God, Are You Worthy?

I don’t ask to provoke; I don’t ask out of disrespect. I don’t ask to challenge. I only ask on behalf of all those who are worst off than I? I KNOW I am blessed, even as I am experiencing mind-numbing pain emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually as I am writing this. I know I am blessed compared to others out there experiencing much worst. I know; therefore, I am grateful. But I must ask because I can no longer justify my respect for the reasons behind all that I have went through. The reasoning behind all that I have witnessed, and for all those who are too afraid to ask. Too afraid to voice the questions in fear of damnation.

I ask because you made it my duty to do so. I ask on behalf of all the children who are born into poverty, into abusive conditions, into horrifying physical, emotional, and mental challenging situations. I ask for all those who just cannot seem to catch a break like my nephew, like the people I support, and like myself. Are you worthy? Source? God? Allah? Higher Power, whatever you allow us, to call you by. Are you worthy of our love and devotion? Of our trust and respect? Of our faith?

Mind-numbing pain is something I have gotten used to by now. Death is no longer a threat nor is soul damnation or existence. Therefore, it prompts me to ask this question: Are YOU worthy of us? To trust, to believe, to respect, and to fear in a higher power is a privilege for those who have something to lose. But when you have nothing to lose? Then what?

I don’t understand, why is being a decent person so hard in this world? Why must the systems here and its Gods seek to punish me for being the person they taught, templated, and teach each other and themselves to thrive to be?

What is so wrong with being a strong person, what is so wrong with being a kind person? What is so wrong with being genuine, honest, caring, and loving? What is so wrong with being indiscriminative, open-minded, and benevolent?

If you had read my book “A Spiritualist’s Record:”[i] You will know that I am the kind of person who don’t give a damn about Heaven. And Hell, is something I’ll deal with when I get there. If that is my destined path, so be it. Therefore, I have no pretense in being the genuine person I am. I have no need for recognition or rewards, be that of this realm or the higher realm. To me, this moment, this experience…is enough. I have no desire to leave legacies, nor do I seek mythical rewards for when my time here is done.

All I want is the right to be free to be me. To be someone who bring love, joy, happiness, and light into the lives of those I encounter. Someone who can freely give someone a hand and trust — that in return, I wouldn’t be taken advantage off. Or get my hand cut off because people cannot resist their basics nature. Someone who can freely show the world her true heart and soul without being treated like a dangerous alien that needs to be dissects to see if I am true to who I am.

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Of all people in this world, I should have complete trust, believe, and faith in the higher power. Extraordinaire and profound spiritual experiences are the norm in my life. So, it should not be hard for me to trust, to respect, to believe, and to have faith in the higher power. However, I have been taught and LEARNED to distrust, to disbelieve, to lose hope, to disrespect, and to lose faith in the higher power through my journey in this life. Through my personal life experiences and being a witness to a lot of the unnecessary suffering. I started off with complete trust, but learned to start asking questions of the Gods I was taught to know.

I know the higher reasonings and answers to why the “Gods” forces a baby to suffer unimaginable pain being born to parents who are irresponsible and selfish. Or into a world that is cruel and merciless to the pure and vulnerable. Yes, I know. But I can no longer respect it. My soul accepts, understands, and even empathize, and sympathize with the higher wisdoms behind the reasoning for how things are. Because it is from a higher realm, but my physical self — needs more physically just answers to unlearn and balance out what it has been taught as another “truth” it cannot deny, due to experiences as its backing.

I have been beaten so badly just for being genuinely me, that I LEARNED to be afraid and have lost even the courage to hope. Is it fair to beat someone who just want to be a decent person, so badly that they are forced to LEARN to be afraid to even HOPE? That the thought of hoping and making another effort is too traumatic to even think it? I was taught through painful experiences after painful experiences to want to crease to exist — Not because I am spoiled and unappreciative. But because I am the opposite. I am mindful, aware, appreciative, and grateful to a flaw. As the events in my life taught me, it seems like it is a crime to be so. The countless hardships I endure throughout my life is a just sentence I deserve for the crime I have committed by being the person I cannot help being — Someone decent. Someone honest. Someone genuine. Someone who cares.

I was taught I deserve my sentence, while constantly rubbing in my face all the crimes that others can get away with for being mindless and hurtful, just because they can. Why bother hoping and TRYING if you are just going to be beaten down again by a higher force that you can’t fight against, right? Tell me, is genuinely caring about others really a crime deserving of constantly living in pain from lack and hardship? Is being mindful and caring about the impact and damages we do to the world we exist in so unforgivable? Is it fun to see people crack and loose themselves and become another example of horrific tragedies?

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Repeatedly, I have been cracked open and have my inside leaked out to prove that I am as genuine as I show. Why is it not enough to earn me a permanent break? Why am I constantly forced to conflict with myself? Making decisions and taking actions that others rarely even want to think about? Even when they must think about it, they have a choice not to have to make the decision I was forced to make.

Again, to trust, to believe, to respect, and to fear in a higher power is a privilege for those who have something to lose. But when you have nothing to lose? Nothing to fear and only examples and experiences that taught you to doubt and re-question. You start to see the bigger pictures. You ask many questions to bring awareness to what has been sweep under the rug by those who has the privilege to ignore their duty and responsibilities to others and to the higher law.

When the higher law can’t be reinforced and many have gotten away with horrific crimes, why try to be a decent person I ask. I ask because I have been directed to do so. Even though my soul knows many of the answers with clarity. But living in this physical realm where solid evidence is needed. I am having a hard time holding onto my trust, respect, faith, and believe that what I know deep down is true.

When you have an excessive collection of physical experiences of the opposite of what you know as higher truths. When you are also a constant witness to many examples that confirms that “physical truth”. How can I not have doubts? Have mistrust in the higher truth I know? When 8 out of 10 people think and see things the same way, and there is only me and one other person who see things differently. How can I trust my truth is “real” over theirs? I can’t help wondering if I am delusional when it comes to my trust, believe, and respect for the higher power? Have I been making excuses for an unworthy higher power just because I want to continue living in my illusions?

I hurt, Source. I hurt so badly it is hard to breathe sometimes. EVERYTHING hurts. Existing hurts. When I am shaking with pain from bleeding wounds from all directions: emotionally, mental, physical, and spiritually. How can you expect me to continue to believe, to have faith, and to trust you? I want to have faith, want to believe, and want to trust, but I have learned now that I can’t. The constant pain reminded me that I should not. Not because I don’t want too, but because I have experiences that taught me not to do so.

I accept the B.Ses of life, I accept the answers I am given, and I understand it, but can’t respect it. Respect you. I am trying. A stupid part of me is still naïve, still innocent, and pure enough to speak up and speak out in defend of your wisdom, in defend of your positions and higher reasoning. But the part that hurts cries out for justice. For fairness. Couldn’t embrace the path you have designed for me to take; because I can’t trust that I wouldn’t be passing that pain onto someone else and continue this endless cycle of suffering.

Being someone who have held an innocent child in her arms with physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual wounds that are so horrendous that it makes your soul bleed just looking at the sight. How can I not question your worth? Question the injustices in this world and the moral laws that the people of this world taught me they respect — only in pretend? They preach it, but they don’t practice it. I know the higher reason why we must suffer. I have respect, I have accepted, I have understood, and I have trusted the higher reasoning behind the higher design. But I can no longer do so without more physical examples that say otherwise to offset what I have experienced so far.

Source, I don’t know why you put so much effort in forcing me onto this path, this role, this position that you have designed for me. I truly deeply appreciate all the efforts my higher teams and you, have done for me. Words is not enough to describe how deeply grateful I am. But my experiences here have taught me to doubts, taught me to mistrust, and to lose faith in you and in myself. As someone who cares deeply for others. As someone you trust with the power you have shown me, I cannot accept the kind of responsibilities that comes along with it lightly.

You’ve shown me that I am worthy. But are you? Can I trust your intention? Again, I don’t ask out of disrespect. I ask because I care. I care how my decisions, actions, and reactions will affect others. I care because I have seen and experienced enough pain and suffering to know that I cannot afford to be mindless, and unaware of how I use the power you entrusted to me. Therefore, I request that you take actions to prove your worth. Demand you unteach and undo the wrongs that taught me to mistrust, disbelieve, and loose faith in the you I came into this world knowing. To EARN back that rights to be an entity I can trust, respect, believe, and have faith in. I now know my mission, I understand it. But I wouldn’t take up my position because I can’t trust you will have my back. Nor trust what I know is the truth I need to live by.

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I don’t want to be another victim of life. You design my life to serve humanity, but I ask, why should I? From the tragic past experiences of people who have came to help humanity advanced, from Jesus to Nikola Tesla, and other masters like them. Why should they pay the price they did to advance humanity?

The questions that we have been taught to ask ourselves and our fellow peers since the existence of Religion and spirituality: Are you worthy? Am I worthy? Are WE worthy of the higher up? Our Gods, of source…etc. But has anyone ever asked if our “God” or Source is worthy of us? Of our believes, our faith, our devotion, and our trust in it.

If you read my book, “A Spiritualist’s Record: The Roadmap Back To The Beginning” and got to know me. Got to know my journey into this “physical” spiritual path. You’ll know that the spiritual path is not a choice I had. It was a choice chosen for me long before I was born into this world. It is a path that the people and events in this world has taught me is not worth pursuing. But one I must. Destined to be a pioneer in this new world, in the mist of change and chaos, I can only learn from you, can only trust you to guide me. Therefore, I must ask my questions to get clarifications to stay true to my path.

My life is designed to force me to be a “spiritual” rebel. Be a rebel of this world’s spiritual and religious teachings and templates. I went through Hell and back again and again, so that I would questions and ask the question not many chooses to ask. Not many WANT to ask. Important questions that will revolutionize and teach others how to straighten out the corruptions that has made the Ascended Masters’ teachings into detrimental weapons, so that it will keep the corrupted in power.

My personal life and the life of a child I was forced to watch grow up — And all the innocent children out there, begs me to ask those questions. Beg me to demand justice and a physical answer the people of this realm can understand and accept.

I ask it not out of disrespect. I ask it not out of arrogant. I ask it because the half of my soul that is attached to this vulnerable body of flesh and bones. That hurts and bleed. Cries for justice. Not for myself, but for all those innocents and vulnerable people of the world. My spiritual half knows most of the answers to all the whys and know the purpose of why we are here. It UNDERSTANDS and ACCEPTS with compassion, empathy, and insights into the higher power’s positions as loving parents. As a teacher that wants to challenge and teaches its children/student lessons, the children need to know and learn so they can grow into the best version of themselves.

I ask this question source, for the little girl who wanted nothing for herself and prayed for the world to be a place with no more unnecessary suffering. For the woman who she becomes later, that was hurt so badly, she no longer knows how to feel pain…yet she still held that silly little girl’s wish for a better world for everyone, instead of asking for her own situation to be better.

I also ask for the baby boy whom since birth, suffered unimaginable soul-crushing pain yet still think of others. When he was asked why he did not ask for what he really wanted for Christmas one year. The answer he gave was that he didn’t want to ask for what he really wanted for Christmas from Santa; because he think what he wanted was too expensive. So, he was afraid if he asks for it, Santa wouldn’t have enough money to buy presents for all the other little kids too.

I ask because this same little boy at 5 years old passionately declare to me, he has a grand plan to solve our world’s environmental problem and save the earth when he gets older. I ask because I watched this child went through endless traumatic events after endless traumatic events in his short life. Adults have suicide for much less traumatic events. Yet, he spent most of his short life so far going through it.

My soul cries in despaired while it is forced to watch helplessly and powerlessly, as life set him up to fail again and again. Cornering him, imprisoning him within a life that tries to crush him to the point of crying out repeatedly for death now as a man. Source, God, whatever you want to call yourself. I ask why? Why are you so cruel, to that little boy and girl? And all those others little girls and boys out there who went through the same thing or worst? Is having a pure soul and a big heart that great a crime that we must be punished with a lifetime of endless pain and suffering?

For myself, I can understand, I can accept, I can forgive, I can empathize, and sympathize with your higher reasoning. But for that little boy who I am forced to watch as you beat the light and life out of his eyes, I must ask…are you worthy? Are you worthy to be my God, his God, their God?

To all those who think I am being disrespectful and ungrateful, who defend “God” for its actions against me and that little boy, and all those other children of the world who are experiencing worst than us. If you had read my book “A Spiritualist’s Record: The Roadmap Back To The Beginning,” you would know that having an over inflated ego full of false confident…is something I don’t have. This is due to almost a lifetime of being taught to constantly doubt and questions myself.

I write this article to let “God” and Source know that I understand my lessons. I get the messages now. I know my pure soul and big heart was my greatest flaws. Again and again, I was shown, we can’t always save people by pampering them with protections and spoiling them with endless support and easy “forgives”. I was shown that a pure soul and a big heart: are treasures that can’t be use, until it is cut by experiences and polished with wisdoms. I was taught to be afraid of my power, taught to be afraid because of templates created by the un-awakened minds of the people of this realm. I was taught to coward before fear and ignorant, even when I was shown I have the power to destroy or save a world if I so chooses.

I learned to fear myself because being human, taught me how weak and vulnerable I can be. Being weak, vulnerable, and fearful grounded me to wiser choices. Therefore, I understand my hardships, now understand my role and position. I am ready to take back my power. ALL of it…and more from Source. I take more not because I am greedy and corrupted. I take more because I will do what “God” can’t do alone. I take more so I can do more.

I take more not to save myself. I take more to do more for others like that little boy who Source wouldn’t let me protect. He is a scar that Source forcefully engraved into my heart and soul, so that I would never forget the results of what mindless corruptions can do. A reminder of the true roots of humanity’s problems, and what I am here to diagnose and treat.

A reminder that I am not here to honour the old templates of spirituality and religion. I am here to break it. The first ones I will break will be that spiritual beings should be indiscriminative benevolence and forgiving. That we should do nothing about the roots of the world’s problems, and lock ourselves away to bypass seeing truth, facing truth, and doing something about it. Because confronting the chaos that are happening and giving it attention will “lower our vibration.” A myth that continuously cycles “spiritual” teaching.

I was shown, I cannot be another example of benevolence to a fault. That I don’t need to take horrific abuse from the people I am here to help. That if need to, I can exercise “tough love.” Tough love means if the world needs a spank, so be it.

[i] A “Spiritualist’s” Record: The Roadmap Back To The Beginning”