ASR: B9: Chapter 1: The Weight Of Knowing

Just as some destined path and fate cannot be avoided. Because some events need to happen to trigger others to start or to end. Even with the wisdom and knowledge of why things need to happen the way they do. It is still soul-ripping to be the one to know, and yet unable to do anything to change an outcome.

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Can you imagine what it is like having to look upon your loved ones face, knowing that day they are destined to die? Can you really pretend to not know their faith? Looking them in the face knowing there is not a thing you can change? Can you really ignore the guilt of living with that knowledge day by day?

Can you honestly ignore the temptation to change what you know? Even knowing there will be bigger consequences. Because what is meant to be — will be. So, even if you can save them today; can you really decide what is best for them? If you know by your actions, they will only experience something much worst tomorrow — If today, does not happen the way it is meant to be — what will you do?

As you watch as they enter the road destined to be hit by a car heading straight for them. You think: How is this “free will”, when they do not know they have any options other than the one that lead them to where they are? They were not informed and had no idea the car suddenly lost control and is speeding down the path to encounter them, but you were. What do you do?

It is easy to turn your back on someone’s pain and pretend you did not see their tears. Or experience their suffering when you do not personally know them. But if it is someone you love with all your heart. It will tear you up inside to have the knowledge to change their fate — But is render helpless to the ability to do anything. Because “you cannot help someone who does not want to be help.” The ironic part about it all. Is that at the time, the person does not yet even know they would need help to be asking for it.

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I know everyone must make hard choices every day. Every choice we make have various possible outcomes. But unlike everyone, I sometimes do not have the luxury of having the end results and outcomes; as a possibility that I can hope to write off as an excuse for regrets.

When you are aware and informed something is a mistake and still does it — cannot be compared to someone who does something unintentionally to cause the mistake. Just as a word and an action cannot weight the same. Cannot be forgiven the same. A word is hurtful, but most time, you will get over it. Because there are lots of words and lots of ways to say it. An action will scar. Scars are hard to forget because there is always physical evident to remind you. Thus, words could be carelessly spoken, but actions need thorough thoughts and considerations.

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Coming from a world where words are meaningless, and actions is the only language of expression. It is not in my nature to stand by and watch people suffer when I know I can help them. Or at least, try to help them. But the learned fear of people’s reactions and their demand for “respect” forces me to sometimes stand-by. Standing by to observe, I realize that the fear of reactions, can keep people sometimes from doing what should be and what is needed.

Another realization is that we are too dependent upon the approval and reactions of others. So dependent that we would sometimes throw away reasoning to do what should be — to be liked. To feel connected we would cheaply surrender our rights for uniqueness. For individualism and our precious ability to choose, and make choices — over to someone else. Because of those reasons we suffer, and let others suffers, when we could have help stop it.

In contrast to the insistence accusations that I “love to rub it in,” “think I am smarter,” and “better than everyone else.” Standing by to observe due to the fear I am taught by the reactions of others; I grew terrified of “being right”. While people take pride in being able to say, “I told you so!” I live in fear of it. I prayed, I hoped, and would do everything I can think of to prove myself — “wrong”. Because to me, every “rights/confirmation” to what I know — Is not a point to celebrate; it is a weight upon my conscience.

It means someone is unnecessarily suffering more than they needed to. I might not be able to do anything in some cases, but I could have at least try. But I did not; because I am taught I should not. Being silent I can see clearly how much more damage my silent can be. Thus, the result of this book despite all my fears.

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Through many heartbreaking life trials, I have now learned that for me to help someone. They would have to be open to want my help and willing to help me — help them. For we cannot save someone from themselves. Just like trying to save someone from drowning. If we are not careful, the person we are trying to save — could end up drowning both us and themselves, in their panic and struggling.

Thus, I alone, do not have the power to change someone’s willed path. I can delay it. I have attempted this path a few times. So, I can say that we can spend all our time dedicated to trying to help someone. And still, would not make any progress in helping them — If they do not have the will to help themselves nor recognize and accept the help given them.

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Sometimes when proofreading what I have written, I feel genuinely conflicted and upset. Being someone who tried to live by her words. I feel like I am saying too much and worry I cannot live up to it. Also, that all my “talks” will turn me into just another “big talker” instead of the doer that I am. Because in compared to those in popular social media platforms; my life does not reflect me doing “MORE” to help the problems I pointed out. Thus, I felt guilty, pretentious, and at times, does not want to continue my effort with this book.

During the last almost 10 years, there is countless times where I feel unworthy of the words, I use to describe my journeys and myself. Times where I feel frustrated to tears, not because I have low self-esteem. Hence, feel all those feelings I felt. But because I believe “words” can sometimes makes you seem more than who you really are. I do not believe I am “more” than anyone. Therefore, I can only hope my words does make anyone feel any less than who they are — just because of the words I use to describe my experiences.

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I struggled with those feelings of guilt, pretentiousness, and unworthiness while writing. There are too many times, I want to “quit” this higher task I have been given. Until the answers to why I am not given the abilities to DO more came to me per “dreams”. To make it simple. The lessons are not mine to learn, the problem are not mine to fix. I cannot protect people from themselves. Protecting people from themselves will hinder their ability to learn the lessons they are supposed to learn. If their lessons are not learned. They cannot become more aware of what they are supposed to do — To become who they are meant to be.

Even if I can save one person from themselves. How can I, single-handedly save tens of thousands from the tens of thousands who choose to be arrogantly ignorant and irresponsible? When the well-being of the millions we want to save, depends on the “common sense “of the other millions who wants the total opposite — in a world that crave for destruction and death like an addiction — even God cannot save us all from our ourselves.

Because if He can, He would have done so already. We would not be here, among each other, instead of being by His side as a companion. But then again, why should we expect Him to save us? Especially, when He has equipped us with all the means to save ourselves — but we choose not to?

If we choose not to exert the effort for our own wellbeing — anyone else who attempts to try will just have their effort blocked, and experience backlash from us. Though, I do not believe in giving up when I know I can do something. But heartbreaking experiences of having tried — taught me that I am not here to change people’s will. We are all customized for the trials we are here to be tested on. It is not my role to pass your exam for you. I can tutor you, but the exam must be done by you.

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I used to believe I am supposed to help everyone — indiscriminately. Because I could do it, I should. I should use my abilities and put all my effort in helping and protecting those who “suffer” against the apparent “evil” they face. Because that is how I am taught I should think by the people of this world. Old-templated teaching about how a “spiritual” person “should” be and act. Taught me to see only the surface “evil.” Only the apparent problems. It also taught me that “evil” are all born from the depth of Hell and darkness.

Hence, not much that can be done against such being. This confused me. Because on the surface it makes “sense” why no matter what I do. I could not truly help those I needed to help. I was exhausted to the pointed that I could barely believe that there is anything in “Life” — In this realm and existence, worth fighting for. Why bother with the effort to make changes, or a difference, when it is all going to be destroyed anyway?

When “God” cannot protect us against the “evil” that lurks within our inborn nature. Then how can I? A nobody, to think I can make a difference or that my effort would matters? It was during this time that I begin having “dreams” of my other “lives/timelines”. “Dreams” of being hunted, chased, and cornered. It is from those “dreams” that the things that I am mistaught by the old template is clarified.

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The old templates of this realm never taught me that “evil” can be born from the light. From the shadows that is left by the light of ignorant. More “evil” are born from this light of mindlessness and ignorance than those that are born from “Hell” and darkness. On a larger-than-life authority, I am made to understand the Higher wisdom of the reason behind each life’s design to the grand purpose of this existence.

Through those “dreams” I am taught how to see and spot the real problems that has been hiding beneath the “apparent” problems for so long. How to accept my place and my role. How to make-peace and respect others for their place and role. Thus, it clarifies my position, obligations, and responsibilities of what I am here to do.

With those clarifications I am now unable to act ignorantly and recklessly at the will of a whim. My human duties, wants, and thoughts now must surrender to the wisdoms of what I have learned. However, understanding what you must do — does not lessen the conflicts and torture you feel by nature. It helps — But does not eliminate it. It is my nature to love, to care, to give, to reach out and to do what I can. Thus, it still physically and literally agonizing to me to have to watch people suffer when I know I can do something about it — but could not.

However, through numerous experiences, I learned that it hurts me and them — more — When they are not ready to be pulled from the lessons they are being taught. Their destined paths are not meant to be changed by me. Their lessons are not meant to be learned by me. Their consequences are not mean to be lived by me — it needs to be changed by them, learned by them, and lived by them.

Thus, they need to want it, and they need to put in the effort to do something about it. The lessons they need to learn, they will learn. Or suffer the consequences — if not today — then tomorrow. Personal experiences taught me that the price you pay tomorrow, might be worse than the price you pay today. So, pay attention and learn well what you needed to know.

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Side Note: In the last couple of weeks, one of my best friends asked me, “why should I care about tomorrow or the afterlife? When right now, it is SO obvious how unfair life is.” Why do “good” people suffer so much while “bad” people are always “rewarded”? I told her there is no need to resent. No need to envy others for what they have because we are often blinded to our own privileges. Also, that everyone is given what they needed to be who they are. For some people they cannot be who they are without the “tools” they have.

I asked her to think about some people we know. Take away everything they have been given and what does she think they would be like? “Do you think she is capable of killing to achieve what she has now?” If so, why would you envy her for having what she has? She needs it, to be the best she can be. We should be happy for her. Also, thankful that she has what she has. Because if not, all those people that would suffer because of her — could be us.

Then she told me, “Look at your life. Why is it like this? Why should we be good?” I told her, “We are dimensional beings. We all die.” We did not just come into life to live a lucky 100 years and die. Only to live again and go through the same thing. There is a reason we are here upon this realm. The question is, does she want to live 100 years in mindless ignorance and indulgence — only to die and go through the same things again and again? Or does she want to be FREE after those 100 years for eternity?

Yes, in these hundred years we will often experience suffering. But once we learn what we are meant to learn, the suffering will lift. Once we return to our true self. We will “live” eternity in joy and bliss. Because “Life” ends, but “death” can be eternal. Thus, another question — which form does she prefer to learn her lesson in? A rock or a human? As a human, we feel — hence we suffer. We experience — hence we can get hurt. We can choose; hence we can be “bad” or “good”.

As a rock, we will sit imprisoned for thousands (millions) of years looking out into the world trying to learn what we choose not to learn by observing life passing by us. We sit with memories of what it is like to be “free”. With regrets of what could have been had we tried a little harder to be more mindful and aware. Had we allowed ourselves to be a little more thoughtful and do what we needed to do, while we were able to do it. We would realize trading a hundred years of superficial comfort, for an eternity — is a loss not a win.

There is only so many chances we get to rewrite an exam, right? If this is our last chance? Are we prepared to face the consequences of being too privilege to realize how ungrateful we are?

(Basically, I told her a summary of those chapters I linked below and some future chapters that have not yet been posted. This friend does not yet know my “other” self. I have tried in the past to open-up about it, but she is not ready. (She is getting closer though from the questions). Even the ones that I can open-up to, are not yet ready to truly know the “real” me nor what I am here to do. It is not easy accepting things that you are so sure you know, to be illusions — I know what that is like. So, I understand their struggle in this new grid.

However, some people cannot be told. They need to experience to know. I can only share who I am to those who ask and those who want to listen. This is one wisdom I have learned the hard way from both perspectives.)

(Book 5, “ASR: B5: Chapter 4: No God Can Save Us From Our Own Ignorant”) https://aspiritualistsrecord.medium.com/asr-b5-chapter-4-no-god-can-save-us-from-our-own-ignorant-16468bd59e1a

https://aspiritualistsrecord.medium.com/asr-trbttb-book-1-chapter-2-650aeae58c92

https://aspiritualistsrecord.medium.com/asr-trbttb-book-1-chapter-3-f111abe5b726

https://aspiritualistsrecord.medium.com/asr-trbttb-book-1-chapter-4-d64d64d99aa7