suffer, but we are all here to learn. I have learned so much in the past 37 years of my life and for that I thank the higher powers for being the guardians I need and not the guardians I want. Because of them I am the person I am today. A person that understands the differences between being spoiled rotten and being completely love.

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Never forgets that life is a journey of dreams. It is a privilege not a punishment.